Where Did You Meet Them?

May 9

Where did you meet your best friend? Your boyfriend or girlfriend? Your husband? Where did you meet your second family? The best boss you have ever had? Your go-to person? Where did you meet them? Have you been back? Are those places special to you? Do they bring back wonderful memories?

I met Addison at Gwinnett Medical Center Neonatal Intensive Care Unit B in the first bed on the right. That place is sacred to me. It is where I got to know my daughter. The first place I got to hold her hand. The first place I got to talk to her. I cherish that place where she was and where I got to be.

I went back today. I love going back. I love being where she was. I don't think of it as the place she died. It's the place where she lived. It's the place where she fought for her life. She did amazing things there.

Some people can't go back, or at least I have heard. I don't blame them. I cry every time I go. It's different. There is another baby in her bed. There are different nurses she didn't know. But still I try. I try to feel her spirit there. I imagine she goes there often. She encourages the other babies as they fight for their lives. She is near those mothers who can hardly hold themselves together. She is with those doctors and nurses, helping diagnose and save precious lives.

One day I want to go back to her bedside. I will have to find out when her spot is vacant. I want to sit where I rocked her to a sleep she would never wake up from. Those were sacred times. Sacred tears. I often tear when I think of that cry. The sacred one that cannot be replicated. Few people witnessed those sacred moments. Only one on this earth went through it with me.

I'd give anything to have her back. I want her back. I don't want to miss her anymore.

Feeling like a mother without her baby,

Addison's Mommy

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Debra V. Wade: Wow, you are indeed a remarkable and strong mom. Hugs to you this night and in the coming days.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: Oh sweet friend, my heart aches for you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!

Krista Mullins: Beautiful post Emily.

Daddy Dreaming

May 8

Daddy

There are days where I say to myself, "Did this really happen?" It feels like something that only happens in movies because it doesn't seem like it happens too often.

The thing I will miss the most is being the protector of Addison. Being a father that she can come and talk to about anything, but leaving the girl stuff for her mom. I kind of wanted to be the dad that put the fear of God in the boys that she would go out with.

There is a commercial on the radio I hear a lot. A dad is crying before his daughters wedding. He says to her, "Just remember that I loved you first." Then the daughter starts to cry.

And then I think of her up in heaven. This isn't doctrine, but my own belief, I see her as being like an 8 year old. Or around that age.

I love her so much and can't wait to see her again. I love you baby girl.

Love,

Daddy

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Jennifer Culp: So sweet!

Ginger Faulk: So sweet. I just heard that commercial about 10 minutes ago...it's very touching and so true...dad's do love their little girls first.

Marcy Howard: Think of you guys so much. We all love you. I heard a song the other day that made me think of you as a husband and a father. I will try and find it later today and post it. Thinking of you always.

Joan Vernott: If you have the feeling that Addison is about 8 years old then she probably is!

I Miss Her Today

May 7

I miss Addison today. I miss her everyday, but today I miss her as my daughter. I miss the relationship I expected to have with her, especially as she became a woman. I wanted to help her learn how to do her hair. How to use a curling iron without burning herself or how to put on mascara without poking out her eyes. I wanted to see her go to prom and see her daddy shake that young man's hand so hard that it nearly broke as he said, "Back by 11, or else..." I wanted to eat ice cream and watch stupid movies with her as her first crush broke her heart. I wanted to teach her how to be tall, or a giant as I usually put it. That includes standing up straight despite the annoying comments her peers would make about her height. I could have helped her find a good pair of jeans that didn't show her ankles. I wanted to teach her not to settle for a short guy just because the tall ones were all taken or hadn't hit their growth spurt yet....

There were just so many things. So many daily things I wanted to do with her. Things other parents may not even realize are a luxury.

I know I will get to raise her again. My belief is that Heavenly Father allows parents to raise their children to adulthood in heaven if their child passed away while on earth. I don't care if you don't agree so keep it to yourself. To me this is beautiful. This is hope that I will get to do the things I want to. And I won't have to do them on this earth while everyday is a struggle against temptation. I'm not trying to get all preachy. I actually hate being all churchy about Addison, but right now it helps.

A good friend mentioned to me a lovely, lovely belief of hers the other day and I also believe it is true. There is no official revelation to prove its truth but it just feels right. My friend shared with me that she believes that when a baby dies, Jesus Christ personally carries them home to heaven. They are never alone. Addison was carried home by The Savior literally. We can all feel carried spiritually, but can you imagine to be snuggled in his arms? To feel his tender warmth? My Addison got that. She was special enough to Him.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

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Debra V. Wade: She is indeed that special. What an amazing mom you have become. Hugs and prayers always coming your way and I know that Heavenly Father will have his arms around you in the coming days that may prove tough. Y'all are so loved.

Catherine Doerr: Yes I believe the Savior did carry Addison home. Its amazing how he can do things like that and still carry us on our earthly journey when we need him to. Hugs Sista

Mary Rusch: You are not being preachy. I believe as you do and I can picture the Savior with Addison in His arms.

Ginger Faulk: What a lovely image...Addison being cradled in the arms of our Savior. Thanks for sharing that.

You Might Not Want to....

May 6

 

Here are some things you might not want to do.

You might not want to pull out of hobby lobby behind me. Especially when I can't see oncoming traffic because of the person beside me.

You may not want to honk your horn at me. You really may not want to do it twice. You may not want to be so impatient just to go to Burger King. You may not want to drop off your adult female passenger as you drive around the other side.

You might be asking why you might not want to do these things. Well, because I might do some things in response...

I might notice that your impatient self is simply going to Burger King. I might notice that there is another entrance to Burger King. I might make that turn and park behind you. I might follow your female adult friend into Burger King. And I might say, "you know that white car you were just honking at? That was me. And just to let you know, my daughter died 2 months ago and you should be a little more patient." I might then walk to my car holding back tears and start to cry as I drive away.

Now I hope that if you do that and I respond this way, you will be ashamed of your impatient self. You might slow down and appreciation what you have. You might realize that life is hard sometimes for people and show some courtesy. Maybe you will become a more patient and empathetic person. Maybe you will remember this day for years to come. Maybe you will even teach others to not be you. Because you might have been a jerk today.

With anger,

Addison's Mommy

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Karen Chirinos Bradley: I can totally under your frustration. I remember starring off at the grocery store after my daughter died. I was standing there a while before I noticed I had zoned out. No one said anything or did anything, but I'm now more patient toward people who might be having a bad day and maybe slower to go when the light turns green.

Also, when people are speeding or may be rushed, I let them be that way. Maybe they have a loved on in the hospital and are in a hurry to get back them. More than once I have let some check out ahead of me at the store if they are in a hurry to get back to work and I have a few extra minutes. Hopefully, if I'm ever running late, someone will return the favor.

Tyler Hazelton: Your sweet Addison is watching you and all that you do, and I know that she is happy and proud of her mommy and how much love you have for her.

No Baby in My House

May 5

There is no baby in my house. There are no rattles on my floor. There is no car seat in my car. There are no bottles in my dishwasher. There are no burp cloths in my laundry. There is no baby in my house...

I made all this room for Addison. Not just in my arms. Not just in her room. Not just in my heart. But in my life. In my day to day things. Somehow those things feel empty. All the places she was supposed to be. They seemed like normal things before. I hardly want to do them anymore.

It's hard to drive my car, and not hear her hungry cry. It's hard to go out in public, and not push her little stroller. It's hard to go to church, and have space for her in the pew. Living life is so hard, not just the special things but the every day things too.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Jessica Jones Marsaw: No matter what, you are still her mom. I was talking to a dear friend the other day, she lost a child several years ago, and we talked about how you take physical care of some children in this life and others you take care of in your heart. Each is with you, each is a vital part. I know life holds some deep and wonderful joys for you.

Baby Junk Mail

May 5

Anyone want to call all the baby junk mail places for me and say in a nicer way all the things I want to yell at them? All their baby models are ugly anyway...

9 likes

Chelsea Yancey: I will gladly do it for you.

Emily Beth Rusch: Great! If you're serious... Cuz I totally am. I'll start collecting it (instead of trashing it) and give it to you

Chelsea Yancey: YES! Just have their number and I will call them for you!

Carrie Jean: Ugh... Sorry you have to deal with that!!! Not cool.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: I need to find the link for you to email them to take you off the mailing lists. There is such a thing. I just have to find it!

Life as Usual

May 5

I haven't written in a few days. I'm sure you noticed. I needed a break. I needed some time to cool down and forgive the world for not being stuck with me. That doesn't mean I'm unstuck. I just need to be more careful...

A while ago, I posted that I intended to continue life as usual. I laid out my plans and intended to follow them. A great friend who has also experienced tremendous loss told me to be careful of saying what I will or won't do in the future. She is very wise.

I can't live life as usual. Life has changed forever. It will never go back to what it was. I am a different person.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a slave to grief. My thoughts are not free to wonder. I can't think of things too painful. I can't stop thinking of things sometimes too. It's like I tune the whole world out but am powerless to stop it.

I used to be incredibly independent. I am not anymore. I cannot go to a store by myself. What if someone were to be impatient with me? What if I saw someone I knew and they forgot to be sensitive? What if I started talking about Addison and became completely vulnerable? It's not safe yet.

I love my girls. They know who they are. They help me. They make themselves available to me sometimes at a moments notice. They listen to me talk and talk about how I'm feeling and how I miss Addison. They have allowed me to pick them to hold me up. I could not ask for better support.

I miss her very much right now. I feel it physically in my heart that I am yearning for her.

With longing,

Addison's Mommy

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