Not tired

I'm supposed to be asleep. Daddy is asleep. We are going to get River tomorrow... Heading out at 6 am. I guess I can sleep in the car... But that's more boring for daddy. 

I tried putting down my phone games and closing my eyes. I started to remember sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for the labor and delivery room. I was so antsy. The news was on. Traffic accidents I think. Another prego came in and sat near us. Her baby ended up being next to Addison in the NICU. I don't think she realized how seriously sick Addison was. She have Nathan her number for me and said all her babies had been in the NICU. I still have it. I never called. We crossed her in the hall when we left the hospital with no baby. I wonder if she even knew she died. Maybe she could tell by the look on my face. But many nicu moms get released before their babies can go home. 

Sometimes it's hard missing River. Having literal happy experiences to miss. It's not like missing Addison. I'm always worried of missing River more than Addison. I know it's not true. There are just different emotions tied to them. I have happy memories with River...

I had a really terrible day yesterday. Nothing specific triggered it. I just sobbed on my way home from work. I felt better after I cried. 

I was talking to our neighbor missionaries the other day. Pond said some people had told him I should be over Addison's death. He said he always defends me. I asked if he would tell me who they were... He didn't... For their safety. If you are that person, go ahead and punch yourself in the face for me. And then remember, no matter how much that physical pain hurts, it will never compare to the loss of a child. 

I guess that's my rant for the day... Thank you to those of you who continue to stick up for me. Those who continue to say her name. Those who continue to be there for me. Not everyone has stuck around. Not everyone has seen me through this unspeakable tragedy. She is going to forever be a part of me and my life. If you can't handle that, you're a coward. 

I'm not sure what else I'm going to do to make myself tired but I don't have much else to write.... Goodnight to all you people who can sleep. 

Addison's Mommy

I dream

I dream all the time now. Every morning I remember some weird concoction of memories that got all mixed up in my mind. I don't know why... I don't take a sleep aid. It takes me forever to fall asleep. Then, through the night, I wake and have to get comfortable again. 

I uses to sleep like a rock. I would dream or at least remember my dreams only occasionally. There would streaks across my face and body of the imprints of the sheets. I just slept hard. 

I wonder if part of me won't sleep deeply because I'm still waiting. Waiting for her to cry. To need me. To need her mommy. Maybe I keep wanting to dream of her subconsciously but usually don't and can't rest because of it. 

I slept with Addison bear one night this week. I don't normally do this but I needed comforting. It was amazing how careful I was with her in my sleep. I wasn't like that with the other unweighted bear. It didn't feel like a baby. I would wake to find that bear on the floor or squished between pillows or deep under the sheets. 

Needless to say, I still miss her. Even subconsciously, I miss her. And I always will. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Mental Health

Let's talk about drugs. I'm on them. 2 different kinds actually. It took a lot of courage to even admit that I needed them. It takes even more to share the information with you. But I do want to share. I want to spread a little more awareness. Before we go any further though, let me get some things straight. 

You have no right to ask what I am on, when I am on it, how much it's helping, when I'm going to get off it, and so forth. Whatever information you learn about it should come from a conversation that I start. 

As far as I am aware, no one in my family has ever been on mental health medication. And if they were, they never talked about it. Because of that, I did not have much exposure to people in need of mental health medication until I became an adult. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about it. I want to share a little from my perspective about it. You may not totally agree... I don't care. 

Just because someone is depressed, does not mean they are suicidal. It does not mean they will always be depressed. It does not mean they aren't trying hard enough or looking at that bright side enough. It does not mean they are not praying enough. It does not mean their community of friends and family is not helping enough. What it does mean is that either experiences or chemical imbalances or both, have altered the way they are able to function and that medication may be able to help restore that balance. Also, no one has the right to determine for another what set of circumstances are enough to cause depression.

All that being said, I'm ready to share that my medication has started to help. Please don't expect to see a night and day difference. I still get sad. I'm not a zombie. But the overwhelming weight of losing Addison maybe just isn't as heavy all the time. I miss her. But my thoughts are not as constantly consumed by the horrible reminders of my life without her. 

Yesterday I brought the Addison Bear to church. It was nice to share her with so many people. I especially loved watching those who felt comfortable to snuggle her, rock her, or just really look at her. The Addison Bear is the best thing I have as a place filler for Addison, so please love the Addison bear as you would my own daughter. 

For the first time yesterday, I sang all of the hymns at church. I didn't make a conscience decision to do that before hand. I was just able to do it. In the past, it has just been too hard emotionally to sing, which I had always loved to do before Addison. But yesterday, I had my baby in my arms. Every time I had to listen to someone else's kid cry, I could squeeze my Addison Bear a little tighter. I rocked her for the entire meeting. Perhaps I was also rocking myself. I never got to fulfill that motion. That soothing, motherly rock that starts even before birth. I probably have a lot of rocking built up in my system. 

Anyway, here is my precious Addison Bear. Please don't use this picture as an excuse to not hold her in person. And just because you held her once, doesn't mean you can't hold her again. As always, I think the Molly organization is a superb way for mothers who have lost a baby to remember their loved ones. If you have been wanting to donate to the organization, please visit www.mollybears.com. It won't help me get my bear any faster, but it will help another mom who is having to experience this tragedy with empty arms. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Love Unconditionally

Well, I'm sick. It's been a while since I had a cold actually... It was when Addison was born. I had a cough. It hurt so bad to cough with my incision. One of the lactation consultants noticed how I was avoiding truly coughing and she taught me how I could put pressure on my incision and cough that way. It helped a lot but I wasn't strong enough with just my arms to put the amount of pressure I needed. I learned to kneel over a pillow to cough... I don't have a cough this time. Just feel crummy.

Yesterday I actually had a really good day.  Tuesday evening I received a call from the owner of the dog knowledge (where River is), Debbie. She told me that River had injured her foot while attempting to scale a 10 foot fence. That made me very sad, not because she had hurt her foot, but because she still must be struggling a lot with her separation anxiety and isn't enjoying playing with the other puppies. Debbie also brought up that they recently    acquired a dog named Beau that could be an incredible service dog for me. The problem is that we would have to place River in another home because you can't have a working dog and a pet. I guess I forgot to mention, River is not going to be able to be a service dog. Now, I love River to death, don't get me wrong. But I had to consider what would be better for my health and sanity in the future. A service dog might help me to be less dependent on others to go to the grocery store or a doctors appointment. That's why we hoped River could become a service dog in the first place. But how could I give up River? I named her after Addison, we raised her from 6 weeks old, we watched her learn to go up and down the steps. She is a part of the family. 

I know I said I had a good day yesterday, I'm still getting to that part... 

So I called yesterday morning to see how River's foot was doing and her trainer, Drew, answered the phone. I told him what Debbie had said about it possibly being broken and River having to be confined to a cottage from now on because she could escape every fence he had. Well, drew apologized on her behalf and shared that he really wished she had talked to him before calling me. River has not tried to scale the tall fence since last weekend and is really enjoying playing with the other puppies. Drew thoroughly examined River's foot when he saw her limping after she had completed her obedience training. It seemed to him that she had simply gotten an abrasion on her large foot pad. Her adrenaline must have been up when it happened because she didn't start to lump till after her breakfast. So now I realize I had panicked for nothing. River had already started to use her foot again and was playing with a dog twice her size while I was talking to Drew. 

Then I brought up to Drew the suggestion Debbie had made about getting a service dog instead of River. He was again dissapointed that Debbie had not talked with him first. He shared that Beau, the service dog in training, would be a great dog, BUT he is nothing like River. He said that River is one of the most affectionate dogs he has ever trained. She is so much fun to work with, he starts every training day with her. He said that if we did choose to place River, he would put himself at the top of the list of homes to take her because he loves her that much. So obviously, River is amazing. And he sincerely told me that an affectionate dog could be more comforting for me than a service dog, let alone having to deal with the heartbreak of the trade. 

It is so nice to know that River is so loved by her trainer. Looking back, it seems to me that Debbie just doesn't like River that much. I think I had been a little dissapointed in River when we were told she couldn't be a service dog. I stopped calling to check on her daily. I wasn't as excited to see her pictures they had posted... But now I have a renewed love for her. She is exactly the kind of dog that I need right now. I can't wait till she comes home. A dog is a friend that will love you unconditionally. And that is what I need right now. Love unconditionally. 

With Love,

Addison and River's Mommy

P.s. Enjoy this video of River the day after we got her.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm9ezXcHHEI&list=UU-rJ05jDCJLYWq2RaFs9H4w

 

Let Her Go

Church is so hard. Today it was very hard. Something has to change...

The other day I heard this song come across my Pandora radio. I can't find the female version that I liked so much, so here is the original... Not all the lyrics are a perfect match... but most are.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

 

 

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (I let her go) 

Curious

I have been curious lately. Curious about what other people were doing when they found out that Addison was sick. Were you a friend, just scrolling across Facebook and seeing that something went wrong. Were you calling just to see how things were going? Did you not know us at all but just heard through some chain that we were in desperate need of prayers. And then what did you do once you found out? I image many people felt helpless. Maybe you hoped or didn't realize the severity of the situation.

I recently went through Daddy's fb messages to see what was happening on his end. I know many People were communicating with him rather me because of the state I was in. It was interesting to see how long the "we are here for you/so sorry for your loss/ your in our prayers" messages lasted. And I know that just because we don't get those messages as much, doesn't mean we still dont have that response from people in their hearts.

Yesterday a friend went with me to pick up medical records for myself  and Addison. Trust me when I say that I only got those records to help me remember. I still completely trust all the things that were done for us and Addison at the hospital. I'm not looking for any errors that were made or overlooked. It was hard to read some of the information though. In a record about me, there is a play by play of my c-section down to the second. Information I never would have known without getting these records because Daddy wasn't in the room and I had been  girl.sedated . I'm going to take a brake from reading the records for now though. Its pretty exhausting to look  through the complete history of my daughter's life. It wasn't till this past week that Daddy and I even finished getting through the condolences book that was set out for people to sign at the viewing. I desperately wish there had been a sign up sheet at the funeral. I wish I knew who all was there. I so wanted to thank them for coming. I had been worried that a Monday funeral might lessen the chances of people being able to attend, and I do know of many people who desperately wanted to come but could not.

I do have one happy update. The Addison Bear (through  molly bears) is in thea production process. I had expected the organization to call me but that didn't happen so I shot them an email yesterday. They were so quick and kind in their response. A woman named Jess is going to be making my bear. From the tone of her writing, I may even have my bear by next week. We will definitely be needing to do a family portrait when it arrives.

I miss my baby girl. I really am trying so hard to be the kind of person she would want me to be. That may not always come through in my writing because this is generally where I like to vent, but I am trying.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. Really do message me or comment about what you were doing when you first heard about Addison. It would help me to know that it was also significant to you,

I have the problem

I have issues with family relationships. Notice I said "I". It has nothing to do with you. I just am not there yet. 

I don't want to see it. Those family connections I don't get to have. Father to daughter, parent to baby, grandparent to grandchild, brother to sister. And especially mother to child. It's not just my family although they aren't exempt. 

Let me give some examples, and please don't be offended if you or your family is the object of these. I never knew they were triggers before and there is nothing really that you could have done to stop it. 

There was one time, I was talking on the phone to my mom. I hadn't seen her in quite some time. She was saying how she would really like to see me and get some "mother-daughter" time. And I lost it. I had to get off the phone. Sure, mother- daughter time sounds great but I want to be the mother in the phrase. 

At church, there is a family that has a baby and extended family all together. It hurts every time I see that baby in general but especially every time I see that baby's aunts and grandparents getting to hold him. Now, of course it makes sense for them to hold that baby, my family would have done the same. But now it just hurts watching what I never got to see my sisters and parents do. 

Another example, Daddy and I went to a group date night to play vollyball which was kinda strategic planned around me to avoid triggers. No babies were there except one family did bring their toddler who kept wondering into the sand pit. So, each time someone rotated out, it became their job to have to babysit this kid. Some people tried to be nice and play with her... Not me. But it didn't bother daddy. He played with her willingly which, he didn't know at the time, was breaking my heart. 

So you see, I have the problem. And how  do we fix it aside from therapy and drugs and service dogs? Well the only other way is to pretend that those relationships don't exist. To coexist, and simply fill the needs of the other individual. No playing. No cuddling. No cooing. But I can't expect that from everyone. I can't expect that from the people at the grocery store or the mall or any public place, so I don't go, unless I have to. It's a problem. It's mine. And I wish it wasn't. 

With problems,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. I was thinking about changing my email address (which is a lot of work) to something about Addison but I don't know if that will be ok once I have other kids. Thoughts? Suggestions?