Wide Awake

Well, I'm wide awake at 4:30 am. Do you remember the last time I was up at this time? I do... It was in the hospital. I was going to go see my baby. 

Well, now that she is dead, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to get out of bed because somehow I know I'll wake Daddy up and that's not fair. I feel like I may just lay here and play games on my phone. But then I may run out of lives on those and get bored again. I wish there was someone who I knew would be up at this time... Addison's night nurses would be...

I wonder what it means that I'm up at this time. Is my depression getting worse? Did I just wake up since my migraine went away? Am I somehow on an Addison sleep cycle again? You know I actually do know who might be up at this time... The mothers of the other babies. 

Maybe if Addison was alive, and I was up, and she hadn't been fed or changed in a little while, I would go and hold her. If she woke up, I'd care for her needs. Or I would just hold my sleeping baby. We would sit in the glider and I would snuggle her up to my shoulder and rest my cheek on her...

You know, I never got to do that in the hospital. Hold her up right on my chest. Not that I couldn't have. But she really was bleeding (like I said in my 6:25 pm post). Perhaps it was normal after her tubes came out to have extra mucous but there was blood in it. Every time I tipped her ever so slightly, more blood came streaming out her nose and mouth.  One of her nurses suctioned her out real good but that couldn't reverse what I had already seen. 

So I never held her up to me. I don't know what it feels like to have the weight of her body against my chest. I just remember her weight in my arms. I don't think I will be able to hold another baby up like that until I have another one of my own. Even then, I will sob for not getting to do that with Addison. 

I wonder how hot my chest would have gotten. Cuz apparently a mother's body can fluctuate temperatures at her chest in order to help stabilize a baby's temperature. Pretty cool except what about when that baby has died? Would my body have been trying to keep her warm as she got cold?

There are a lot of things about her death that I still don't understand. I even have questions about what happened to her during the 2 days she was getting ready for her funeral. They are scary, uncomfortable, horrible questions that I haven't even been able to speek yet. But she was my baby. Don't I have a right to know what she was doing in the hands of another? Sometime I'm going to request her medical records. And it's not at all because I don't trust what was going on with her medically. But I just want to remember what happened to her and when. I want to know as much as I possibly can about my baby. I want to be fully educated on her life of 3 days. 

I wish I lived closer to GMC. I would really like to visit the NICU right now. But I shouldn't go alone and Daddy probably wouldn't let me go and I don't even know if Addison's people would be there. 

See how I'm trying to talk myself out of it?

Anyway... This post has probably gotten long enough and I feel like I'm just rambling now. 

With awakeness,

Addison's Mommy

Stupid shenanigans

I just want to say that I'm a little (a lot) disappointed in some health care people right now. Here is why (without giving too many details). 

One person FORGOT that my daughter died even when another doctor called in advance to tell them. One person thinks they need a release form for my participation which is STUPID. One person is changing practices and so I'm trying to figure out if I follow them to a further location or change people. And One person has been requested to give me a call and has not yet done so. 

That's 4 different shenanigans this week! I really don't need all this on top of a migraine right now... And I am learning that my pre-pregnancy migraine medication no longer works for me. Just one more doctor I have to talk to!

This may not seem like it relates but I wouldn't have ANY of these problems right now if Addison hadn't died and even if I did, they wouldn't feel like a thousand pounds each. 

Thanks in advance for not asking for further details about these problems. It's none of your business, I just needed to vent and feel heard. 

With irritation,

Addison's Mommy

Didn't I deserve to be a mother?

I found myself crying in the middle of the night last night, longing to be rocking my baby to sleep. Normally I'm not awake at that hour but I slept for much too long in the mid afternoon. I had made the mistake of visiting a newborn mother's fb page. I knew what I was doing though. I knew that I would see all the pictures I had blocked from my news feed. 

Now I am up late again wondering and crying to myself, "didn't I deserve to be a mother?"   

Didn't I take all the right steps? We were married. We waited one year before bringing her into our world. We saved our pennies to squeeze her into our lives. 

Didn't I follow doctors orders? Didn't I take prenatal vitamins every day? Didn't I practice my mothers love on every baby I could find? Didn't I call the doctor when I was sick? Didn't I enjoy every single kick? Didn't I look at three different apps for every day of my pregnancy to check on her progress? Didn't i do my best to eat healthy? Didn't I make room for her in my life?

So why don't I get to be a mother!! I'm so pissed that I'm not getting to be her mother. I wanted her so bad. And now I hurt more than I ever imagined I could. 

I need to be a mother. It's not the same. I  know in my head that I am just that. But my heart aches to be the mother I planned for. 

With desperation,

Addison's Mommy

A Mother's Love

My baby in her casket.

 

1 year ago

Today is the day Addison was conceived one year ago. I would have already been considered pregnant with her for the past 2 weeks or "since my last missed menstrual cycle". But today was her first day of life. Her first day of existence. 

How weird it is that she doesn't exist anymore. And don't try to get churchy on me... Cuz she is not here... Not like I want her to be. I have her ashes in a little plastic bag that has a metal tag on it... I guess that's her cremation number. That bag is in a little box that says "Baby Addison Rusch". 

I have wondered why they added the word "baby" to her title. Does it change the significance or importance? Do other non-babies get titles? Like elderly person or 5 year old? 

About my post yesterday evening... It never happened. I never said those things. But I feel them. I feel them all the time. When Addison came off the ossilator and was handed to me for the first time, I was calm. I was quiet. I resisted every panic, every scream so that I could hold my baby as she died. 

You see, knowing your baby is going to die does not take away the panic and fear from the actual death. It may even make it worse because all those emotions and feelings must be suppressed in order to be mentally able to cradle your baby for the first time and somehow enjoy it. 

And since I didn't express those feelings then, I relive them now. Because what would you do if you just found out your child was going to die? Well... I already told you. 

It's not pretty. None of this is pretty, but it's real. I will never get over the loss of Addison. Shame on you if you expect me to. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

"6:25 pm" the doctor said.

Stop... No really stop.... STOP! What are you doing?!? Don't touch her! Why are you taking that out! She can't BREATH! She's not breathing!!! HELP HER! She needs a doctor! Anyone, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP!! My baby isn't breathing!! There's blood... Why is there blood coming out of her! STOP IT PLEASE!!! Call 911! She shouldn't be bleeding out of her nose and mouth! Wipe it up quick!! She's going to choke! She must be in pain if she is bleeding!!! Start CPR! She needs help! Why won't anyone help her?!?! Why are you handing her to me?!? I'm not a doctor, I'm just her mother! I can't save her! She's going to die!!! She's dying and you aren't fixing her!!! What kind of people are you!!! She is going to die right here in my arms! No, don't come any closer, I don't want to know if she's gone. Please, don't tell me she is gone. I don't want to know what time it is. She can't die, my baby can't die!!!

"6:25 pm" the doctor said.

Will you go out on a limb?

Well, I just finished making myself cry again. Or maybe "finished" isn't the right word... or "making"...or "again".... Let me rephrase that... I am crying. You see, the time doesn't matter. How long I cry or not doesn't matter. How often doesn't matter. I still just cry.

I was reading my post... The one from the day she died... Her death announcement to the world. It wasn't the announcement that pulled on my heart though, it was all the comments. All the outpouring of love and prayers. It was so immediate. So constant. Everyone had so much sorrow for us... you see every day is that day. Every day my baby dies over and over again in my head. But now, the outpouring of love isn't as constant. It's not as immediate. There are a few people who have become the ones I lean on (my husband is a given). They are the ones I trust to call or invite to a grief group or visit the hospital with me. They are the ones I ask to intervene when something becomes too painful or who I trust with sharing my darkest sorrows. How did I get here? How did I get to the point where the majority of the world keeps me at arms length. In reality, I know how. No body knows what to say. No body wants to make it more painful than it already is.

Is it ok if I ask people to go out on a limb though? Would someone please invite us to go to a movie? Or a double date? Or on a walk? Or over for a game night? Our house really is too small to invite many people over. And really, it's usually messy because I'm just too depressed to clean it. When I say depressed, you probably think that I am too sad to clean my own house... but let me take a minute to talk about the symptoms of grief...

EXHAUSTION. I am tired all the time. I would always like a nap. I would always like to NOT get out of bed. But then, I can't sleep. So I end up thinking myself into sad places.... So I occupy my time. I fill my brain with nonsense.

FORGETFULNESS. Even if I wasn't too tired to clean my house, I never remember to do it. There are better things my less exhausted body could be doing than cleaning my house.

Anyway, those are just a few symptoms of grief and depression... you can look the rest up yourself. But back to inviting myself to hang out with you... I guess I should put out a few warnings/pointers. If you ask me how I am, I might really tell you. That means you might need to sit through a conversation of me talking about my life without Addison for about 30 minutes before the conversation can go anywhere else. If you try to avoid talking about her, I'm going to feel pretty uncomfortable and may not want to hang out again. I might cry. And that's not the end of the world. Just keep listening and I will stop. Also, please try to protect me if there is pain coming my way or I'm walking in that direction. So if you see a baby coming near us, steer us in a different direction, or ask to be seated at a different table so I don't have to. Sometimes I tell random people about Addison. She probably wanted them to know about her. So don't let that alarm you... If you happen to mention something about a post I recently made, you are scoring major bonus points with me. I love to know people are hearing me (remembering Addison). If you have any other questions about how to hang out with me... ASK. I am an extrovert that has been put in an introvert reality. It's weird. Sometimes being alone hurts more than it helps. I like to make new friends. Don't feel like you had to know me or have ever met me to hang out with me. Sometimes loss can bring people together.

Feeling a little lonely,

Addison's Mommy