The Dog Knowledge

Just dropped River off at The Dog Knowledge for obedience training. She was very well received and my hopes are high that she will qualify to be a service dog based on how the employees first observed her! The sadness of her being gone has not hit me yet but I am very excited to know she has a good chance. We will know in about a week if she will make it. 

I kinda want to keep this a happy post but I had a bad night last night. It seems that another suppressed unlived memory has surfaced. I will likely need to write about this in the coming days.

With seeming bipolarity,

Addison's Mommy

It's not enough

I want to see Addison. I want to see how much she should have grown. I want to see her thick black hair. I want to know how much she would have weighed right now. Would she be in a sleep schedule?

These memories I have with her aren't enough. I need more. I had 37 weeks and 3 days to dream about the memories we would have and I only got 4 days that no parent ever imagined possible. It's not enough. There aren't enough happy places to go to in my head. I want to remember her first smile. Her first giggle. The first time she responded to her name. Where are my memories? The ones I dreamed of having.

She is so frozen. She's not growing. Not moving. Not smiling. Not crying. She's just laying there, helpless. She's just laying there, dying. She just laying there, dead. How am I supposed to get through life with just those memories of her? How do I keep breathing when it hurts too much to breathe? Why does my heart keep beating when the pain feels unbearable?I don't know. It just does. And so I just do, survive that is, on just those memories. Even though they aren't enough. 

I'm ready to have her back. But that's not possible. Not in this life. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy

Bored

I'm bored. Bored and sad. Sadly bored. Daddy has something to do today. That's good for him. He likes having projects. What do I have to do... Aside from lay in bed all day. I could clean my house... But I have no motivation. I could go in her room. But that might be debilitating. So for now, i am just lying in bed with River. She is leaving on Wednesday for obedience school. She won't return for about a month... Unless she does get approved to be a service dog... Then it will be longer. 

School is starting soon. I'm not going back. They called the other day to ask why. The stupid woman asked if I would be ready to return in the spring? How do I know? And honestly, if you were a real person, you would no longer care about your stupid pole and would tell me to take all the time I need. 

I will be off work for the next two weeks. Soon Daddy will be starting school after that and I will be alone more. I tried to commit to something which for now hasn't worked out. I tried scheduling hangouts with friends but summer can be so busy with kids. I would be having a busy summer if my kid was here. But she's not. And I'm still in bed, indefinitely. 

I wish there was more stuff on fb to read. Or I could find more games to play on my phone. That's what I do most of the time now. I exist. I know Addison wouldn't have wanted this for me. And I know it pains Daddy to see me this way... I don't plan to be this way forever. 

My purpose in life was ripped from my hands. So now what is my purpose? Is there anything that could ever be greater than being a mother? I guess that's what I lay here thinking about. 

I just want to be a mother for her. 

With gloom,

Addison's Mommy

The Power of Vulnerability.

Why do I write all my deep dark scary feelings on a blog and not in a personal journal? Watch this video to find out.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Birth Announcements

I think I'm going to make a birth announcement. I deserve to, don't i? My baby was born. She was here. She was 7lbs 9oz, 19 inches long and had a head full of hair. She was real. Born at 9:51 am on March 11th, 2014. 

You want to know why I want to do this? It doesn't really come from a good place. And I might hurt some feelings by saying this... But none of my extended family came to her funeral. Nathan's did, and my parents and sisters were there. And I get that my grandparents don't travel easily anymore but COME ON! If I had died, everyone would have come! And in a lot of ways, I have died with Addison. Strangers came to see her. Strangers still even read my blog more than some of my family (thank you btw). It's almost insulting. I'm sick of the excuses. And now I doubt they will ever mention her again to my face. They have no memories to share with me because they didn't come! They could have though.... They could have said how beautiful she was or how perfect the songs were. They could have cried with us. But they didn't come. So here, let me prove that she was worth saying goodbye to. Let me just show you how perfect and real she was. 

Don't pretend she wasn't here. I have a daughter. I expected you to acknowledge her. 

With frustration,

Addison's Mommy

The depth of our pain

There have been 7 new commenters on the blog and I have fallen behind in my picture posting. A lot of the pictures I have shared are just pretty but some have meaning and depth and history. This picture below is one I have debated sharing. It is the only picture we have of us looking at the camera while holding our little girl. To me, we look awful. Absolutely terrible. We were running on minimal sleep. Our hopes and dreams had just been shattered. Our dead baby is in our arms. This is not the family portrait we should have had.

I had no idea what to do when she said to look at the camera. What kind of face are you supposed to make in this sort of situation? How can you adequately express that kind of emotion that is so raw? I don't think I have ever seen a picture or a painting in my life that shows what this picture shows.

 

This picture shows how I feel almost every day. Everyday I have to  hold my beautiful, perfect, dead baby and face the world.

 

With Love,

 

Addison's Mommy



The Not-Life

I have a favorite part of my day every day. It comes right at the beginning. It's calm and sweet. I don't even have to get out of bed in the morning, because every day, around 7:30 am, River wakes up.

I always am way too tired to want to get up at 7:30am but once she is up, I can't go back to sleep. She whimpers a little from her kennel in the family room and Daddy goes to let her out side. As soon as she is finished, she runs full speed and pounces on my head (which I have now learned to keep under a pillow for protection). She snuggles her little face in whatever crevice she can find so that she can lick me. She calms down and is just so, so sweet. She gives kisses and snuggles between me and Daddy. It is such a sweet picture. But I always wonder, what if it wasn't a puppy we had in bed with us... What if it was Addison who woke up crying and needing attention. What if it was just a diaper needing changing and I brought her back to bed to nurse her. What if we gave her raspberries on her belly instead of rubbing River's. What if we kissed her all over instead of River licking us.

What is it like to have a baby? (this is totally rhetorical and I completely don't want anyone telling me more about the life I should be living) What is it like to sleep train or swaddle or snuggle a baby? I don't know. Of course, I thought I had prepared myself for Addison... But really, when another baby comes, I'm not going to know for sure. I won't have gained any knowledge of how to care for a healthy baby with my first child. That is really not fair. I want to know what it would have been like to take care of Addison... To mother her. And I don't.

I want to feel like a mother so badly. This is part of the pain that comes with losing your only child. I will never be able to speak for the pain that a family feels when they lose one of their children (plural). I will never know what it feels like to have to wake up every morning and take care of the other kids. I can't say that my pain is worse than that. But I will say it sucks. Below is an article that was shared with me. I think it can explain it better than I can.

With remembrance of my not-life,

Addison's Mommy

When Your Only Child Dies

July 11, 2014 by RaeAnne Fredrickson

 

Samuel’s pregnancy was our first experience with parenthood. When he died shortly after birth, we became childless parents. It’s been over two years since he died. We are still childless parents. We are people with no place to fit in. Those who have never lost a child don’t understand our pain. Those who have lost a child, but have gone on to have others, or had living children prior to their loss, will never understand our unending emptiness.


There is a unique pain when your only child dies. I will never in this lifetime know what it means to get pregnant, go through a pregnancy, give birth and raise a child without fear, anxiety, and sadness. My innocence is lost forever, because death is the only outcome I know of pregnancy. Our family is ruined just as it’s begun. We are living joyless lives; we are empty and without purpose. What should have been the happiest time in our lives is now the hardest. Where there should be fun and learning and teaching, there is nothing. Our home is quiet. Too quiet. All the time. We are full of the love, but have no one to bestow that love upon. It’s love with no place to land. We have parenting energy, but no one to use it up. We’re restless. We have returned, against our will, to the lives we had chosen to give up. The lives of a couple without children. This time though, we are not carefree. We live with heavy hearts and broken dreams, and the absence of any hope.

We don’t attend events. We don’t go to family gatherings. We stay home a lot.

Because children are everywhere.

Families are everywhere.

And we are a family that’s broken.

We are parents, but you can’t see the living proof. When I go out in the world, no one thinks I’m a mother. Because my child is gone, but my heart beats like any other mother’s.

You just can’t see it.

I can’t talk with other mothers about mothering, although I am a mother. No one wants advice from a mother who is separated from her child. My motherhood is deniable.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a lie when I say I’m a mother, even though I know in my heart I still am.

I can’t say what it’s like to be a loss parent with living children. And they can’t say what it’s like to be a parent with no living children. You’re either one, or the other. So there is no point in saying who has it worse. (We all have it worse; our children died). But I can tell you that living as a childless parent is extremely hard. Every single day feels pointless. Every singe day I feel empty. Every single day, I feel like an outcast, a misfit, an oddity. And every single day, I have to make up something to give my life purpose, even though I’m acutely aware of how shallow it is. I have known the joy and fulfillment of being a parent, but it was stolen away from me. And the hole in our lives is massive.
I know we all hurt the same hurt. We all want our lives to be different. We all would do anything to have our children back. But when I’m desperately hurting, when my heart hurts so deeply is could just as soon explode, I have no one to hold. I have no child to snuggle close and breathe in. I have no one to distract me. I have no one to kiss, no boo-boos to mend, no outfits to buy, no toys to clean up. No one is depending on me. I have no one to tell about his or her big brother in heaven. My arms are empty and completely aware of what is missing.

Samuel’s life, my heart, and soul make me a parent, but my arms are always empty.

That’s what it’s like when your only child dies.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/child-dies/

ADDISON BEAR

My mom just donated the remainder of the $350 so that I can get my Molly Bear! Secretly, I have been super stressed about getting this bear because it is going to mean so much to me and I'm so glad I don't have to hope for donations anymore but can just know that my bear will be on its way! Btw, my Molly Bear's name is going to be the Addison Bear, where as the other bear I have shown is Addison's Bear. The Addison Bear represents Addison more than Addison's Bear because it will be her exact weight.

This is called a happy post...

Love,

Addison's Mommy

Enchanted 10k race

So I'm having this dilemma. I heard about this Disney enchanted 10k race in February that I could do with a friend. Registration opened this past week and got filled up within hours. The only way I can get in now is by raising money for a charity involved. Don't get me wrong, I would love to raise money for cancer and autism and all sorts of horrid diseases, but I couldn't even raise enough money to get my Molly bear early (I was able to raise $100 towards my $450 goal). My heart is not in a place where I want to raise money for other charities right now. I just want a chance to go to Disney and race for Addison. We should have gotten to take her there. This is maybe the one way I could walk inside that park without her. 

So anyway, my confidence is broken about my money raising skills and I have been calling and calling to see if anyone will make and exception but I just don't know what to do next. 

Please let me know if you can help me figure this out. 

Love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. I want to run with a big picture of Addison on my shirt and be decked out in all purple...

Frankly

I'm gonna be real frank here for a minute. I don't need any comments on this post other than to say you understand.

Frankly, I am not going to commit suicide. I am not suicidal. So quit asking or inferring. And I know, you were just checking on me. And I didn't mind when just you checked on me. But I do mind when several people are checking on me or implying it daily. And if you continue to be worried about it, bother my amazing husband about it before you potentially send me into a panic attack.

I am going to remind you that this blog is where I write about my deepest darkest places. It is not the full picture. But you won't get to know the full picture unless you can accept me in my deepest darkest place. I don't hang out with or talk to people who don't read my blog (generally speaking).

I have been tempted to publicly share answers to the question "are you getting all the help you need". But I am not ready to suffer the possible judgment or entitlement to knowledge that others may project on to me. That being said, please acknowledge the accomplishments I have made, rather than point out the areas that have not yet been healed. Just this past Sunday, a friend of mine said, "you look absolutely beautiful today". To me that said, "You made it out of bed, you took a shower, you got dressed in uncomfortable clothes, you put make up on, and you made it here. Look at how hard you worked and I see your effort."

To those who continue to "preach" at me. Know that it has been confirmed to me why I was chosen to go through this tragedy. I will share one piece of that... It is so that I could grieve publicly and show that grief can be shared, felt, and heard. I will not claim my grief to be any worse than another's, but I am proud to be a voice for grief.

Lastly, I would like to share a song that I love but completely disagree with. You see, this song advocates for suicide in order for the lost individual to not suffer their own death alone. I know that Addison is not alone, but if I did think she was, I think it would be a beautiful sentiment to walk with her into the dark.

 

If this video does not work, youtube "I'll follow you into the dark" by Death Cap for Cutie

With love and firmness,

Addison's Mommy

I see you

I see you there. You are reading my blog. Your heart aches for me. You wish there was something you could do. Something to make my life a little happier without her. You rejoice when I have a decent day. You pray that my sorrows will be washed away. You see me writing, thinking I can't see you, but I do. You never know what to say, so you don't. You don't want to hurt me any more. You consider taking my suggestions of how you can help, but you think maybe it would come better from someone who knows me more. Sometimes you judge me for my amount of pain. Sometimes you worry if I will always be this way. But you don't ask me those questions. You don't think it will help. 

Did you know that hardly anyone says her name? My baby's name is rarely ever spoken. It's Addison, if by chance you forgot. Would you have said her name if you had gotten to hold her? Or maybe you knew her favorite snack? Would you talk about her if she had a play date with your child? I think so... I think that if you felt like you knew her, you would. 

Here is what I have to say to you for not saying her name. 

Remembering
by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a life time

He misses me

I know he misses her but often I worry about daddy missing me. We got married almost two years ago because I was the light of his life and he was the keeper of my heart. And I don't mean to say that it's not that way now... But my light is not as bright and somehow my heart got broken and there was nothing he could do about it. He can't protect me from this pain. The best he can do is distract me, which he does very well. He has given me all the slack he can give and I can see him becoming exhausted. It makes me want to buck up and fix myself, but I don't really think "faking me" is going to result in a happier marriage. 

It feels like my purpose in life was taken away. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. And because I'm no longer able to mother my child, I'm having a harder time being a wife. He needs me. He wants me. And I am lost in the depression. He has promised he will never stop taking care of me. What more could a woman ask for? But I don't want him to get lost in the process. 

Depression is so hard. I'm not a big fan of people calling the loss of Addison "a trial". It is so much more than that. Everyday is a trial. But the over all picture is a colossal tragedy that has changed who we are forever. We might as well have buried our former selves. 

I miss the wife I used to be for him. I know he misses her too. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy

I never knew it was possible

Freaking clear blue estimator pregnancy test commercial!!! GREAT, it can tell you how far along you are. It can tell you that you have successfully conceived. It can tell you that your life is going to change. BUT GUESS what it doesn't tell you, the likelihood you will have a miscarriage or your baby will turn out deformed, or one day they will get hit by a car, or get some terminal disease, or DIE at 3 days old!

NO BODY TOLD ME!!! No body told me that it was even possible that my baby could die!!! I called the labor and delivery class teacher actually and told her that she did a terrible job by not evening telling us that our babies might not turn out the way we expected. I even told her about this blog that I right and she might be reading this right now BUT I DONT CARE!!! My life is so screwed up right now!! I'm sick of living this life of loss and pain. There are babies EVERYWHERE except in my arms.

I want to be able to sleep. I want to be able to go to the grocery store by myself. I want to be able to go back to school. I want my husband to be able to stay at work and not worry about me when I have a horrible, horrible day. I want to be able to see my family instead of remember all the things we should have been doing.

This should not be my life. I never wanted this. I never knew it was even possible for it to be like this.

With resentment (bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly),

Addison's Mommy

P.s.

Any guesses on how late I will be up tonight? It's almost 1:30am... My guess is around 4 or 5.

I am not o.k.

Today has been one of the worst days of my life since Addison died. You know what sucks the most? It's that I can't even write about it. It is beyond way too personal to even attempt to explain online. What I will say are some truths.

Truth #1: I love my husband.

Truth #2: I am a Mormon.

Truth #3: I forgot to put deodorant on today.

That's all you get. That's all I can share right now.



I'm Addison's Mother and I'm not o.k.

I recommend you watch this video to better understand where I am coming from.

Wide Awake

Well, I'm wide awake at 4:30 am. Do you remember the last time I was up at this time? I do... It was in the hospital. I was going to go see my baby. 

Well, now that she is dead, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to get out of bed because somehow I know I'll wake Daddy up and that's not fair. I feel like I may just lay here and play games on my phone. But then I may run out of lives on those and get bored again. I wish there was someone who I knew would be up at this time... Addison's night nurses would be...

I wonder what it means that I'm up at this time. Is my depression getting worse? Did I just wake up since my migraine went away? Am I somehow on an Addison sleep cycle again? You know I actually do know who might be up at this time... The mothers of the other babies. 

Maybe if Addison was alive, and I was up, and she hadn't been fed or changed in a little while, I would go and hold her. If she woke up, I'd care for her needs. Or I would just hold my sleeping baby. We would sit in the glider and I would snuggle her up to my shoulder and rest my cheek on her...

You know, I never got to do that in the hospital. Hold her up right on my chest. Not that I couldn't have. But she really was bleeding (like I said in my 6:25 pm post). Perhaps it was normal after her tubes came out to have extra mucous but there was blood in it. Every time I tipped her ever so slightly, more blood came streaming out her nose and mouth.  One of her nurses suctioned her out real good but that couldn't reverse what I had already seen. 

So I never held her up to me. I don't know what it feels like to have the weight of her body against my chest. I just remember her weight in my arms. I don't think I will be able to hold another baby up like that until I have another one of my own. Even then, I will sob for not getting to do that with Addison. 

I wonder how hot my chest would have gotten. Cuz apparently a mother's body can fluctuate temperatures at her chest in order to help stabilize a baby's temperature. Pretty cool except what about when that baby has died? Would my body have been trying to keep her warm as she got cold?

There are a lot of things about her death that I still don't understand. I even have questions about what happened to her during the 2 days she was getting ready for her funeral. They are scary, uncomfortable, horrible questions that I haven't even been able to speek yet. But she was my baby. Don't I have a right to know what she was doing in the hands of another? Sometime I'm going to request her medical records. And it's not at all because I don't trust what was going on with her medically. But I just want to remember what happened to her and when. I want to know as much as I possibly can about my baby. I want to be fully educated on her life of 3 days. 

I wish I lived closer to GMC. I would really like to visit the NICU right now. But I shouldn't go alone and Daddy probably wouldn't let me go and I don't even know if Addison's people would be there. 

See how I'm trying to talk myself out of it?

Anyway... This post has probably gotten long enough and I feel like I'm just rambling now. 

With awakeness,

Addison's Mommy

Stupid shenanigans

I just want to say that I'm a little (a lot) disappointed in some health care people right now. Here is why (without giving too many details). 

One person FORGOT that my daughter died even when another doctor called in advance to tell them. One person thinks they need a release form for my participation which is STUPID. One person is changing practices and so I'm trying to figure out if I follow them to a further location or change people. And One person has been requested to give me a call and has not yet done so. 

That's 4 different shenanigans this week! I really don't need all this on top of a migraine right now... And I am learning that my pre-pregnancy migraine medication no longer works for me. Just one more doctor I have to talk to!

This may not seem like it relates but I wouldn't have ANY of these problems right now if Addison hadn't died and even if I did, they wouldn't feel like a thousand pounds each. 

Thanks in advance for not asking for further details about these problems. It's none of your business, I just needed to vent and feel heard. 

With irritation,

Addison's Mommy

Didn't I deserve to be a mother?

I found myself crying in the middle of the night last night, longing to be rocking my baby to sleep. Normally I'm not awake at that hour but I slept for much too long in the mid afternoon. I had made the mistake of visiting a newborn mother's fb page. I knew what I was doing though. I knew that I would see all the pictures I had blocked from my news feed. 

Now I am up late again wondering and crying to myself, "didn't I deserve to be a mother?"   

Didn't I take all the right steps? We were married. We waited one year before bringing her into our world. We saved our pennies to squeeze her into our lives. 

Didn't I follow doctors orders? Didn't I take prenatal vitamins every day? Didn't I practice my mothers love on every baby I could find? Didn't I call the doctor when I was sick? Didn't I enjoy every single kick? Didn't I look at three different apps for every day of my pregnancy to check on her progress? Didn't i do my best to eat healthy? Didn't I make room for her in my life?

So why don't I get to be a mother!! I'm so pissed that I'm not getting to be her mother. I wanted her so bad. And now I hurt more than I ever imagined I could. 

I need to be a mother. It's not the same. I  know in my head that I am just that. But my heart aches to be the mother I planned for. 

With desperation,

Addison's Mommy

A Mother's Love

My baby in her casket.

 

1 year ago

Today is the day Addison was conceived one year ago. I would have already been considered pregnant with her for the past 2 weeks or "since my last missed menstrual cycle". But today was her first day of life. Her first day of existence. 

How weird it is that she doesn't exist anymore. And don't try to get churchy on me... Cuz she is not here... Not like I want her to be. I have her ashes in a little plastic bag that has a metal tag on it... I guess that's her cremation number. That bag is in a little box that says "Baby Addison Rusch". 

I have wondered why they added the word "baby" to her title. Does it change the significance or importance? Do other non-babies get titles? Like elderly person or 5 year old? 

About my post yesterday evening... It never happened. I never said those things. But I feel them. I feel them all the time. When Addison came off the ossilator and was handed to me for the first time, I was calm. I was quiet. I resisted every panic, every scream so that I could hold my baby as she died. 

You see, knowing your baby is going to die does not take away the panic and fear from the actual death. It may even make it worse because all those emotions and feelings must be suppressed in order to be mentally able to cradle your baby for the first time and somehow enjoy it. 

And since I didn't express those feelings then, I relive them now. Because what would you do if you just found out your child was going to die? Well... I already told you. 

It's not pretty. None of this is pretty, but it's real. I will never get over the loss of Addison. Shame on you if you expect me to. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

"6:25 pm" the doctor said.

Stop... No really stop.... STOP! What are you doing?!? Don't touch her! Why are you taking that out! She can't BREATH! She's not breathing!!! HELP HER! She needs a doctor! Anyone, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP!! My baby isn't breathing!! There's blood... Why is there blood coming out of her! STOP IT PLEASE!!! Call 911! She shouldn't be bleeding out of her nose and mouth! Wipe it up quick!! She's going to choke! She must be in pain if she is bleeding!!! Start CPR! She needs help! Why won't anyone help her?!?! Why are you handing her to me?!? I'm not a doctor, I'm just her mother! I can't save her! She's going to die!!! She's dying and you aren't fixing her!!! What kind of people are you!!! She is going to die right here in my arms! No, don't come any closer, I don't want to know if she's gone. Please, don't tell me she is gone. I don't want to know what time it is. She can't die, my baby can't die!!!

"6:25 pm" the doctor said.

Will you go out on a limb?

Well, I just finished making myself cry again. Or maybe "finished" isn't the right word... or "making"...or "again".... Let me rephrase that... I am crying. You see, the time doesn't matter. How long I cry or not doesn't matter. How often doesn't matter. I still just cry.

I was reading my post... The one from the day she died... Her death announcement to the world. It wasn't the announcement that pulled on my heart though, it was all the comments. All the outpouring of love and prayers. It was so immediate. So constant. Everyone had so much sorrow for us... you see every day is that day. Every day my baby dies over and over again in my head. But now, the outpouring of love isn't as constant. It's not as immediate. There are a few people who have become the ones I lean on (my husband is a given). They are the ones I trust to call or invite to a grief group or visit the hospital with me. They are the ones I ask to intervene when something becomes too painful or who I trust with sharing my darkest sorrows. How did I get here? How did I get to the point where the majority of the world keeps me at arms length. In reality, I know how. No body knows what to say. No body wants to make it more painful than it already is.

Is it ok if I ask people to go out on a limb though? Would someone please invite us to go to a movie? Or a double date? Or on a walk? Or over for a game night? Our house really is too small to invite many people over. And really, it's usually messy because I'm just too depressed to clean it. When I say depressed, you probably think that I am too sad to clean my own house... but let me take a minute to talk about the symptoms of grief...

EXHAUSTION. I am tired all the time. I would always like a nap. I would always like to NOT get out of bed. But then, I can't sleep. So I end up thinking myself into sad places.... So I occupy my time. I fill my brain with nonsense.

FORGETFULNESS. Even if I wasn't too tired to clean my house, I never remember to do it. There are better things my less exhausted body could be doing than cleaning my house.

Anyway, those are just a few symptoms of grief and depression... you can look the rest up yourself. But back to inviting myself to hang out with you... I guess I should put out a few warnings/pointers. If you ask me how I am, I might really tell you. That means you might need to sit through a conversation of me talking about my life without Addison for about 30 minutes before the conversation can go anywhere else. If you try to avoid talking about her, I'm going to feel pretty uncomfortable and may not want to hang out again. I might cry. And that's not the end of the world. Just keep listening and I will stop. Also, please try to protect me if there is pain coming my way or I'm walking in that direction. So if you see a baby coming near us, steer us in a different direction, or ask to be seated at a different table so I don't have to. Sometimes I tell random people about Addison. She probably wanted them to know about her. So don't let that alarm you... If you happen to mention something about a post I recently made, you are scoring major bonus points with me. I love to know people are hearing me (remembering Addison). If you have any other questions about how to hang out with me... ASK. I am an extrovert that has been put in an introvert reality. It's weird. Sometimes being alone hurts more than it helps. I like to make new friends. Don't feel like you had to know me or have ever met me to hang out with me. Sometimes loss can bring people together.

Feeling a little lonely,

Addison's Mommy