Well, now that she is dead, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to get out of bed because somehow I know I'll wake Daddy up and that's not fair. I feel like I may just lay here and play games on my phone. But then I may run out of lives on those and get bored again. I wish there was someone who I knew would be up at this time... Addison's night nurses would be...
I wonder what it means that I'm up at this time. Is my depression getting worse? Did I just wake up since my migraine went away? Am I somehow on an Addison sleep cycle again? You know I actually do know who might be up at this time... The mothers of the other babies.
Maybe if Addison was alive, and I was up, and she hadn't been fed or changed in a little while, I would go and hold her. If she woke up, I'd care for her needs. Or I would just hold my sleeping baby. We would sit in the glider and I would snuggle her up to my shoulder and rest my cheek on her...
You know, I never got to do that in the hospital. Hold her up right on my chest. Not that I couldn't have. But she really was bleeding (like I said in my 6:25 pm post). Perhaps it was normal after her tubes came out to have extra mucous but there was blood in it. Every time I tipped her ever so slightly, more blood came streaming out her nose and mouth. One of her nurses suctioned her out real good but that couldn't reverse what I had already seen.
So I never held her up to me. I don't know what it feels like to have the weight of her body against my chest. I just remember her weight in my arms. I don't think I will be able to hold another baby up like that until I have another one of my own. Even then, I will sob for not getting to do that with Addison.
I wonder how hot my chest would have gotten. Cuz apparently a mother's body can fluctuate temperatures at her chest in order to help stabilize a baby's temperature. Pretty cool except what about when that baby has died? Would my body have been trying to keep her warm as she got cold?
There are a lot of things about her death that I still don't understand. I even have questions about what happened to her during the 2 days she was getting ready for her funeral. They are scary, uncomfortable, horrible questions that I haven't even been able to speek yet. But she was my baby. Don't I have a right to know what she was doing in the hands of another? Sometime I'm going to request her medical records. And it's not at all because I don't trust what was going on with her medically. But I just want to remember what happened to her and when. I want to know as much as I possibly can about my baby. I want to be fully educated on her life of 3 days.
I wish I lived closer to GMC. I would really like to visit the NICU right now. But I shouldn't go alone and Daddy probably wouldn't let me go and I don't even know if Addison's people would be there.
See how I'm trying to talk myself out of it?
Anyway... This post has probably gotten long enough and I feel like I'm just rambling now.
With awakeness,
Addison's Mommy
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