The Final Post

Wasn't that an intriguing title? "The Final Post" I bet you were like "Ooo, I gotta read this one".... at least that's what I hope you were like.

This isn't the final post. But, I am going to be changing the way I post. This blog has always been a place for me to vent. It's where I have written my deep dark sorrows. I haven't been writing nearly as much lately, because I haven't had many deep dark sorrows to write about. I don't feel as inspired to write about my joys. That may be disappointing for you. This may have been the part of my healing that you were looking forward to most. So if you want to know how I'm doing, I give you permission to ask. Just remember, I still deeply miss Addison. I still love her. Nothing will replace her and her spot in my heart. And when I feel overwhelmed with sorrow, I might write. I might make small updates on the fb page that I started this journey with (Addison River Rusch Updates) but they usually won't be huge blog posts.

Thank you for following me. For holding me up whether you have made yourself known or not. On average, I know (because blogger tells me) that I have approximately 300 followers. Thank you for being one of them.

The event last week was a huge success. About 70 people attended. Many people wished they could be there but could not. For this reason, we video taped the event. I would like to share this video with you, on conditional terms. You have to come to my house to watch it (hold on out of towners, I have an exception). By coming to my house, you will get to experience Addison's spirit by seeing her nursery, looking at her pictures, holding her momentos. And above all, I will get to see your love for her, which I need as her mother. Upon your viewing of The Untold Story of Addison River Rusch, I would like to present you with a memento which you can wear in her honor. I had many of these at the event, but not enough. Please contact me if you are still needing a memento. Also, there was a long line to sign the attendance journal, I would still love to just at least have your name inside, but if you would like to leave a special note, please let me know.

For those who live out of town, I have uploaded the video on youtube. It is an unlisted video which you will need a link from me to get to. Several out of towners have already asked to see the video and I am happy to share it. My only request is that you not share it with any others without my permission. The link could easily be leaked and I would need to remove the video from the internet because it is not my wish to share such a personal story with the entire world (yet).

Below are some pictures from the event. I wish I could display them as beautifully in my house.

Once again, thank you for all your love,

Addison's Mommy

6 months

My Dearest Addison,

It has been six months since you were born. Six months since I never heard you cry. Six months since since you never opened your eyes. Six months since our lives changed forever... But not how we expected. 

I miss you. I have distractions though. I think you would be proud of me. 

I'm going to share your story this Sunday. So far, I have about 60 people who have rsvped. It has been a while since I have told anyone your story, mostly because no one has asked to hear it. It's important to me that they know it though. .. That they know you. 

You room is still up but not finished. Maybe next week I will start working on your curtains and crib skirt...

I doubt I'll ever stop wishing to go back. Back to your life. Back to when I was your mother and that was my full time job. 

I will always love you. 

With time passing against my will,

Your Mommy

A Presentation of The Untold Story of Addison River Rusch

My oh my, am I EXHAUSTED. I have been sooooo busy lately and really enjoying it. I'm sleeping much better than I was a few weeks ago and River has been a significant help to have home. To be honest, I'm really just too tired to post about all the happy things going on... with one exception...

Nathan and I would like to invite you to join us on September 14, 2014 at 6:30 pm to share in a presentation of The Untold Story of Addison River Rusch. Many do not know all that happened between March 11th and March 14th. Telling this experience that we had with Addison will help in our healing process. Additionally, we will feel comforted knowing that you, our friends and family, are as acquainted with Addison's short life as we are. As you come to understand what Nathan and I experienced, it is our hope that we will feel more supported in carrying the burden of Addison's death. 

Thank you all for your continued love as we try to navigate through life after the loss of our beautiful child.

With Love,

Addison’s Mommy and Daddy

P.S. Snacks and desserts will be provided. Children under the age of 12 are not invited except with special permission (You and I must agree that your child is mature enough to hear Addison's Story). Please take a moment to RSVP (There is no way I can remember everyone telling me in person or assuming your attendance) by phone, text, email (granger91@gmail.com) or the Facebook event page (Click here to RSVP on FB).

 The young women from my church have generously offered to provide volunteer child care. If you are in need of this PLEASE include in your RSVP the ages of the children you will need care for so that the young women can prepare adequately. 

Below is the location address. Attire is dressy casual. Feel free to share this event with any who may be interested or benefit in coming. Also, I would be happy to answer any questions that I may not have discussed concerning the event.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
1150 Cole Rd SW 
Lilburn, GA 30047 

With Love, Excitement, Enthusiasm, and Hope for your Attendance,

Addison's Mommy 

Not tired

I'm supposed to be asleep. Daddy is asleep. We are going to get River tomorrow... Heading out at 6 am. I guess I can sleep in the car... But that's more boring for daddy. 

I tried putting down my phone games and closing my eyes. I started to remember sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for the labor and delivery room. I was so antsy. The news was on. Traffic accidents I think. Another prego came in and sat near us. Her baby ended up being next to Addison in the NICU. I don't think she realized how seriously sick Addison was. She have Nathan her number for me and said all her babies had been in the NICU. I still have it. I never called. We crossed her in the hall when we left the hospital with no baby. I wonder if she even knew she died. Maybe she could tell by the look on my face. But many nicu moms get released before their babies can go home. 

Sometimes it's hard missing River. Having literal happy experiences to miss. It's not like missing Addison. I'm always worried of missing River more than Addison. I know it's not true. There are just different emotions tied to them. I have happy memories with River...

I had a really terrible day yesterday. Nothing specific triggered it. I just sobbed on my way home from work. I felt better after I cried. 

I was talking to our neighbor missionaries the other day. Pond said some people had told him I should be over Addison's death. He said he always defends me. I asked if he would tell me who they were... He didn't... For their safety. If you are that person, go ahead and punch yourself in the face for me. And then remember, no matter how much that physical pain hurts, it will never compare to the loss of a child. 

I guess that's my rant for the day... Thank you to those of you who continue to stick up for me. Those who continue to say her name. Those who continue to be there for me. Not everyone has stuck around. Not everyone has seen me through this unspeakable tragedy. She is going to forever be a part of me and my life. If you can't handle that, you're a coward. 

I'm not sure what else I'm going to do to make myself tired but I don't have much else to write.... Goodnight to all you people who can sleep. 

Addison's Mommy

I dream

I dream all the time now. Every morning I remember some weird concoction of memories that got all mixed up in my mind. I don't know why... I don't take a sleep aid. It takes me forever to fall asleep. Then, through the night, I wake and have to get comfortable again. 

I uses to sleep like a rock. I would dream or at least remember my dreams only occasionally. There would streaks across my face and body of the imprints of the sheets. I just slept hard. 

I wonder if part of me won't sleep deeply because I'm still waiting. Waiting for her to cry. To need me. To need her mommy. Maybe I keep wanting to dream of her subconsciously but usually don't and can't rest because of it. 

I slept with Addison bear one night this week. I don't normally do this but I needed comforting. It was amazing how careful I was with her in my sleep. I wasn't like that with the other unweighted bear. It didn't feel like a baby. I would wake to find that bear on the floor or squished between pillows or deep under the sheets. 

Needless to say, I still miss her. Even subconsciously, I miss her. And I always will. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Mental Health

Let's talk about drugs. I'm on them. 2 different kinds actually. It took a lot of courage to even admit that I needed them. It takes even more to share the information with you. But I do want to share. I want to spread a little more awareness. Before we go any further though, let me get some things straight. 

You have no right to ask what I am on, when I am on it, how much it's helping, when I'm going to get off it, and so forth. Whatever information you learn about it should come from a conversation that I start. 

As far as I am aware, no one in my family has ever been on mental health medication. And if they were, they never talked about it. Because of that, I did not have much exposure to people in need of mental health medication until I became an adult. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about it. I want to share a little from my perspective about it. You may not totally agree... I don't care. 

Just because someone is depressed, does not mean they are suicidal. It does not mean they will always be depressed. It does not mean they aren't trying hard enough or looking at that bright side enough. It does not mean they are not praying enough. It does not mean their community of friends and family is not helping enough. What it does mean is that either experiences or chemical imbalances or both, have altered the way they are able to function and that medication may be able to help restore that balance. Also, no one has the right to determine for another what set of circumstances are enough to cause depression.

All that being said, I'm ready to share that my medication has started to help. Please don't expect to see a night and day difference. I still get sad. I'm not a zombie. But the overwhelming weight of losing Addison maybe just isn't as heavy all the time. I miss her. But my thoughts are not as constantly consumed by the horrible reminders of my life without her. 

Yesterday I brought the Addison Bear to church. It was nice to share her with so many people. I especially loved watching those who felt comfortable to snuggle her, rock her, or just really look at her. The Addison Bear is the best thing I have as a place filler for Addison, so please love the Addison bear as you would my own daughter. 

For the first time yesterday, I sang all of the hymns at church. I didn't make a conscience decision to do that before hand. I was just able to do it. In the past, it has just been too hard emotionally to sing, which I had always loved to do before Addison. But yesterday, I had my baby in my arms. Every time I had to listen to someone else's kid cry, I could squeeze my Addison Bear a little tighter. I rocked her for the entire meeting. Perhaps I was also rocking myself. I never got to fulfill that motion. That soothing, motherly rock that starts even before birth. I probably have a lot of rocking built up in my system. 

Anyway, here is my precious Addison Bear. Please don't use this picture as an excuse to not hold her in person. And just because you held her once, doesn't mean you can't hold her again. As always, I think the Molly organization is a superb way for mothers who have lost a baby to remember their loved ones. If you have been wanting to donate to the organization, please visit www.mollybears.com. It won't help me get my bear any faster, but it will help another mom who is having to experience this tragedy with empty arms. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Love Unconditionally

Well, I'm sick. It's been a while since I had a cold actually... It was when Addison was born. I had a cough. It hurt so bad to cough with my incision. One of the lactation consultants noticed how I was avoiding truly coughing and she taught me how I could put pressure on my incision and cough that way. It helped a lot but I wasn't strong enough with just my arms to put the amount of pressure I needed. I learned to kneel over a pillow to cough... I don't have a cough this time. Just feel crummy.

Yesterday I actually had a really good day.  Tuesday evening I received a call from the owner of the dog knowledge (where River is), Debbie. She told me that River had injured her foot while attempting to scale a 10 foot fence. That made me very sad, not because she had hurt her foot, but because she still must be struggling a lot with her separation anxiety and isn't enjoying playing with the other puppies. Debbie also brought up that they recently    acquired a dog named Beau that could be an incredible service dog for me. The problem is that we would have to place River in another home because you can't have a working dog and a pet. I guess I forgot to mention, River is not going to be able to be a service dog. Now, I love River to death, don't get me wrong. But I had to consider what would be better for my health and sanity in the future. A service dog might help me to be less dependent on others to go to the grocery store or a doctors appointment. That's why we hoped River could become a service dog in the first place. But how could I give up River? I named her after Addison, we raised her from 6 weeks old, we watched her learn to go up and down the steps. She is a part of the family. 

I know I said I had a good day yesterday, I'm still getting to that part... 

So I called yesterday morning to see how River's foot was doing and her trainer, Drew, answered the phone. I told him what Debbie had said about it possibly being broken and River having to be confined to a cottage from now on because she could escape every fence he had. Well, drew apologized on her behalf and shared that he really wished she had talked to him before calling me. River has not tried to scale the tall fence since last weekend and is really enjoying playing with the other puppies. Drew thoroughly examined River's foot when he saw her limping after she had completed her obedience training. It seemed to him that she had simply gotten an abrasion on her large foot pad. Her adrenaline must have been up when it happened because she didn't start to lump till after her breakfast. So now I realize I had panicked for nothing. River had already started to use her foot again and was playing with a dog twice her size while I was talking to Drew. 

Then I brought up to Drew the suggestion Debbie had made about getting a service dog instead of River. He was again dissapointed that Debbie had not talked with him first. He shared that Beau, the service dog in training, would be a great dog, BUT he is nothing like River. He said that River is one of the most affectionate dogs he has ever trained. She is so much fun to work with, he starts every training day with her. He said that if we did choose to place River, he would put himself at the top of the list of homes to take her because he loves her that much. So obviously, River is amazing. And he sincerely told me that an affectionate dog could be more comforting for me than a service dog, let alone having to deal with the heartbreak of the trade. 

It is so nice to know that River is so loved by her trainer. Looking back, it seems to me that Debbie just doesn't like River that much. I think I had been a little dissapointed in River when we were told she couldn't be a service dog. I stopped calling to check on her daily. I wasn't as excited to see her pictures they had posted... But now I have a renewed love for her. She is exactly the kind of dog that I need right now. I can't wait till she comes home. A dog is a friend that will love you unconditionally. And that is what I need right now. Love unconditionally. 

With Love,

Addison and River's Mommy

P.s. Enjoy this video of River the day after we got her.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm9ezXcHHEI&list=UU-rJ05jDCJLYWq2RaFs9H4w