You Might Not Want to....

May 6

 

Here are some things you might not want to do.

You might not want to pull out of hobby lobby behind me. Especially when I can't see oncoming traffic because of the person beside me.

You may not want to honk your horn at me. You really may not want to do it twice. You may not want to be so impatient just to go to Burger King. You may not want to drop off your adult female passenger as you drive around the other side.

You might be asking why you might not want to do these things. Well, because I might do some things in response...

I might notice that your impatient self is simply going to Burger King. I might notice that there is another entrance to Burger King. I might make that turn and park behind you. I might follow your female adult friend into Burger King. And I might say, "you know that white car you were just honking at? That was me. And just to let you know, my daughter died 2 months ago and you should be a little more patient." I might then walk to my car holding back tears and start to cry as I drive away.

Now I hope that if you do that and I respond this way, you will be ashamed of your impatient self. You might slow down and appreciation what you have. You might realize that life is hard sometimes for people and show some courtesy. Maybe you will become a more patient and empathetic person. Maybe you will remember this day for years to come. Maybe you will even teach others to not be you. Because you might have been a jerk today.

With anger,

Addison's Mommy

7 likes

Karen Chirinos Bradley: I can totally under your frustration. I remember starring off at the grocery store after my daughter died. I was standing there a while before I noticed I had zoned out. No one said anything or did anything, but I'm now more patient toward people who might be having a bad day and maybe slower to go when the light turns green.

Also, when people are speeding or may be rushed, I let them be that way. Maybe they have a loved on in the hospital and are in a hurry to get back them. More than once I have let some check out ahead of me at the store if they are in a hurry to get back to work and I have a few extra minutes. Hopefully, if I'm ever running late, someone will return the favor.

Tyler Hazelton: Your sweet Addison is watching you and all that you do, and I know that she is happy and proud of her mommy and how much love you have for her.

No Baby in My House

May 5

There is no baby in my house. There are no rattles on my floor. There is no car seat in my car. There are no bottles in my dishwasher. There are no burp cloths in my laundry. There is no baby in my house...

I made all this room for Addison. Not just in my arms. Not just in her room. Not just in my heart. But in my life. In my day to day things. Somehow those things feel empty. All the places she was supposed to be. They seemed like normal things before. I hardly want to do them anymore.

It's hard to drive my car, and not hear her hungry cry. It's hard to go out in public, and not push her little stroller. It's hard to go to church, and have space for her in the pew. Living life is so hard, not just the special things but the every day things too.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

15 likes

Jessica Jones Marsaw: No matter what, you are still her mom. I was talking to a dear friend the other day, she lost a child several years ago, and we talked about how you take physical care of some children in this life and others you take care of in your heart. Each is with you, each is a vital part. I know life holds some deep and wonderful joys for you.

Baby Junk Mail

May 5

Anyone want to call all the baby junk mail places for me and say in a nicer way all the things I want to yell at them? All their baby models are ugly anyway...

9 likes

Chelsea Yancey: I will gladly do it for you.

Emily Beth Rusch: Great! If you're serious... Cuz I totally am. I'll start collecting it (instead of trashing it) and give it to you

Chelsea Yancey: YES! Just have their number and I will call them for you!

Carrie Jean: Ugh... Sorry you have to deal with that!!! Not cool.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: I need to find the link for you to email them to take you off the mailing lists. There is such a thing. I just have to find it!

Life as Usual

May 5

I haven't written in a few days. I'm sure you noticed. I needed a break. I needed some time to cool down and forgive the world for not being stuck with me. That doesn't mean I'm unstuck. I just need to be more careful...

A while ago, I posted that I intended to continue life as usual. I laid out my plans and intended to follow them. A great friend who has also experienced tremendous loss told me to be careful of saying what I will or won't do in the future. She is very wise.

I can't live life as usual. Life has changed forever. It will never go back to what it was. I am a different person.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a slave to grief. My thoughts are not free to wonder. I can't think of things too painful. I can't stop thinking of things sometimes too. It's like I tune the whole world out but am powerless to stop it.

I used to be incredibly independent. I am not anymore. I cannot go to a store by myself. What if someone were to be impatient with me? What if I saw someone I knew and they forgot to be sensitive? What if I started talking about Addison and became completely vulnerable? It's not safe yet.

I love my girls. They know who they are. They help me. They make themselves available to me sometimes at a moments notice. They listen to me talk and talk about how I'm feeling and how I miss Addison. They have allowed me to pick them to hold me up. I could not ask for better support.

I miss her very much right now. I feel it physically in my heart that I am yearning for her.

With longing,

Addison's Mommy

19 likes

Addison's Wall and Sleeping Beauty

May 4

 I finished her wall last night.

 

 

 

 71 likes

Valerie Jones Merrell: It's fantastic, Emily!!

Krista Mullins: And topping it off with some Mary Poppins, even better!

Nicole LaDeau Ward: That looks really great!!! Missed you today.

Carrie Jean: That is precious! Nicely done.

Debra V. Wade: Very beautiful!

Krista Mullins: It's perfect. What a neat labor of love Emily!

Jessica Snider: Beautiful!!

Emily Rusch: LOVE!!! It turned out so good!! What a beautiful baby girl.

Jackie Clark Ober: So cute! Love it!

Jennifer Culp :Awesome!

Catherine Doerr: Looks fantastic!

Joan Vernott: Spectacular!!! Great job Emily! I know that with each picture you put on the wall your precious Addison was right beside you say "thank's Mom, I love you".

Ginger Faulk: Great job Emily! I love the metal flowers...nice touch! I know Addison is looking down and thinking it's a great tribute.

Marcy Howard: That is beautiful, Emily. It really is! I love it! 

 

 

Sleeping beauty... I like her best like this.

 

 

 

 

42 likes

Debra V. Wade: She is SO SWEET!

Melissa Jensen Allen: So cute!!!

Emily Rusch: That puppy cracks me up!! She will sleep anywhere.

Mary Rusch: She is one adorable puppy.

Cade Robertson: She looks a lot more like a Brittany spaniel! Crazy

Sarah Michelle Hohman: Favorite. Amazing how she can sleep like that!

Tabitha Owens Welch: That's hilarious. Love it!

Jennifer Culp: That's pretty cute!!!

Michelle Granger Moose: Too cute!

Brandie Hill: Lol

Marcy Howard: OMGosh of all the ways to fall asleep! lol she is getting so big already!

Amy Dupras Granger: Cute cute CUTE!!!

Vulnerability Prevention

May 3

I hate the word vulnerable. I always saw it as being week and dumb. You just stop it from happening. You just quit being vulnerable.

Sometimes I think vulnerability is linked to stupidity. For example, if a man chooses to play in a sporting event and chooses not to wear a cup, he has left himself vulnerable and stupid. But that's not the only way to be vulnerable. A deer is vulnerable when it crosses a highway. The deer was in it's natural habitat. It didn't choose for the road to be put there. So who is at fault for the deer being vulnerable. And who is at fault if the deer gets hit?

What if we combined stupid vulnerability prevention with innocent vulnerable deer prevention. I'm not saying put a cup on the deer, but do find a way to protect it. You could build walls high enough on every highway that no deer could ever cross. They would be trapped to never discover things beyond their walls. Or you could build the deer a shield of armor to protect it when it does get it. So strong and so powerful that the deer would never get hurt. But that deer would also be trapped to never play or enjoy being free of the chains it bore.

So vulnerability can't and shouldn't always be prevented. I have been made vulnerable without a choice. I also choose to be extraordinarily more vulnerable than is required. Why do you think I do this? Why do you think I allow cars to hit me while I try to dodge them like bullets?

I don't always know the answer myself... All I do know is that I am very, very vulnerable.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

8 likes

Mary Rusch: One meaning of vulnerable is "in need of special care". Perhaps a person who has experienced a great loss is in need of special care. Love you.

Signs

May 1

If we all wore signs with our trials written on our backs, who would you be friends with?

6 likes

Cade Robertson: Everyone

Chelsea Yancey: I have thought about this myself. My prideful side says I only want to be friends with people who are going through the same trials as me, because they understand what I'm going through. Then the Christ-like side of me says everyone because we should "bear one another's burdens."

Ginger Faulk: Interesting question.

Krista Mullins: I think we'd all be a lot kinder, that's for sure.

Emily Beth Rusch What if we knew each other's future trials?

Emily Beth Rusch: And who would you marry?

Emily Beth Rusch: You can't marry everyone...

Emily Beth Rusch: Would people bare children and bare them into this world?

Debra V. Wade: Trials make or break, I've learned that I will pray, love and support all as the Savior has ask of me. However sometimes we have to walk away and place those loved ones in Gods hands as I have a responsibility to overcome and grow from what has been placed before me, before I can rescue another.

Kristi Yancey: I like what President Eyring had to say about trials during his talk in the women's conference. He mentions that we were tutored by our Heavenly Father before we ever came to this earth, among other things. When I look at everything I've been through, it helps me understand a little better who I must have been before. This helps me to be a little kinder and more forgiving toward myself. In the same way, I think knowing someone else's trials can help us be a little more loving toward them whether we've experienced a similar trial or not. This is another gift from our Heavenly Father.

Amber Kunkee Boyd: The people who move their signs to the front.

Krista Mullins: http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151. Have you ever read this post? Same thing you're saying, very powerful.