I don't want to see it. Those family connections I don't get to have. Father to daughter, parent to baby, grandparent to grandchild, brother to sister. And especially mother to child. It's not just my family although they aren't exempt.
Let me give some examples, and please don't be offended if you or your family is the object of these. I never knew they were triggers before and there is nothing really that you could have done to stop it.
There was one time, I was talking on the phone to my mom. I hadn't seen her in quite some time. She was saying how she would really like to see me and get some "mother-daughter" time. And I lost it. I had to get off the phone. Sure, mother- daughter time sounds great but I want to be the mother in the phrase.
At church, there is a family that has a baby and extended family all together. It hurts every time I see that baby in general but especially every time I see that baby's aunts and grandparents getting to hold him. Now, of course it makes sense for them to hold that baby, my family would have done the same. But now it just hurts watching what I never got to see my sisters and parents do.
Another example, Daddy and I went to a group date night to play vollyball which was kinda strategic planned around me to avoid triggers. No babies were there except one family did bring their toddler who kept wondering into the sand pit. So, each time someone rotated out, it became their job to have to babysit this kid. Some people tried to be nice and play with her... Not me. But it didn't bother daddy. He played with her willingly which, he didn't know at the time, was breaking my heart.
So you see, I have the problem. And how do we fix it aside from therapy and drugs and service dogs? Well the only other way is to pretend that those relationships don't exist. To coexist, and simply fill the needs of the other individual. No playing. No cuddling. No cooing. But I can't expect that from everyone. I can't expect that from the people at the grocery store or the mall or any public place, so I don't go, unless I have to. It's a problem. It's mine. And I wish it wasn't.
With problems,
Addison's Mommy
P.s. I was thinking about changing my email address (which is a lot of work) to something about Addison but I don't know if that will be ok once I have other kids. Thoughts? Suggestions?
Love you guys and still praying for you! Wish I had some helpful comments or advice, but the best I can say, is just know that it's okay to take the time to work through whatever challenges you feel at the moment however you need to. No one has the right to judge your feelings, and everyone can (and should) choose not to be hurt or offended by the way you need to take care of yourself now. As for the email, change it now if it helps. You can always change it again in the future to include other children.
ReplyDeleteIf you use gmail, you can easily add other emails without any problems and have them all merge into one account. You can also set which one is the priority when sending. That might be easiest for you. Then you don't have to worry about canceling or adding a different one now or later. Also, I agree with Kristi as far as time will heal and make it more manageable and that everyone is on a different clock. We love you.
ReplyDeleteOk, here are my two cents about the email question. I would either do as Sheree suggested and add an email account, in Addison's name, and have it linked to your main account so it will always be there. Or, if you really want a new email address, I would make it something that would apply now and in the future. forevermommy, eternalrusch, etc...
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ashley