Migraines and missionaries

Well it's 3:35 am and I'm up. Have been for about 45 min. Daddy is breathing very heavy in his deep sleep. I'm not extraordinaryily sad. I'm just here, not sleeping, simply existing. The reason for my lack of slumber is not all that uncommon for me. Maybe I've written about this before, but I'm very prone to migraines and most of them are hormone related. So yesterday I had a migraine. I started to become slightly aware of it around 4pm. By 6 I was sure of it. I did have some excedrin on hand, but it was already too late for the monster in my head. I attended a missionary farewell before going home. Sister Carrigan (I think I spelled that right) completed her 18 month mission. She knew us when I was pregnant. She helped us move into our current house. She was so fun and full of energy. Then she was transferred to another area before I even began my 3rd trimester. She only heard through the grapevine that Addison had died and didn't get to see me until last night. 

Upon entering the building, I was immediately struck. I was alone, holding Addison bear (daddy could not attend due to his homework load). There were not 1, not 2, but three young babies nearest to me in the chapel. I had been nervous about this. I scanned the room, looking for help, a friend. I should have invited a friend. There was no one. So I went to sit in the back, as far as I could physically be from those babies and I started to cry. I held addison bear tightly and rocked, trying to soothe myself. I payed special attention to mybreaching, making sure I wouldn't hyperventilate. I made myself very unapproachable. 

Then, I saw an old friend enter the chapel. The last time I had seen her was at Addison's funeral. I wasn't sure if she was a blog reader. I avoided eye contact, not sure if she was aware of how broken I sometimes feel, even 7 1/2 months out. She sat down but must have glanced at me. Slowly she started to approach. I appreciated her obvious sensitivity. She down in one of the many chairs beside me and I just laid my head on her shoulder and cried. 

I don't remember all of our exchanged words but she offered to stay with me throughout the program, but only if I wanted her to. I more than wanted her to. With her present, I was able to compose myself. Following the program, her husband joined us. I felt very loved as they shared about a similar loss they recently experienced. 

Although my migraine had not lessened,I felt re energized enough to enter the buzzing crowd of members and missionaries to find my Sister Carrigan. It was a true gift to find her in the hall, away from the larger mass of people and especially away from all the babies. I waited my turn to hug her, despite feeling as though I had all the right in the world to cut in line. She was truly grateful to see me and spent a long time visiting with me. It definitely made the pain worth it. I also got to visit with her parents. They recalled reading about me in her letters home and shared how much they loved hearing about me. They were overwhelmingly empathetic to what I had experienced. It's always a gamble, sharing so much vulnerability with someone you have never met. I was glad I did. 

I was glad when I could go home, despite my wonderful visit, my migraine had gotten worse and I needed my prescription. Daddy was still working on homeworker, but he helped me as much as he could. As we went to bed, I worried my migraine would linger into the morning. And that's why I'm writing now. Thankfully my migraine did not linger, but often I will wake at the sudden departure of a migraine. 3 am today. And I'm not one bit tired. I'm actually hungry. I'll probably get up in a minute. 

There wasn't really a point to this post. I just needed to fill some time. And maybe a part of me wanted to show how much I'm still hurting. For you to see what a somewhat typical day is still like for me. 

Anyway. This is the end of my post. By the time you read it, tomorrow will have come. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy