I dream

I dream all the time now. Every morning I remember some weird concoction of memories that got all mixed up in my mind. I don't know why... I don't take a sleep aid. It takes me forever to fall asleep. Then, through the night, I wake and have to get comfortable again. 

I uses to sleep like a rock. I would dream or at least remember my dreams only occasionally. There would streaks across my face and body of the imprints of the sheets. I just slept hard. 

I wonder if part of me won't sleep deeply because I'm still waiting. Waiting for her to cry. To need me. To need her mommy. Maybe I keep wanting to dream of her subconsciously but usually don't and can't rest because of it. 

I slept with Addison bear one night this week. I don't normally do this but I needed comforting. It was amazing how careful I was with her in my sleep. I wasn't like that with the other unweighted bear. It didn't feel like a baby. I would wake to find that bear on the floor or squished between pillows or deep under the sheets. 

Needless to say, I still miss her. Even subconsciously, I miss her. And I always will. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy