I tried putting down my phone games and closing my eyes. I started to remember sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for the labor and delivery room. I was so antsy. The news was on. Traffic accidents I think. Another prego came in and sat near us. Her baby ended up being next to Addison in the NICU. I don't think she realized how seriously sick Addison was. She have Nathan her number for me and said all her babies had been in the NICU. I still have it. I never called. We crossed her in the hall when we left the hospital with no baby. I wonder if she even knew she died. Maybe she could tell by the look on my face. But many nicu moms get released before their babies can go home.
Sometimes it's hard missing River. Having literal happy experiences to miss. It's not like missing Addison. I'm always worried of missing River more than Addison. I know it's not true. There are just different emotions tied to them. I have happy memories with River...
I had a really terrible day yesterday. Nothing specific triggered it. I just sobbed on my way home from work. I felt better after I cried.
I was talking to our neighbor missionaries the other day. Pond said some people had told him I should be over Addison's death. He said he always defends me. I asked if he would tell me who they were... He didn't... For their safety. If you are that person, go ahead and punch yourself in the face for me. And then remember, no matter how much that physical pain hurts, it will never compare to the loss of a child.
I guess that's my rant for the day... Thank you to those of you who continue to stick up for me. Those who continue to say her name. Those who continue to be there for me. Not everyone has stuck around. Not everyone has seen me through this unspeakable tragedy. She is going to forever be a part of me and my life. If you can't handle that, you're a coward.
I'm not sure what else I'm going to do to make myself tired but I don't have much else to write.... Goodnight to all you people who can sleep.
Addison's Mommy
Now I know why I felt compelled to stay up this late.
ReplyDeleteYou are right when you say those that can't handle hanging in there with you are cowards. It takes strength and courage to stick around when times are tough. Not everyone has those traits.
Anyone who says you should be over Addison's death: 1) needs to be slapped -HARD (sorry, my knee-jerk opinion) 2) probably had someone tell them they needed to "get over" some tragedy as well (in which case, that person also needs to be slapped). Unfortunately, that other hurt person listened to that bad advice, and now still has something broken inside of them. And because they weren't strong enough to be able to stand up for themselves, now they aren't strong enough to be there for you.
I pray you are able to get the rest that you need, and have a safe trip going to pick up River tomorrow.
~TW.
As one who, a while back, needed a good punch in my face (or a hard slap), I'm glad you hung in there with me, and kept including me, even though I didn't deserve it. I've learned a lot of things I needed to know, but didn't before. We continue to love and pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI am excited to know you are going to pick up River tomorrow. I hope you post pictures.
ReplyDeleteI will never know why some people think they know what we should and should not feel. Who invented a standard timeline for such a loss. I feel saddened when thers hurt you. Addison is truly blessed that you are her mom and that you are so strong. You are much stronger than me.
Jeannie Childs
They aren't cowards. Different people, different experiences, different choices. Some people choose to be happy, that doesn't make them cowards. Is Emily a coward for not doing things she used to do before this happened? Is she a coward for not holding babies? No. She is doing what she can. Instead of punching people in the face, we should all be encouraging and lofting each other up. By the way, when did it become acceptable to punch someone in the face for having a different opinion? That's not OK. If Emily had to punch herself in the face everytime she did something I don't agree with, she wouldn't have a face left. Luckily, I don't require that. Let's all try to be a little more friendly and kind to others.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky you posted this anonymously. This is my blog where I am entitled to my opinions. I share my heart and feelings. No one would dare call me a coward after what I have been through. You, like the others, have chosen to judge me without talking to me. You even prove yourself to be a coward by not sharing your name. And I suggest you don't because you will likely be outcast by all those who care about me if you do. Stop reading my blog you judgmental self righteous ass. And if I actually know you in my personal life, you ought to distance yourself as well.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I didn't mean it the way it was taken. I didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry.
ReplyDelete