My Baby Died

March 31

Did you hear the news? My baby died. She died. My first born child. My daughter. Addison died. All day I feel like I have been saying that. If not to people, then to myself. I'm not sure why. I think I might have wanted to see the shock on people's faces. Almost to validate that what happened to me isn't ok. I don't feel like saying it now. Someone else sort of said a similar thing bluntly back to me. I wasn't expecting it. I feel vulnerable again. Like I could fall apart any moment. I probably won't sleep well tonight. In anticipation of that, I'll keep my mind busy until I just can't hold my eyes open any more. I am going to exhaust myself so there isn't room to pity myself. I'm not afraid of pitying myself. I wouldn't mind that. But it's the stage after that that's scary and dark.

Hoping to stay out of the dark tonight. Help me Addison.

Addison's Mommy

13 likes

Sarah Latchaw: People You tell will see your strength and your love for your baby. (Some may not know how to react) but That is news and big news and if they didn't hear I think you are one of the best people to share that since it's your story. Addison is with you and is there to comfort you in spirit. She doesn't want to see mommy sad. You know babies can tell when their mom is angry, anxious and upset or happy. Addison knows everything. You are going through and The Lord has blessed her to be a strength to you when you feel this way. Abide with me tis eventide...oh savior stay this night with me, behold is even'tide. Hugs. We love you.

Hannah Granger: Addison gave you experiences none of your baby's will be able to give you... All of the firsts. First pregnancy, first ever baby hiccup, first kick, etc. No matter what happened with your body in the process of your pregnancy, you always had a smile on your face even for the curb side vomits because you knew it was her. I'm sure you still feel her. She is still here, her soul is still alive and we will carry her in our hearts forever. Your baby is an angel and not many people have that. She will be with you more than you ever thought she would be. It's easy to think about what you have lost but don't forget to think about what you have gained, in other words, don't forget to remember the life she had and the memories you had with her, not just the life she didn't have and what memories you didn't get to have with her.

Debra V. Wade: Addison has so many things to accomplish for her family, things that need to be in place for when you are all together and whole as one family. Hang in there Emily, try to imagine just how busy she is making things ready for that day, how happy and excited she is to have everyone meet her earthly family.. I know it is the last thing you might know right now, but this perfect little girl was given to you because the Lord knows what honorable and strong parents you are and will be and this Celestial child was entrusted to two of his most honorable parents. Hang in there, hang tight...we love you both so much. I know it seems odd that in only meeting you once during your wedding, that I know you, but Mary and I shared many months of travel back and forth to the Temple and I learned so much about the beautiful young woman you are through her.....she loves you so very much. Hugs Emily and Nathan, lots of big warm hugs!!

Ashley Tremblay: I wish nothing more than for you to have your sweet baby in your arms right now. My heart aches for you. I'll pray that angels will surround you. Keep you mind focused on the celestial light that sweet Addison has. Much love.

Channy Hansen Fish: I have to tell you that I resist the urge to comment or post something for you everyday so you won't think I'm a completely crazy stranger. There is a heaviness in my heart for you always, and my prayers for you continue. Feel what you feel, and don't be ashamed....even when people say all the wrong things. You are loved. Your post made me think of this poem (only I would change the last part to "does exist." Addison lives on and will be with you again):

ANGEL

I’ve lost a child, I hear myself say,

And the person I’m talking to just turns away.

Now why did I tell them, I don’t understand.

It wasn’t for sympathy or to get a helping hand.

I just want them to know I’ve lost something dear.

I want them to know that my child was here,

She left something behind that no one can see.

So, if I’ve upset you, I’m sorry as can be.

You’ll have to forgive me, I could not resist,

I just want you to know that my Child did exist.

Jennifer Culp: Emily- I have typed in three different comments here and have retracted them all! I really feel the need to reach out to you, but it is hard to know what to say, even if I have been through it myself! The slope into darkness can be a little slippery when grieving so I encourage you to continue with these posts, expressing yourself, and leaning on the family and friends for continued support until your wound is not so raw. You may even feel like you're coming undone at times, but have faith that there will one day come a time when your pain, your anger, sadness will not be so very fresh...the love that Father and everyone else has for you and Nathan will be the healing balm that you need to carry on. No one will EVER EVER forget sweet little Addison because she is an extension of you and Nathan and the tender love you two have for one another! FAMILIES ARE FOREVER and that knowledge can be a great comfort to us moms of angel babies in particular, I think. ( I am actually going to post this one!)

Have a "Good" Day

March 31

The sun is back. I don't know why but it is. Yesterday was good. I woke up a little depressed but I think my mood turned after talking with some friends at church. Friends are amazing healers. I doubt they even realized they were helping me just by talking. Daddy has been amazing too. Some may say they married the best man but how many could get through this trial? I think Daddy and I are going to be just fine.

I have heard some mothers say that every child they have has taken a part of their brain. There are also proven studies that show an amnesia effect after delivery so that women forget the trauma of birth. Well I definitely have got some of that forgetfulness going on. It's incredibly frustrating but I like to think of it as Addison taking a little part of my brain (along with all of my heart). In conversation I get very easily distracted from what I want to say and then have to back track to try to pick up close to where I left off. I also forget what I want to write about. In the middle of these posts I will start to forget the point or theme of the post. Then it feels like I don't have anything to write about but that's not true. I have a million things in my heart that need to be said. My mind will just only let a few things out at a time. Still it's helpful when y'all make requests. I know everyone wants to know "how are you doing today" but actually that takes a lot of effort to answer. Most people say "good" as a robotic reply but how on earth could I be "good". People also use other days to judge how well that day is going. If I were to do that, I haven't had a "good day" since Addison was born. So then it's more of a question of "how depressed are you today". That closer to what I feel like I should answer. There is no denying the depression. Some days hurt more than others. Today I feel a little less depressed. That's as far as I know right now

Hoping you are having a "good" day

Addison's Mommy

19 likes

Krista Mullins: That's a good place to start! Do you have help today?

Emily Beth Rusch: I do

Nadya Greene: Maybe jot down some notes/points you want to focus on for your blog entries? I'm a bad scatterbrain and have had to start doing that for school papers.

Cheryl Solomon Collins: Im not sure what you are majoring in BUT I think you should get a degree in or volunteer in Grief Counseling. I wish I could have known someone like you years ago. I am amazed at how you are navigating your way through this time. You seem to be going through all of the "grief" stages and recognizing them and talking/writing through them. Addison must be telling everyone she is meeting to look at how amazing her parents are!!!! I am amazed at you and learning from you. You both continue to be in my prayers!!

Puppy Pictures on a Somber Day

March 30

I feel very somber this morning. Like I could have laid in bed all day. I'm up though. It kinda feels like I ran a marathon and my body doesn't want to expel any more energy. I think it's depression. I don't think and I hope it doesn't last long. If the sun would come out today that would help.

In other news, we got pictures of the puppy. Her name will be River even though the pic says Mary. We will pick her up on April 12th from Kentucky.

 

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Brigetta Blair Love: What part of Kentucky? We live in louisville and would love to see you

Emily Beth Rusch I like the sound of that Brigetta Blair Love. I'll find out and let u know.

Sarah Latchaw: I Love Kentucky. My husband is from Louisville:) also.

Jessica Snider: She is so precious!!! I'm so happy y'all found one. I know you have great support already and people you lean on...but if you ever need to talk call me

Valerie Jones Merrell: River is so little! And I love her beauty spot! I'm hoping any depression lifts soon.

Tamra West: What a cutie! Now I want another dog

Gotta wait until we have a house though. Oh well.

Trudy Moncrief Troxell: River is beautiful and will bring much joy to you. Know the Lord is there to lift your depression when you ready to let it go. This is very healthy parts of grieving and don't be hard on yourself. Stay close to Heavenly Father and you will be bouncing around as that is very natural for you. So when you get to put your paws on River feel the love she will give to you freely.

Michelle Granger Moose: She's so cute!!!

Lisa Cornish Kotter: Did your mother have postpartum depression? I'm not saying that's what this is, but it could be compounding your grief. I've heard that taking care of your own needs (sleep, nutrition, fluids) and exercising and getting sunshine can help with depression. Obviously that is a very simplistic way to look at it, but it's something. (Sorry - I wish I had something to say that would take away all your pain.) I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you feel better and better each day. In other news, your puppy is absolutely adorable. I can't believe how small she is!

Serenity Anderson: Super cute

Tamra West: I just read your most recent post, and then found this in my news feed. Addison is going to be the person that does this for you.

“One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together”

Please, Just Give Me My Baby Back

March 30

Ever since I got home Tonight, I have had this feeling that I'm dreaming. Like this isn't my real life. As if soon I will wake up and Addison would have just been someone I made up. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. This feeling is scaring me though. I want Addison to be real and the nightmare to be over. I don't want to forget her or pretend it never happened. I just want to wake up and have my baby. I want my baby back. It feels like maybe I left her somewhere and need to go pick her up. But she's not here. And I can't find her or think of a place she would be. It can't be real. It can't be real that my baby is gone. My baby girl couldn't have died. She was perfect. No diseases. No injuries. No malformations. So where the heck is she? How did she die? Why can't I find her? Literally I feel like getting in my car and searching for her but the part of me that still is a little sane knows I can't do that. I want to do more. I want to save her. I want to heal her. These can't be her ashes. This can't be my life. Where is my daughter? Why am I recovering from an incredibly traumatic c-section with no reward? I want my baby back. Someone please just give me my baby back.

I feel a little crazy right now. Maybe a lot crazy. I don't feel like I know myself nor does anyone know me. Am I breaking? Is this the reality check? Most of the time I don't ask for prayers but I think I need them right now. I hope I'm better in the morning. I pray that I am.

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Rose John: I had just said my night prayer with you and Nathan in it. I had a feeling to make sure to include you two, as well as Addison. I will continue to do so and I hope you can have the strength needed to get through the shock now that it's setting in.

JeNece Collins Clifford: Praying for you!

Annie Checkwood Guerrero: You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nyla Love: Love you so much Emily! Praying for your mothers heart to find peace and strength…in the middle of this storm. God bless you and Nathan.

Nadya Greene: You're in my prayers. And you're not crazy - you're a mother who's grieving.

Deborah Paulukaitis: Oh {{{Emily}}}. I just said an extra prayer right now for you. In some of my hardest moments I've often said prayers to Heavenly Father and asked him to tell my son things that I couldn't tell him myself. Keeping you in mind this fast sunday especially...

Clinton Hinckley: You got prayers Emily Beth Rusch!

Estella Brianne Killpack: Keeping you in my prayers

Debra V. Wade: Please know The Lord is with you. Kept talking, your in our prayers. XO

Jessica Brandon: Praying so hard for you. The reality is the hardest part. Just go with the emotions. Don't hold back. You are in my prayers, Emily.

Jenny Steinmetz: I'm so sorry, sweet Emily. She should not be gone, and you still here without her. It feels wrong. Perhaps one day you will find her, but it will be in the smile of a friend, and you'll know it's especially for you from her. You will hold her in the hug from a loved one. You will feel her warmth in the sun on your face. Smell her sweet baby scent in the flowers. See her beauty all around you. And none of this will ever be enough but she will be there. Much love and prayers!

Melissa Brown: You're not crazy, though it may feel that way. You're grieving, and that's so normal. Your daughter is missing and she is missed. Of course you want to find her. Hoping my prayers send some peace your way.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you and Nathan. Love and prayers for you. Oh how I wish I could do more...

Valerie Jones Merrell: You're not breaking....lots of prayers for you!

Ashley Tremblay: You have an army behind you, praying for you. Know that we will never forget her. Our hearts hurt for you.

Nancy McCabe: Praying for you. You're not breaking, you're mourning. You've had a dramatic trauma of body, mind, and spirit. We are here to help you through it. We all love you and your family.

Emily Rusch: I'm crying yet more tears for you Em. Life just sucks sometimes.

Grieving is Hard

March 29

Grieving is hard. It's exhausting. It's debilitating. I am constantly trying to figure out how I feel so I can better understand myself. Even so others can better understand this self that I don't know. I play every scenario in my head trying to figure out what would be helpful for someone to say or what would make me crumble. To be honest, it doesn't matter how often I rehearse it, I can never really know. So I have guarded myself. I'm very careful as to who I'm around because some people might remind me too much of Addison or some people might not be sensitive enough to my loss. I would have never known who I would reach out to, even cling to, if someone had played out this scenario to me before Addison was born. I will say that the people I have clung to are also maybe not who you would expect. They are the mothers, even some with babies or that are pregnant. Most would think that this would break my heart repeatedly but these other mothers know very closely what I'm feeling. They know about all the joys Addison has brought me. They can also know or attempt to comprehend what it would be like to lose something so beloved. They listen to me without judgement or insensitivity. It's not that other people do that. It's just that mothers are the best at. It's best because I'm a mother too.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. It seems I write reminders about what I want to write about next and it seems like I never do that. I think it's just because my mood changes. Sorry for the confusion. I will still leave notes for myself but I might not get to that topic for a while.

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Debra V. Wade: I so admire your strength your honesty and again thank you for sharing. I know that this is helping many people heal. Thank you and y'all are in our prayers always.

Krista Mullins: And your mommy friends admire the strength you show in the face of unbearable adversity! You are such a special person and we all love you!

Emily Rusch: Love you sweet sister.

Michelle Granger Moose: Let's talk again on Monday if you want and I would like to talk to Nathan as well if he would like to.

Little Miracles

March 28

Sorry today's post is so late. Today was a busy day. Normally I like to write early in the morning while Daddy is still sleeping. I would much rather be enjoying his company once he wakes up. This morning, Nathan went to have breakfast with his dad, Grandpa, and so he got up earlier than normal, thus giving me little time to write.

Yesterday I mentioned that I was having a hard morning. That hard morning ended up lasting all day (fortunately it did not carry over to today). It just felt like my heart was close to the surface all day long. It wasn't any one specific thing anyone said or did. It definitely was not the people I was with. It just was a hard day. A good friend helped me make some sense of why there are hard days. She told me that its sort of like my body absorbing the shock. My mind and my heart can't handle it all at once. Every once in a while though, I can handle or accept a little more of what has happened. At first those days were all crammed together but as the remaining shock gets smaller and smaller, the frequency of my hard days will become further and further apart. There may never be a day though that the shock is totally gone.

Today wasn't as hard and I actually started off by focusing on some miracles that have happened. Daddy has a new job. It is a true miracle. This job came to him also. The real miracle part though is that Daddy is going to be home in the evenings and off on the weekends. For those who may not know us as personally, Nathan has been getting home no earlier than 8:30pm for almost a year (sometimes as late as 2am). I am overjoyed! I'm going to have a husband again! We could maybe even go on a date.

There have been a few other little miracles but they haven't fully panned out yet so I won't comment on them quite yet. What I will say is how thankful I am for our guardian angel, Addison. I very strongly feel that Addison had a discussion with Heavenly Father and together they decided that Mommy and Daddy need each other more than ever right now. They prepared this job for Nathan, even maybe before Addison came to us, so that we could better take care of each other. It's like Addison has just been going around, touching peoples hearts and showing God's favor. I love her. She has such a caring heart. I am proud to call myself her mother.

I wanted to talk a little about the anger phase of grief but I think I will save it for another time since it might seemingly contradict all I have said about the miracles. As a for-warning to that future post, I will say that anger is a normal part of the grief process and I think I have been handling very well. I don't want to be told not to be angry or to just rely on Heavenly Father more. I am relying on Him. That doesn't mean that I can't feel like I got the short end of the stick sometimes.

Thank you for your understanding in advance.

Addison's Mommy

25 likes

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: I'm so, so glad today was better for you. Congrats on the new job! So happy and excited for you guys!

Sarah Latchaw: Congrats on the new job! And of course let it out:) we love you and are here for you for the ups and the downs. Addison is a precious little spirit that will always take care of you.

Shauna Baang: Yay so grateful for the miracles! Someone once Told me that it's okay to own your feelings and to feel them. the hard part is to know when to let it go. Which is so hard to do for some people including myself! Love you and admire you and your strengths . ((Hugs))

Jessica Snider: I think you'll find a lot of us have gone through the grieving process with y'all...obviously not to the same extent...but many of is have felt sad and angry and also the warm comfort of the spirit and the strengthening through the gospel...Addison has touched us all in a very special way. I think your posts are beautiful and helpful for all of us. None of us are judging or criticizing how you feel. I think most of us have been amazed by y'all and how well you're dealing with this.

Taurus Womble: Let's double date. :))

Emily Rusch: Hooray for the new job!! He totally deserves it. Such a blessing that you will have him home.

And p.s. you're allowed to be angry.

Krista Mullins: SO happy for the new job too!! WOW!! HUGE blessing! Couldn't be happier for you!

I Want to Feel Like a Mother

March 27

It has been a hard morning. I miss her. Those 3 words bring me to tears. It's so hard to miss her here too. She was never here, in my room. She was never in her nursery. Never in her crib. Never in her bouncer. Never here at all. I don't have a memory of bringing her home from the hospital, just me trying to leave where she was. I want to be where she was. Sitting by her NICU bed, holding her hand, and speaking to her so softly so her heart rate wouldn't go up. I want to be on my way to see her too. I want to be able to say, "I'm on my way to see my baby." When I say that, I feel like a mother. Now, with out her physically with me, no one sees me as that. A mother. And I mean all the people who don't know me. All of you have done well to tell me how great a mother I am. But still, now I have no baby to mother. Btw, looks like we will have a puppy in about 2 weeks.

Some mothers who have gone through this talk about aching arms. Needing to hold a baby. I don't have much of that. I have what feels like an empty home. I didn't see Addison as just a baby. I see her in many stages of life. Like her starting to walk and needing to baby proof the house better. Or her going outside and leaving the door open so that we have to catch the dog. Or reading scriptures together as a family and trying to get her to put her cell phone down. I miss Addison not just as my baby but as my child.

The child I never got to bring home.

With a heavy heart today,

Addison's Mommy

28 likes

Brendi Hazelton: I'm so sorry Emily  just remember she was too righteous for this earth. I would be so proud to say that about my child!! That's awesome. Not many parents get to say that. I feel the spirit just thinking about it

Jennifer Culp: Emily, sorry you're having a hard morning!

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: You're in my prayers, sweet friend.

Lisa Cornish Kotter: ((hugs)) I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish I had something helpful to say. btw, you are a really good writer.

Tiffany Spagnuolo: Burlew May God hold you in his tender loving arms today and let you know he understands your pain and loves you so much. He will be your rock. As he holds your daughter he is also holding your heart.

Debra V. Wade: Wish I could hug your hurt away. You are a mother to Addison always, especially now as you mother her memory for all the little Rusch's still headed to y'all's home. Sending big warm hugs.

Krista Mullins: Warm thoughts for you today!

Catherine Doerr: Hugs, good thoughts, prayers all for you today!

Karen Chirinos Bradley: After losing our daughter (6 years ago), someone shared this poem with me. It's framed in our house. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

To the Child of My Heart

O precious, tiny sweet little one

You will always be to me

So perfect, pure and innocent

Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life

And all that it would be

We waited and longed for you to

come and join our family.

We never had the chance to play,

To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We yearn to hold you, touch you

how we longed to hear you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,

He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

the child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.

You are our sorrow and our joy

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.

We'll forget you never.

The child we had, but never had,

and yet will have forever.

 

Sherrie Jenkins Dean: Some days will be harder than other days but it will never be easy. Especially on the hard days just remind yourself you will be able to see her again in heaven. That is what I do as it has almost been 24 years since I lost my baby. I am a friend of your mom's Emily and I must say I am very impressed with how courageous you and your husband have been during this difficult time and I know that your mom must be very proud of you both. Continue to rely and draw your strength from God. Many people are praying for you and Nathan.

Valerie Jones Merrell: I've been thinking about you all day. Hugs and love to you...

Dropping the Bomb

March 26

If anyone has ever lost someone close, you probably know that although you are grieving, so is everyone else for you. I learned this before Nathan and I got married. A friend of mine from church passed away very unexpectedly. At the funeral, I noticed I was crying more than the widow and she was even smiling and comforting others. I'm glad I had that experience because that's how it was with Addison. I wasn't faking it though. I really was happy to see everyone. Happy they had come to meet my beautiful daughter and support us. Now it's harder though. Not talking to the people who already know but the people who don't. Every time I tell someone, it feels like I'm dropping a bomb on them. They don't know how to respond and I don't know how I want them to respond. Some of them get so close to crying but they hold it because I'm not crying. I hope it doesn't burden them all day. I try to only tell people when it's actually relevant. I do love to talk about her though so I can't say I really avoid bringing her up either.

One thing I do get to do when I talk about her though is share the gospel. Everyone wonders why this would happen to us. I have a strong belief that this was Heavenly Fathers plan. Addison did not need to be on earth for very long because Heavenly Father needed her back. She was too valiant and righteous for this world. It makes me happy to share all that with people. I hope it brings hope into their lives and lessens the blow of our tragic story.

My next post I want to be about all the things we are doing to remember her and this is my reminder.

With a mother's love,

Addison's Mommy

56 likes

Valerie Jones Merrell: That's so interesting about being able to comfort others. I'm glad you didn't mind us all crying.

Clinton Hinckley: Heavenly Father will (and has already) make you both even stronger from this trial in your lives. The gospel is a beautiful thing.

Stupid Cholestasis

March 25

How many times have you been poked? I know I probably don't hold the record but it sure feels like a lot. And it's not over. My cholestasis still isn't gone. I'm not itchy anymore but one of my test results for blood work I did yesterday is actually higher than it was when I went into the hospital. I don't mean to alarm anyone. Cholestasis is not usually dangerous to the mother. It will not necessarily repeat itself in pregnancy. And it did not directly cause Addison's heart rate to drop. If anything, it got me into the hospital for when her heart rate did drop so that she wasn't a stillborn baby. That doesn't mean that I'm thankful for it yet either though. In any future pregnancies, if I develop cholestasis, I will have an immediate c-section. The more c-sections I have, the less children I should have. We want several children. Do you see my dilemma? As a pre-emptive measure, I will likely have many more dr. visits and likely do blood work every time. I want that. I need that for my own sanity. I had an appointment yesterday and my midwife related to me that they fully expect me to be worried with any future pregnancies and they will be ready for that.

I love my midwives. There are 3 from kaiser that I was very close with before Addison was born and they have gone above and beyond in this situation. These three women will determine my health coverage for a long time. They understand my concerns and my fears (which are completely normal).

Anyway, I need to get in the shower so I can do my fasting blood work in a little while. Yay for another poke...

Addison's mommy

16 likes

Tabitha Owens Welch: If you haven't already, you might be interested in checking out the message boards on the ICAN website. http://www.icanofatlanta.com/ There is lots of support and information there for women who have had c-sections in many different kinds of circumstances, and several of the women on the message boards also have angel babies. I understand how you feel about wanting a large family. My first came via c-section and I was worried about that too. I was able to have a VBAC the second time around though, so, if it's safe for you and baby, that option is definitely out there  *Hugs*

Kerrie Rudd Odell: Emily- I sent Nathan this link. THis is my friend Alie, and she her baby Amelia would be 18 months old now. She would love to share her story, struggles, and strength with you. http://delightedtobe.com/baby-amelias-story-anencephaly/

Hannah Granger: When I first read this I thought you meant Facebook pokes lol

Emily Rusch: I've been anxious to hear hour your follow up appt went. It's so great that you trust your midwives. That makes such a huge difference. You'll be well looked after with your future pregnancies.

Getting a Puppy

March 24

This is happening!!!! I am so excited!! My wonderful boss (of which I nanny for) offered that I can bring a puppy to work! My land lord immediately said yes and is even going to waive the fee she normally would charge for a pet! I am soooo excited!!! (I didn't tag my boss in this post in case she didn't want the world to know who she is but she is welcome to expose herself if she wants). We are looking to get a Brittany Spaniel. I have always loved how beautiful they are and I can provide the exercise she will need. Yes, we want a girl. It seems Brittany Spaniel puppies are in pretty high demand and are sold mostly up north. If anyone has any connections to help us find a puppy, that would be awesome. I called one breeder this evening to see if they had any available and they said a litter would be born in about 2 weeks and then the puppies would be available 6 weeks after that.... We would prefer to get a puppy sooner but it seems this might be the best route... reserving a puppy. Anyway, again if anyone can help us find a girl, Brittany Spaniel puppy that is available for pick up ASAP, that would be amazing!

I am so glad we will have something to put our love into. Heavenly Father loves us and knows our needs.

With love and excitement,

 Addison's Mommy

60 likes

Debra V. Wade: Dogs seem to know just what their humans need in the healing department. Very excited for you!!

Kacey Verrault: You can check rescues and shelters in your area

Nicki Brodniak: Yay!

Alexandra Sowinski: Brittany's are amazing dogs!! Much like springer spaniels  tons of personality, and are known as Velcro dogs. (They just need to be with you at all times)

Lynn Butler Harder: I think that's great, Emily! I am excited for you!

Amy Dupras Granger: How fun! Your new puppy will be so happy to have you guys!!! Make sure you watch them play and interact before you choose. Maybe see which puppy chooses YOU . How exciting!

Jennifer Wallace Wells: Yay! So excited for you guys!

Ashe Johnson: Wonderful idea. Pets can be such an amazing source of love and comfort through even the toughest times... and they'll be there for you for many years to come.

Ashley Tremblay: Yay! What exciting news! Dogs can have so much love to give back, as well!

Gina Gardner Brown: This dog I previously mentioned is a brittany-spaniel/pointer mix. She is spayed and healthy. Wanna take a look? She's 2-3 yrs. old and POTTY TRAINED. Seriously, you could come see her anytime. I'll hook you up for a visit.

Emily Beth Rusch: Gina Gardner Brown, could you send a picture? I'm really wanting a puppy but I'll try to consider this one cuz I know we could get it sooner.

Gina Gardner Brown: Yes, I just asked the owner for one, but she is probably in bed already, but I will get it to you soon. And, this dog, I'm pretty sure, will be free. That is also a bonus. You could probably take her for a trial run if you want. She is a sweetie.

Jefferson Espinoza: Getting a potty trained dog is soooo worth it!

Melissa Jensen Allen: So cool!!! I can't wait to see her! Look in the ajc for free BS puppies. You just never know. Excited for you!!!

Stephanie Gray Albritton: We used to foster for American Brittany rescue. They are amazing family dogs. Unfortunately, the rescues very rarely get puppies  If you really want a purebred, reserving one might be you're quickest option. Either way, I'm so excited for you to be able to get a puppy!

Emily Rusch: Loooove Brittany spaniels. I'm so excited this is working out for you!!

Ginger Faulk: It's nice to see you excited about getting a puppy. Hope you can get one sooner than 8 weeks but if not, that time will go faster than you think!

Gina Gardner Brown: Can you please message me your email address? I cannot share the pics through FB. Thanks.

Valerie Jones Merrell: Oh, how fun! Can our kids come shower love on your puppy when you get her?

Something to Love

March 24

 

Who flipped the pm switch? Yes, I thought about posting this morning but wasn't sure how quickly I would be posting on the blog. It looks like it is going to take me a few days to set up because of all the content I want to transfer.

Daddy is sick today. Miserably sick. I guess he deserves to be taken care of too. It helps that I'm barely sick at all now so I can take care of him. It's nice to have someone to take care of. Someone to love...

Don't get me wrong, I love Addison with all my heart, but she isn't here. I saved up at least nine months (probably more) of love to give to her and I only had 3 days to release just a glimmer of it. I still have so much love to give her. My heart is so full it hurts. That's one of the hardest things right now. I am a mother. I feel like a mother. But I have no one and nothing to mother.

 I considered getting a pet. I'm sure our land lord would let us after all this. But really I don't have the time to care for a pet. I want one. But really I can't conform my life to care for one. I could've, and I did conform my life to care for Addison. She would have never had to go to day care. I could have had a pet then. But not now.  

A pet would help me though. I could snuggle it, play with it, buy things for it, and mother it. It would never reject me either. It would be perfect. But I am too responsible of a person to keep my pet in a crate all day. That pet doesn't deserve that. But that doesn't mean I don't want one. I do.
One day, when we do get a pet (a dog) I will name it River.

Love,
Addison's mommy

22 likes
 
Brendi Hazelton: Very sweet! You remind me of myself. I treat my dog Jonah like a baby. I wouldn't dare put my Dog in a crate. I only work 4 hours a day, anyway. It's taken us a little longer to get pregnant than expected (I know 5 months isn't long, but I guess I thought we would get pregnant sooner), but Jonah fills that gap, and makes the waiting a lot easier. Get a little puppy. They love to love, and be loved back.  Jonah is so spoiled.

Brandie Hill: Fish, or birds make great pets, and you don't have to been there 24/7. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. Food, a visit, a hug, cookies, brownies. You name it its yours.!!

Gina Gardner Brown: Hi Emily. I live in LV ward. I actually know of a woman who is looking to re-home a dog. We have pet sit her before. Her name is currently Indy. She is full of energy, still puppy-ish, but does not bark much...if at all. If you are interested, let me know.

Jelaire Womble: Poor Nathan Rusch Im glad he has a great wife to take care of him.

Angel Babies

March 23 at 6:30am

I woke up at 5 this time. I have been laying here thinking I would be able to go back to sleep. Obviously no. Daddy has also been using me as his giant teddy bear which is unusual for him. I'm glad he doesn't mind how sweaty and gross I am at night. I have also been coughing a lot still. I go to have an incision check tomorrow though so I will mention it then.

It's Sunday. The day of rest. Generally speaking, I would rather not be resting or attempting to rest. I think I might do family history work today. For those of you who aren't members of the LDS (Mormon) church, we do family history work to link everyone that came to earth. We do our best to build up the records of those who have passed. Sometimes that's hard, especially with people who live long ago. But those who have passed are also helping us to accomplish this. They have lots of work to do themselves. I hope to feel more connected to Addison as I work on our Family History.

I am so thankful for Addison and the time we had with her. I have gotten to hear how different it has been for other mothers of Angel Babies, especially if those babies were born many years ago. I have been saying, it is tragic and wonderful how well the hospital was prepared to help us grieve and memorialize our daughter. Although they did an amazing job, I'm sure it is without doubt due to practice and revisions made when other babies have passed. I wish I could hold those other babies too. I imagine Addison playing with them in heaven. In my day dream I see her, not as a baby but as a small child. Her hair is long and dark, silky and full. She is running, almost in slow motion in my mind. They are playing tag. There's a sand box where they make castles and slides that spin around and around. Every child is beautiful, but I can't help but be a little partial.

When the kids get tired of running, they all sit along the jungle gym and talk. They remember their families. They discuss what we are upto and how they can help us. Some of them get sad to see us hurting. I hope Addison is not overly saddened. They love our accomplishments and rejoice to see us grow. Sometimes they meet with the children who have not come to their parents yet. They tell them how to be good and help Mommy and Daddy. Some are better listeners than others but every single one is excited. Excited to meet mom and dad. To help nurture the hole left by the Angel babies, their brothers or sisters. What a big hole it is. Such huge shoes to fill.

I love my Angel Baby. My beautiful Angel, Addison River.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

37 likes

Ginger Faulk So beautiful, you are such an awesome writer. Someday Addison's siblings are going to love reading these beautiful writings. I love reading them and I love y'all and you're beautiful Angel Baby, Addison River.

Channy Hansen Fish You have a beautiful way with words and expressing your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for so willingly sharing yourself with us all. You, Addison, and Nathan are now loved by so many, near and far, beyond measure.

Debra V. Wade Your words are healing to so many. Thank you

My Future

March 22 at 7:38am

Well I must have gone to bed too early last night because I woke up about around 6:30. Daddy is still asleep. What a long day yesterday was. I had been dreading it all week. Letting reality creep back in. I don't remember who said it but it's just tragic how the world keeps turning when your grieving. Daddy had to leave for work about 9 am. I followed him around the house like a sad puppy. I know that probably didn't make it easier for him. I cried when he put his shoes on. He held me.

I'm still afraid to be by myself. Not because I'm going to do anything dangerous but because I just don't want to get sad and not have someone to comfort me. I guess I also don't want it to feel like real life yet either. It's nice to have such great neighbors. The missionaries for our church are just next door. They sat with me yesterday on the porch area between my helper coming and Daddy leaving.

Several people have asked what I'm going to do now. Well my life was going to change and although it still has, my schedule will sort of remain the same. I am 8 classes away from graduating with a BBA in finance and I plan to complete that at the end of spring semester 2015. I plan to use my degree to manage our home finances and be a stay-at-home mom. A lot of people would like to hear me say that I'm going to go into the working world but I never wanted that and this situation doesn't change that. However, if I ever am needed to help in provide for our family, I would skip a beat. I will also continue with the same job that I had before Addison was born as a Nanny.

Some wonder if I can be around kids and especially infants. I can. I am cautious though. Some children have less of a filter than others and I'm careful to consider which children I expose myself to. I love talking about Addison especially when little children want to get to know her but I think some kids get stuck on the why question. Why did this happen. My response is always that Heavenly Father needed her back. For some kids that enough. I have a hard time if they keep asking why after that.

I am not afraid to be around babies but I don't trust myself to hold them right now. I don't want to start a downward spiral of dreaming they are Addison. I also don't want to be rejected by a baby. I know they cry for a million reasons but I'm afraid of equating it to them rejecting me as a mother. I know that may sound silly because "I'm a great mom" but I just can't make a baby cry right now. Otherwise though, I do fine to be in the same room with them. But That could always change.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

25 likes

Marcy Howard: as you know babies pick up on vibes very quickly. so the more relaxed you become, the less likely they are to spaz out on you.  We love you and Nathan so much! You are so strong even when you don't feel like it. Hugs my sweet friend! Thinking of you all the time!

Debra V. Wade: Call any time, day or night. Love you guys!!!!

Emily Rusch: Go at your own pace babe! Let life slowly creep back to "normal". You'll find a groove. Let yourself be sad at times and laugh at other times. Now that you're a mommy life will never be the same. Just gotta find a new normal.

I will Do a Blog

March 21 at 8:18pm

So im pretty decided. I will do a blog and post links to fb. I also will do my best to make an instructional post on fb so people can access, comment, and share the blog as easily as possible. This change will likely occur on Monday. I think I will also repost all the posts I have written upto this point onto the blog so that it will be easier to make into a book when that time comes.

26 likes

Cat Martin: Love this!! {and you both too}

Angie Thompson: Praying for you all. I am working on your beautiful photos to make them everything you would want.

Why Daddy Does It

Nathan Rusch March 21 at 9:42am

For the first time in about 2 weeks I'm on my way to work. Is it easy? No. But as parents we we have to leave our loved ones at home and be away from them for about 10 hours each day. We don't do it because we can't stand them, we don't do it because we don't want to be around the screaming kids or a nagging wife. Lol

We do it because we love our family and we want them to have a roof over their heads, you want them to be warm and have clothes and we want them to feel comfortable at all times when we are not there. When we are not there they'll anticipation the moment that we return each day.

It kinda puts an eternal perspective . Those that leave our families and go to work everyday, we're not home all the time but we are always able to receive a phone call ,we are always able to talk, and whenever we are needed greatly we will be there.

Addison's Daddy

55 likes

Angie Thompson: Praying for you as you start your day today.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: You're a great husband, father, and provider. I know your girls are grateful for you.

Trudy Moncrief Troxell: The first day is the hardest and the comfort of going home is amazing. So have a good day and think that people are send love when they say so how are you today. It is a love jester not knowing its a hard to be away. We love you and continue to pray for healing and comfort.

Estella Brianne Killpack: I am praying for you both! I know I am in Utah but let know if their is anything I can do for you guys!

Debra V. Wade: Well said young man. Sending a hug for the day!!

I Get Up to See My Baby

March 21 at 8:44am

Why do you get up in the morning? Why does anyone? When I was first pregnant, in the very, very beginning, it was to pee. I'm talking like 4-6 weeks along. It was about 6 am every time. Then it became to throw up. And not really throw up, just to pretend like there was something other than stomach acid in my belly. Daddy always came. There weren't many times that I threw up without him. He would rub my back and then get anything I needed once I was done. He would literally lift me off the floor because I felt so weak. Then, at about 16 weeks, the vomiting magically stopped. What took its place though was an insatiable hunger. I tried to eat a big meal before bed to help my growling stomach in the morning but sometimes I still had to get midnight snacks. Later in my pregnancy with Addison, that backed off. I again had to get up to go to the bathroom. I never woke up earlier than 6:30 to go which was a blessing. I always thanked my long torso and Addison's gentleness for never having an emergency where I didn't make it. A lot of the time I preferred to linger in bed because that was when she was most active. I wouldn't talk or put much pressure on my belly because I didn't want to distract her from her morning aerobics. These morning are probably my most prized memory of my pregnancy.

Well why do I get up now? What is my motivation? I'm not hungry, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't care if I have a shower first thing... And even if I do get up to do any of these things, I can just go back to bed.

A few days ago, I was laying in bed. I had woken up around 6:30, made a post, and then just laid there until almost 11:30. Sure, Nathan was there with me and we were talking and stuff. He had brought me a muffin to eat and then I think he got in the shower. I really had no reason to get up. No baby needing to be fed. No baby to change a diaper. No baby just to stare at in her crib. No baby to wrap up and snuggle. No baby to take for a walk. No baby.

But then I remembered what I do have. I have a giant picture of my baby. It hadn't been hung up yet. I hadn't decided where I wanted to put it. It was just leaning against the wall in the living room. I got up immediately. I had to go see my baby. I had to remember her sweet lips. I had to remember her cute nose. I had to remember every detail of her sweet disposition.

That is why I got up.

She is why I get up.

I get up to see my baby.

I hope everyone else has a good reason to get up, but I have the best.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

P.S. Addison's picture has a permanent place in the living room for all to see and to help me get up.

45 likes

Debra V. Wade: Thank you.

Krista Mullins: Perfect. I love it!

Nadya John: It is a beautiful picture of her. It'll be a great way to welcome guests into your home.

Ginger Faulk: Beautiful...every one needs that reason to get up and seeing your baby is a great reason. You continue to inspire me.

A Blog?

March 20 at 8:53pm

So a question for y'all. I have been thinking about my writing. I think I will be writing for a long time. It really helps me but it helps me most because I feel like I'm getting to share Addison with the world. I think I will turn this blog type thing I have done into a book, not for real publication. Just for my family to read and remember what we went through with Addison. Especially for Addison's siblings. It seems it would be easier for me to be wrong in an actual blog vs. on fb. But I'm afraid that if I change over, I would lose readers but I also might gain readers. I could update both but I want to include people's comments because that often inspires my future posts. I might be able to contact Facebook and they could help me to get all the stuff I want in the book in an organized format. So here is the question part I talked about. What do I do? Would you stop reading if I did a blog? Should I just post links to the blog when I do post? Do you think Facebook could help me make a book? Do you think I would gain readers by doing a blog? It seems there aren't enough hours in a day to do everything and yet everyone is helping me do everything. So don't worry about a big immediate change. Just help me figure out what I should do.

Thanks,

Addison's Mommy

17 likes

Victoria Romero Clearfield: Sweet Emily Beth Rusch! My heart aches for you and Nathan every time I read each and every one of your FB posts. I think a blog would be fabulous! I would continue to follow you. You are LOVED!! Your strength speaks volumes of your faith and love for GOD! Sending you hugs!!

Brendi Hazelton: I love reading your posts every day! I'm not sure if you read mine or not  but you could do a blog! Can people still reply like they can on Facebook? You mentioned that it helps you when people are commenting on posts and encouraging you. I don't know if it will be that easy with a blog, but I'm not sure. I think Facebook makes it more of a conversation, whereas blogging is more of everyone listening to you.

Brendi Hazelton: Whatever helps you the most, I'm there either way supporting you

Stephanie Gray Albritton: I don't know how to follow a blog (I'm pretty sure that sounds very dumb), but I'd definitely try and figure it out if you made one

Emily Beth Rusch: Brendi Hazelton, I totally read everyone and started to respond to yours this morning until I got distracted. That happens a lot these days. I will get to it though.

Channy Hansen Fish: A lot of people will most definitely follow you to a blog, as well as some new readers for sure. You'll also get a more organized, chronological record for printing/saving with a blog (this page seems to keep rearranging the order of your posts). However, for photos, questions, quick status updates, and requests for which you'd like comments and feedback, post them on the FB page. Post blog update links on the FB page as well. Then you get the best of both worlds  .

Elizabeth Jefferson Espinoza: Do a blog, and share your posts on fb. Also, I think you'll be able to touch so many people going through similar things in a blog, and I DO think you could publish it as an actual book.

Olivia Margarita Almendares: I would read both, I enjoy your posts and even though I don't comment very often, I've been reading them every day ... I think you could keep your fb readers by linking blog posts to fb. I have a friend who does that and I read her new blog posts and you could ask people to comment on fb about the posts if that's easier? both have advantages but I think it's sometimes harder for people to comment on blog posts, for whatever reason. Regardless of what you decide, I think it's a great decision to write about all that's happened and is happening while its going on...

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: A blog definitely allows comments to be posted. There are companies that print blogs and Facebook posts. I know people who have done both. A blog is nice because you can personalize it with a cute background, and you can still post your writing, pics, and videos. And you can post the links to Facebook. I think a blog would be great, but I would read your posts either way.  I can show you how to start a blog if you've never done one...

Tina Marie Rusch I have been thinking about this, because I am a scrapbooker. I think you should start a blog. I will follow you on my RSS reader. I think a blog is a better way of writing your feelings. I also think that you should make a scrapbook of everything, from when you first found out you were pregnant until whenever you decide. The best place to make a scrapbook is picaboo.com. There is also one that does it from blogs, but I don't think that they do such a great job. Picaboo is nice because you can pretty much arrange it yourself! Hope that helps! Let me know if you have questions!

Tana Castleberry: I would say do a blog and just post when you update; people can comment on that post and also comment on your blog post. Blogging keeps it in chronological order and will make it easier to make into a book I think. I enjoy reading your thoughts a lot. I love how open you are in sharing your thoughts; very brave. It inspires me and I'm sure many others.

Jefrilyn Ellison: Tina Hoskisson was just telling me about a program that does this tonight. Blurb?

Krista Mullins: I personally love blogs!

Ashley Frandsen Either way is awesome. I am a sibling to an older sister that passed at birth. I would have loved to have read my parents thoughts and experiences. I would have loved to have gotten a chance to know her through their experience. This will be a huge treasure to your future children. Thanks for sharing with us too. You are my hero!

Carrie Jensen: i think the way fb works is each time someone comments on your post, that particular post gets brought to the top. so a blog would definitely be able to keep everything in chronological order. i love your posts. i feel like you are able to beautifully share your experience with love and grace and strength. i know i have benefitted and increased my prayers and relationship with God through this time, i can very much imagine someone who is in your same situation finding strength and hope through your words. how ever you choose to continue, i will follow, and i know many more will, as well. 

Martha Mooney Granger: I will keep reading it doesn't matter where you write it!

Hannah Granger: BOTH. I think everyone is so intrigued by your posts on here you wouldn't lose many if any readers by doing a blog and you would gain readers who don't know you personally that can relate which could help you. I don't think blogs notify when you've made a new update so def. keep doing Fb. Also, I think your writing would get even better and even more personal through a blog.

Sarah Latchaw: Call me and I can walk you through it. I worked for a social media firm for almost a year with blogs, facebook, twitter, youtube, etc. Getting facebook on the phone is an actual rare thing as we tried with one of our clients but we did get one call once from them about something else.

Cat Martin: I'd go the bloig route personally:)

Robert Winsor: I especially like the idea of making a physical book for your future children. My mom's first children, a twin boy and girl, did not live past childbirth and I think if I had been able to read her accounts of what she went through I could better understand while growing up why she still struggled with grief over their absence.

Becca Taylor: I would totally read the blog. I don't know if you even remember me. But I have been thinking about your sweet Addison all day. It makes me sad that you have to go through this, but you seem very strong.

Chelsea Johnston: I've been reading your updates daily and apologize for not making more comments and asking more questions! But I would definitely continue to read your posts either way. I have a friend that blogs religiously and she just posts the link on facebook to make it easier for people to get to (and to remember!) and plus that way people can still make comments on facebook and not have to worry about figuring out how to comment onto her blog. It may make it feel more official for you and would definitely help keep things a little more organized if you're wanting to try it.  and about the book, my grandma published her own book for pretty cheap if you actually do want it in like a hardback book but aren't necessarily wanting to sell it. I can ask her more about it if you'd like.

Camden Fordham Inman: I'm with Chelsea Johnston on this one! And most of the other people as well.  make a blog and post links to Facebook! I will continue following you where ever you decide to write.

Emily Beth Rusch: So im pretty decided. I will do a blog and post links to fb. I also will do my best to make an instructional post on fb so people can access, comment, and share the blog as easily as possible. This change will likely occur on Monday. I think I will also repost all the posts I have written upto this point onto the blog so that it will be easier to make into a book when that time comes.

Jessica Jones Marsaw: Blogs are great! You can include a gallery of Addison's pictures and then have an easy to follow dated journal. I have blogged for years and there are some great websites that will slurp your posts and then publish them in a book. I love it when people post a link on Facebook to their most recent blog post, makes it easy to keep up.