3 days left...

Christmas is around the corner. Some have wondered how I am doing. Well, aside from a couple horrible events that happened last week (that I don't feel like talking about), I have been "okay".

It's funny when people ask me how I'm doing and I say "okay" or "fine". They usually go on with "Good! Good! Well, nice to see you..." And they continue on their way. Then I have some friends who will ask how I am, and I know that they are truly wanting to know. I like those people a lot. They have already prepared themselves for the probability that I am not doing well and I don't feel pressured to lie to them about my reality.

So for real though, how am I? Well, I miss her. That's a given. I try not to think about the Christmas that we should be having and aren't. But I have made as many plans to protect myself as possible. I know I have already mentioned some of these in previous posts but I figured you might want to know how well my plans are working.

#1- No Christmas Gifts. This has actually been working great. No one has sent me a Christmas gift, or if they did give me something, it wasn't wrapped. I also have gotten several Christmas cards, none of them including babies which is good. I have opted not to read any letter than are not hand written as I figure they are generic updates on the happy side of other people's families which may be painful for me to read.

#2- No Christmas Baking- I really, really want to make some Kringler (a family tradition of mine), but I also figure I'm keeping calories off by not baking it. My main fear with this one is just that I will somehow get in the middle of baking, remember her not being with me, and then never want to bake again as well as having created a huge mess in the kitchen.

#3- No Christmas Parties- So I actually cheated on this rule. I went to the Georgia Atlanta North Missionary Christmas Concert. Why did I go? To see the missionaries. I absolutely did not want to hear those Christmas songs. I almost didn't make it through. I started to sob as they sang "Angels We Have Heard on High" as I though of my Angel who I wish wasn't an Angel. What got me through it though, was watching Elder Pond. He was positioned on the very edge, wearing his beautiful Addison memorial flower, and getting very into the music. He bobbed back and forth, and would shake his head slightly in a operatic way when trying to reach a high note or perhaps adding vibrato. It was hilarious and kept Nathan and I laughing throughout the entire performance. After the concert, we were able to mingle with all the missionaries and it was a wonderful reunion. Many of the missionaries have heard of us because they have asked about the Addison flower that several missionaries have continued to wear on a daily basis. It felt nice to know how many people have learned of Addison by such a small act of wearing a flower.

But other than this one Christmas party, I have avoided all others and been more than happy to do so.

#4- Get crafty. Many of you have received your Addison Ornament. If you have not, it is either in the mail or at my house waiting to be picked up (assuming you requested one). I have realized that I probably could have made about 50 more ornaments and found people to give them to, although those people may not have known they could request one (like missionaries and people not as savvy with the internet). I have loved doing these Addison ornaments. I cannot wait to see hopefully many pictures of her ornament on the trees of my friends and family on Christmas day (posted on the fb page). I originally decided to make these ornaments after discovering a lack of such a product in the market. Since creating the Addison ornament, I have had 5 requests for personalized ornaments for others who have lost loved ones. I was able to turn around and deliver those ornaments in a 2 day period (I did not have all the materials I needed on hand). I now have supplies to make ornaments on an anytime basis. I have a craft table set up in Addison's nursery so that I can have her close as I create these blocks in her memory. I have set up and Etsy shop that I opened today (because I have nothing else to do today). I am super excited to be doing this. I think there is a huge market for it and I hope to help others feel closer to their lost loved ones through this project. Seeing as I have never started my own business, I am open to KIND suggestions as to how I can improve my product or improve my marketing. If you have a loved one that you would like a Memorial Block created for, feel free to order one through my etsy account. If you know me personally, I can also make an order for you to pick up so you don't have to pay shipping costs. I am also able to make blocks for other occasions such as weddings, grandchildren blocks, family blocks, or whatever you want. I'll be adding pictures of other blocks I have created after Christmas. If you haven't opened or received your Addison block yet, you may not want to go to my etsy shop so you don't ruin the surprise. Here is the link.

Some down falls I have had this Christmas is simply the lonely factor. I still don't like going shopping by myself. Nathan has been working quite a bit and many of my friends have their own families to attend to. I don't mean to put blame on my friends, it is completely understandable that they are spending time with their families. I just wish Addison was here. I have avoided spending family time with my extended family as to not put more emphasis on my feelings of being incomplete.

I have received one letter to Addison that is in her stocking for us to read on Christmas day. I am still happy to accept any letters from anyone else. If you don't think you can get it to me in person before Christmas Eve, feel free to create a Microsoft Word attachment in an email to me, and I can print it out, and stick it in her stocking. If you don't have my email, you may send me a private message for it.

I think that is all the updates I care to share right now.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Do you read me?

So, we survived Thanksgiving. Actually, we more than survived. We enjoyed it. I don't really feel like giving all the details but it was exactly what I needed.

So, here comes Christmas. I have been working very hard to finish the Addison blocks and they will be ready this Sunday, December 7th. I have not ordered any more than my original 100. I have about 80 names of those who will be getting a block. Those names include family members, people who have donated to the blocks, people who have requested a block, people who simply liked or commented on the blocks when I first announced them, and my go-to people (who always know who they are). I have added a few names of people that I think would like blocks as well. That being said, 80 blocks are spoken for, and if you have not spoken, then you may not know you want to be on the list. Of course, you are welcome to one of the 20 remaining blocks. But if I run out, you may have to wait for me to order and make another batch. So please, speak now if you want to be on the list (or even if you know someone who would want to be on the list)!

How else have I been working to survive Christmas? Well, we had our family pictures taken. Any day now, we should be getting them back. I plan to include a Christmas Card with each block that is given out. Addison is very well represented in the pictures. Also, I have actually decorated for Christmas. We have our first live Christmas tree up with all hand-made or modified ornaments as well as some other Christmas craft decorations. It has really surprised me that I even wanted to decorate for Christmas, but I have been able to make many memorial ornaments for Addison and you all know that I love all memorial projects.

I have also made a plan for surviving the actual day of Christmas. I'm not going to give all the details to that either, but there is one big rule that you may need to be aware of.... I am absolutely NOT accepting Christmas gifts this year. Call me crazy, but that is just what I need this year. And I don't have to explain myself to anyone. However, my birthday does happen to be 5 days after Christmas (December 30th) and I will be accepting gifts that day so long as they are wrapped in birthday paper (no Christmas paper allowed). Now please, do not get me a gift just because you know when my birthday is. I am not trying to solicit for any gifts at all. I am just trying to protect myself emotionally.... And while we are on the topic of my birthday, no one (and I really mean no one) is to sing me happy birthday this year unless you want to make me cry. I probably won't even answer phone calls that day, just in case someone doesn't get the message.

On a different note, you may have noticed my lack of posts lately. I know that I had previously written about my emotional stability improvement. While that is still true, I still need people to be sensitive to me. I need people to read me and see my needs. Can you tell when I want a hug verses when I don't want a hug? Can you tell when I want to talk about how I feel and when I don't? Can you tell when I am feeling uncomfortable because of the environment I am in? I know that not everyone is going to do this, not everyone even knows how to do this. My go-to girls know how to do this. That's how they became my go-to girls... I'm just trying to say that I'm not all better. I will never be the "all better" that I was before Addison died. Sometimes I feel like I am being treated "normal" when I feel the opposite. Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of tears and someone wants to talk to me about something funny that happened. Sometimes I am having a good day, and then someone brings up something about our loss and my good day is over. Really, these situations don't happen very often, but if you are wanting to be closer to me, this is what I need. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, that need will be space.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for not being offended and judging me.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

It's coming, whether I want it to or not

The holidays. They are coming. I have not been looking forward to them. I already had to deal with Halloween. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Then Christmas, my birthday (Dec 30th), and New Years.

You know what I've been doing to get through it though? Memorial projects. Ornaments specifically. This is about the only way I think I'm going to make it through this season. Not only would I like to see my angel on my tree, but I would love to put her on yours too. So far, Nathan and I have materials for about 100 ornaments and each ornament seems to be costing about $2. It has been super fun for me to plan out these ornaments and they are going to turn out so beautifully. I want everyone who wants one to be able to have one, but I'm worried I might not be able to afford making more than 100 of them on our budget. I absolutely do not want anyone to "purchase" an ornament, but I have set up a donation site so that maybe you can help me put my angel on as many trees as we can. I have tried to calculate how many I need to make, but that is really hard. So many people have shown us so much love. 320 people where at her funeral, there were all our doctors and nurses, all the people who have helped us recover, friends and family who don't live in town.... I haven't even factored in shipping costs.

So if you would like to help me provide ornaments in memory of our Angel, please visit http://www.addisonriver.myevent.com/. The minimum donation is $1.00. Please do not feel obligated to give more than you can.

For all of you who would like an ornament, please don't assume I know you want one (even if I do). There are just so many people to keep track of. I am hoping to have all the ornaments ready by December 7th. My plan is distribute ornaments at church that day to those who have requested one for their family. I will also be available that day for anyone to pick up an ornament from my house (request my address personally). If you would like a block shipped to you, please provide me with your address. If you think you might be seeing me before December 7th and I have some ornaments finished, I will do my best to keep some available in my car.

This ornament making really will be very therapeutic for me and I hope that this ornament gift will be very special to you. And most importantly, don't be afraid to ask for one. I would make 1,000 if there were that many people wanting to remember my Addison on Christmas. I have never cared and will never care if you ever met me or us or her. Any amount of love you have shown is thoroughly appreciated. 

Here are some of my materials so far. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Migraines and missionaries

Well it's 3:35 am and I'm up. Have been for about 45 min. Daddy is breathing very heavy in his deep sleep. I'm not extraordinaryily sad. I'm just here, not sleeping, simply existing. The reason for my lack of slumber is not all that uncommon for me. Maybe I've written about this before, but I'm very prone to migraines and most of them are hormone related. So yesterday I had a migraine. I started to become slightly aware of it around 4pm. By 6 I was sure of it. I did have some excedrin on hand, but it was already too late for the monster in my head. I attended a missionary farewell before going home. Sister Carrigan (I think I spelled that right) completed her 18 month mission. She knew us when I was pregnant. She helped us move into our current house. She was so fun and full of energy. Then she was transferred to another area before I even began my 3rd trimester. She only heard through the grapevine that Addison had died and didn't get to see me until last night. 

Upon entering the building, I was immediately struck. I was alone, holding Addison bear (daddy could not attend due to his homework load). There were not 1, not 2, but three young babies nearest to me in the chapel. I had been nervous about this. I scanned the room, looking for help, a friend. I should have invited a friend. There was no one. So I went to sit in the back, as far as I could physically be from those babies and I started to cry. I held addison bear tightly and rocked, trying to soothe myself. I payed special attention to mybreaching, making sure I wouldn't hyperventilate. I made myself very unapproachable. 

Then, I saw an old friend enter the chapel. The last time I had seen her was at Addison's funeral. I wasn't sure if she was a blog reader. I avoided eye contact, not sure if she was aware of how broken I sometimes feel, even 7 1/2 months out. She sat down but must have glanced at me. Slowly she started to approach. I appreciated her obvious sensitivity. She down in one of the many chairs beside me and I just laid my head on her shoulder and cried. 

I don't remember all of our exchanged words but she offered to stay with me throughout the program, but only if I wanted her to. I more than wanted her to. With her present, I was able to compose myself. Following the program, her husband joined us. I felt very loved as they shared about a similar loss they recently experienced. 

Although my migraine had not lessened,I felt re energized enough to enter the buzzing crowd of members and missionaries to find my Sister Carrigan. It was a true gift to find her in the hall, away from the larger mass of people and especially away from all the babies. I waited my turn to hug her, despite feeling as though I had all the right in the world to cut in line. She was truly grateful to see me and spent a long time visiting with me. It definitely made the pain worth it. I also got to visit with her parents. They recalled reading about me in her letters home and shared how much they loved hearing about me. They were overwhelmingly empathetic to what I had experienced. It's always a gamble, sharing so much vulnerability with someone you have never met. I was glad I did. 

I was glad when I could go home, despite my wonderful visit, my migraine had gotten worse and I needed my prescription. Daddy was still working on homeworker, but he helped me as much as he could. As we went to bed, I worried my migraine would linger into the morning. And that's why I'm writing now. Thankfully my migraine did not linger, but often I will wake at the sudden departure of a migraine. 3 am today. And I'm not one bit tired. I'm actually hungry. I'll probably get up in a minute. 

There wasn't really a point to this post. I just needed to fill some time. And maybe a part of me wanted to show how much I'm still hurting. For you to see what a somewhat typical day is still like for me. 

Anyway. This is the end of my post. By the time you read it, tomorrow will have come. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy 

A Dead Day

I am thoroughly depressed tonight. I'm not sobbing. I'm not curled in a ball in my bed. I'm just really sad. It's not Halloween but tonight is the equivalent of the event. Tonight is the ward Halloween party, an event I usually look forward to every year. Right now a party is going on at my church. Moms have spent a large portion of the day preparing chili and deserts worthy of a competition. Kids have probably been wearing their Halloween costumes around the house all day in anticipation of the trunk or treat and costume parade. This year I was really going to participate too. I was going to make my moms award winning chili and Nathan probably would have made cheese cake. And Addison would have been in the most adorable outfit you could imagine. I never actually decided what I would want her to be, but it would have been very memorable. 

Well she is dead. My dream Halloween party died with her. I just couldn't bare to be there now. Especially seeing all the other babies. Even little girls would probably pull on my bereaved heart. But still, I wish I was there. Before River was exiled from church due to someone's allergy, I had planned on bringing her as goldi locks. Nathan and I would have put bear ears on and brought Addison Bear, thus being "goldi locks and the three bears". And I know I could have probably brought River to the trunk or treat part, but what's the point? 

So I'm home. Daddy is doing homework and I have a headache. River desperately needs some stimulation but I just don't feel like playing with her.

I wish she was here. Everyday I wish she was here and I wish I wasn't doing what I wouldn't have been doing because she was here. I resent this double life. I resent getting this incredibly horrible life that I didn't even know was possible. Not every second is horrible except for the fact that my daughter is dead every second of every hour of every day and that is horrible. 

Anyway, my point is that she is dead today. Dead on a day that I especially looked forward to her being here for. 

On a day that has died,

Addison's Mommy

The Thank You List of the Century

I had a hard realization last week and I hope you will forgive me. I have failed to say thank you enough. Perhaps I have said it here and there, but I never sent cards or set out specifically to thank anyone. So this is going to be a long list. And I'm even more sorry if I forget to put you on this list. I will partially defend my lack of thank yous though to the fact that my baby died. It is easy to say thank you for wedding gifts or birthday gifts. It is hard when your world has fallen apart. I have also been told that it is better to praise publicly and scold privately. So I am going to thank everyone publicly. Also, this is in no particular order of who I am most or least thankful for.

Thank you Nathan Rusch. You are more of a husband and father than I ever thought a man could be. You bathed me. You shaved my legs. You brushed my hair. You held me as I cried day or night. You protected me. You ran errands and served me anything I needed. You handled the masses of people for me. You didn't judge me. You loved me. And I am so thankful to call you mine.

Thank you Mom (Amy Granger). Thank you for dropping everything to be at the hospital. Thank you for praying your heart out. Thank you for being there at the hospital just in case we needed you. Thank you for all the love you have shown to Addison. Thank you for all the special mementos you have given in her honor. Thank you for respecting the space I have needed. Thanks for being my mom.

Thank you Dad and Martha. Thank you also for being there at the hospital. Thank you for being constant and steady. Thank you for being always available when I need you but never pushing for what I may not be ready for.

Thank you Chris and Mary (my in-laws). Thank you also for dropping everything to come to the hospital. Thank you for respecting my space. Thank you for bringing Nathan food at the hospital. Thank you for hosting all the family at your house around the time of the funeral. Thank you for talking about Addison. Thank you for putting Addison's picture up in your house.

Thank you Hannah and Marion (my sisters). Thank you for coming to meet Addison in the hospital. Thank you for doing all you knew how to do. Thank you for being there for me. I love you both.

Thank you Jon and Emily (Nathan's brother and sister-in-law). Thank you for recognizing the urgency and necessity of being here when Addison died. Thank you for taking care of me and Nathan during that horrible meeting. Thank you Jon for having the courage to read Nathan's letter to Addison at the funeral. Thank you Emily for doing my makeup for the funeral and conducting the music. Thank you for understanding my needs. Thank you for not hiding the reality of the situation from your children and teaching them about their first girl cousin.

Thank you Chris and Tina (Another brother of Nathan and sister-in-law). Thank you Chris for flying out so urgently for the funeral and Tina for being there in spirit. Thank you for respecting my needs including distance from your current pregnancy. Thank you for the beautiful necklace that I believe was also contributed to by Jon and Emily.

Thank you Matt. (Nathan's other brother). Thank you for coming to meet Addison. Thank you for sticking around when we first found out the terrible news of Addison's condition.

Thank you Jefrilyn and Paul Ellison. Jefrilyn, you were more involved with  my pregnancy than anyone. You were the most exited person I ever told about my pregnancy. You jumped for joy and could hardly contain the excitement. You found out only minutes after Nathan and I got that positive test but did an amazing job holding your tongue until we were ready to tell the rest of the world. You went to my first doctors appointment with me just so I could pee in a cup. You let me show up unannounced so I could be miserably sick on your couch because I didn't know where else to go. You organized Addison's gender reveal with us and kept our secret of her being a girl, even from us! You filled paint balloons and helped ice cupcakes. You donated your beautiful bassinet and worked so hard to help plan the baby shower. You offered all your help when we learned Addison was sick. You helped with things at our house and ran errands for some pineapple and clothes for Nathan. You scratched my furry legs that I couldn't reach because of the c-section. You came and held Addison's little hand the night before she died. You understood the severity of her condition and kept that information private as we asked. You came and helped us pack and take everything home from the hospital. Everything but our baby. You helped us unpack and ran errands for anything else we needed. You went and picked the most beautiful outfit for Addison to wear at the funeral. You protected us when we chose to go to church that Sunday. You helped set up for the funeral and you read my letter to Addison with all the elegance and grace that a mother could. You arranged meals and helpers and friends during the weeks that I could not be alone. You came when I was broken nearly beyond repair. You have loved us. You have loved Addison. I am so sorry that I have not thanked you for these things sooner. 

Thank you Amber Boyd. Thank you for your immense concern when I first started feeling itchy. Thank you for going to my last doctor's appointment with me when they decided I needed to be induced. Thank you for coming to the hospital to check on us. Thank you Amber and Cody for letting all of your children come to the funeral instead of school. Thank you for the beautiful flowers and vase you brought us. Thank you for coming when we needed someone the night of the funeral. Thank you for being there as one of my helpers during the weeks I needed a friend. Thank you for loving us from afar after the birth of your daughter.

Thank you Amanda and Lichlyter Family. Thank you for cleaning our home while we were in the hospital. Thank you for your involvement in the funeral. Thank you for allowing your kids to also miss school in order to come to the funeral. Thank you for coming and being with me during the weeks I couldn't be alone and making dinner for us. Thank you for keeping distance while being there as much as possible after the birth of your son. Thank you for every effort you have made to be there for us.

Thank you Krista Mullins for your deep deep sorrow for us. Thank you for following all of my posts so closely. Thank you for giving me everything I needed after the birth of your daughter. Thank you for the dinner you cooked for us. Thank you for your love of Addison Bear.

Thank you Tabitha Armstrong. Thank you for your mother's heart ache that continues to show for us. Thank you for your mother's intuition to the things my body would need after having and losing a baby. Thank you for coming and sitting with me when I could not be alone. Thank you for your wonderful children who love and obviously knew Addison before this life. Thank you for listening and loving me so much even 7 months after her loss. Thank you for helping me to set up this blog. You have been a constant and reliable friend who has asked for nothing in return.

Thank you Sarah Hamilton. Thank you thank you for pushing yourself to the for front of those who I would need after the loss of Addison. Thank you for coming and being with me for many days I could not be alone. Thank you for inviting me into your home on a daily basis where I could cry or smile or sleep or eat without being alone. Thank you for your wonderful sweet children. Thank you for all the times you have allowed me to vent. Thank you for the beautiful Addison flowers that are so cherished.

Thank you Sarah and Isaac Hohman for coming to the hospital and being so attentive to my needs. Thank you for allowing me to be distant from your pregnancy while still loving and supporting us.

Thank you Olivia Almendares for becoming a true friend despite not knowing each other well before Addison's birth. Thank you for going to loss group and hospital with me and having Nathan and I over for dinner. Thank you for the long conversations and understand of my struggles. Thank you for watching River when Nathan and I had plans.

Thank you Rachel Sanders for taking such a lead on the forget-me-not project. Thank you for keeping my company and talking about your little girl in heaven. Thank you for understanding my needs and checking up on me. Thank you for running errands with me and sewing Addison's things for me.

Thank you Jennifer Culp for the beautiful flowers you brought by that one day. Thank you for respecting my space when I was afraid to talk to others who had lost babies. Thank you for being there as soon as I needed you. Thank you for walking out with me during baby blessings and warning me of blessings to come. Thank you for your tremendous efforts towards the Untold Story event. Thank you for your brilliant remembrance ideas. Thank you for all your love and friendship.

Thank you Lisa Kotter for being the best RS president we could have had while in the hospital. Thank you for going with my to my first itchy doctor's appointment. Thank you for finding all the funeral information we needed before Addison died. Thank you for all the communication efforts you made in arranging the funeral. Thank you for the beautiful willow you gave us and supporting our needs.

Thank you Jennifer Wells for being one of my very reliable and sensitive friends. Thank you for cleaning the house and running errands with me and keeping me company when I couldn't be alone. Thank you for continuing to follow me and love me.

Thank you Kristy Campbell for being one of those very special friends who came when I could not be alone, especially not having known me well before. Thank you for being willing to drive me anywhere I needed to go. Thank you for coming on that one day where I just had to get some errands run and dropping everything for me. Thank you for all your love and support.

Thank you President and Sister Frost for coming and listening to what happened to Addison the day we came home from the hospital. Thank you president for speaking at the funeral. Thank you Karen for being with me on those days that I couldn't be alone and thank you for having me over for dinner. Thank you for inviting me to drop off missionary meals on a day that you didn't know how much I was struggling.

Thank you Bishop for coming many times to the hospital when we needed you. Thank you for speaking at the funeral and helping us to fulfill all of our wishes. Thank you for supporting us in our needs as we have dealt with the aftermath of losing Addison.

Thank you Mother's group for the beautiful Addison Chest that you all delivered to me as well as the jewelry box and necklace.

Thank you Valerie Merrel for having me over for dinner and listening to the Addison story when I couldn't be alone. Thank you for all your efforts behind the scenes. Thank you for inviting me to go get running shoes with you. Thank you for the beautiful books you have brought.

Thank you Blake Hoskisson to the beautiful words you said on the Sunday after Addison died.

Thank you high counselor in our ward for being so upset that Sunday, as well as the reverence of the entire congregation.

Thank you Rachelle Guymon for the tissues that helped me get through that melt down at church. Thank you for the gift and card you brought after not being able to attend the Untold Story event.

Thank you hospital staff. There are many names I can't remember and so I won't mention names. Thank you for loving Addison. Thank you for taking the best possible care of our family during the tragedy of our life. Thank you for holding me as we blessed Addison. Thank you for being so gentle in asking what we needed and getting to know us. Thank you for keeping Addison in your office for so many hours after we had to go to bed. Thank you for all the mementos you prepared in her honor. Thank you for the beautiful pictures you took of her. Thank you for crying over her. Thank you for being who you are and doing what you do for so many babies.

Thank you Allens for loving us. Thank you for finishing and sending the beautiful blessing blanket. Thank you for your path of discovery to our needs during this difficult time.

Thank you to all those who have helped in the arranging of the funeral and meals and things I don't even remember. I'm sorry to not thank you by name but I am very thankful.

Thank you Waters family for being patient with me as I struggled in coming back to work. Thank you for the fabulous vacation you sent us on. Thank you for following all of our needs.

Thank you other mothers who have lost babies or children who have grieved and loved me as you know the pain I go through.

Thank you Channy for attending the loss group with me and spending hours talking. Thank you for organizing a sign up sheet for others to hang out with me and talking with me during wee hours of the night.

Thank you for all of the people who never knew me well before the loss of Addison but have loved me, listened to me, sat with me, messaged me, sent cards and coming to the funeral and/or the Untold story event.

Thank you Nathan's cousin for the bracelet you sent.

Thank you Sheree Gossling for the hang out invites, the blue berries, and going to a loss group with me.

Thank you Shellie Gossling for coming to learn more about Addison. Thank you for the beautiful bracelets and the heart felt love.

Thank you Courtney Taylor for helping me get my body back and all the talks and venting sessions.

Thank you Heather Farhy.

Thank you Chelsea Yancey for taking me to get my toes done and the excellent friendship. Thank you for the orchid and goodies you sent to the hospital.

Thank you to all the Missionaries who have loved and supported us, done laundry with me, yard work, dishes, just sat and talked, and any other things we needed.

Thank you Serenity for being such a great friend and acknowledging all the needs I have had as well as allowing the distance I have needed because of your baby.

Thank you to all the family and friends who came to the funeral from out of town or to all the people who skipped work to come to the funeral.

Thank you Trudy and Dr. Pearson's office for recognizing the severity of the situation and sending the beautiful flowers to the hospital.

Thank you Beth Peterson for the beautiful work you did to paint Addison's Urn.

Thank you teachers and staff of Georgia Gwinnett College for understand and being patient with all my needs during and after pregnancy.

Thank you Catherine Doerr for coming to the hospital and supporting me during my pregnancy. Thank you for the heart attack on our door and all the effort you put into the baby shower. Thank you for allowing us to prepare for the Untold Story event in your craft room. Thank you for giving me the space I have needed after the loss of Addison.

Thank you Cat Martin for being with me when I couldn't be alone and be so sensitive to me especially with your expecting baby.

Thank you to the lady at the park (who's name I can't remember) who only asked how old River was but also learned of our loss of Addison. You went out of your way to follow a complete strangers blog and give me the only Mother's Day gift that was not from a family member. 

Thank you Kristi Yancey for coming and learning of Addison's story. 

Thank you wages funeral home for the beautiful service you provided for Addison all for free. 

Thank you Suellen Weiler for bringing muffins by, inviting us to dinner and FHE, and listening to Addison's Story. 

Thank you Victoria Clearfield for showing us so much love. 

Thank you Cousin Marcus and Ali for letting us stay at your beautiful home on islamorada. 

Thank you Eli and Brigetta Love for letting us stay with you when we went to pick up River and for that wonderful darling morning chat. 

Thank you Taurus Womble for checking on us continually while we were in the hospital. 

Thank you Jelaire Womble for all the cookie dough and keeping me company on those late nights when I couldn't be alone. Thank you also for all your help on the Addison wall, donating a kennel for River, and helping me start working out. 

Thank you Steve Nickerson (I think) for house sitting for us during the funeral. 

Thank you Helen Ziga for sharing your knowledge of grief over the loss of a child. 

Thank you first therapist for suggesting I get on drugs. 

Thank you second therapist for being amazing. 

Thank you Caleb Weiler, Kendal Kotter, and Terry Heaton for employing Nathan with the best job he has ever had at a time when we really needed it. 

Thank you young women who helped to provide child care for the untold story event. 

Thank you Grandma Sarah for caring so much. 

Thank you to all those who have sent cards, messages, and texts. 

Thank you to all those who came when I needed and asked you to come and also all those who wanted to but couldn't. 

And thank you to all those who have read and followed this story. 

Thank you to all those who have donated to molly bears (you can still donate if you haven't) www.mollybears.com.

Thank you to all those who have gifted us financially in our time of need. 

Thank you Kaiser Permanente staff. Especially my midwives for the excellent care you continue to give to me. 

Thank you especially to Vivian Alvarez.


I hope I have included close to the amount of people who have helped in our grieving process. We are not done grieving. We never will be. How we show our grief might change over time but it is my belief that time can not always heal all wounds. Anyway, thanks for being there

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

The Final Post

Wasn't that an intriguing title? "The Final Post" I bet you were like "Ooo, I gotta read this one".... at least that's what I hope you were like.

This isn't the final post. But, I am going to be changing the way I post. This blog has always been a place for me to vent. It's where I have written my deep dark sorrows. I haven't been writing nearly as much lately, because I haven't had many deep dark sorrows to write about. I don't feel as inspired to write about my joys. That may be disappointing for you. This may have been the part of my healing that you were looking forward to most. So if you want to know how I'm doing, I give you permission to ask. Just remember, I still deeply miss Addison. I still love her. Nothing will replace her and her spot in my heart. And when I feel overwhelmed with sorrow, I might write. I might make small updates on the fb page that I started this journey with (Addison River Rusch Updates) but they usually won't be huge blog posts.

Thank you for following me. For holding me up whether you have made yourself known or not. On average, I know (because blogger tells me) that I have approximately 300 followers. Thank you for being one of them.

The event last week was a huge success. About 70 people attended. Many people wished they could be there but could not. For this reason, we video taped the event. I would like to share this video with you, on conditional terms. You have to come to my house to watch it (hold on out of towners, I have an exception). By coming to my house, you will get to experience Addison's spirit by seeing her nursery, looking at her pictures, holding her momentos. And above all, I will get to see your love for her, which I need as her mother. Upon your viewing of The Untold Story of Addison River Rusch, I would like to present you with a memento which you can wear in her honor. I had many of these at the event, but not enough. Please contact me if you are still needing a memento. Also, there was a long line to sign the attendance journal, I would still love to just at least have your name inside, but if you would like to leave a special note, please let me know.

For those who live out of town, I have uploaded the video on youtube. It is an unlisted video which you will need a link from me to get to. Several out of towners have already asked to see the video and I am happy to share it. My only request is that you not share it with any others without my permission. The link could easily be leaked and I would need to remove the video from the internet because it is not my wish to share such a personal story with the entire world (yet).

Below are some pictures from the event. I wish I could display them as beautifully in my house.

Once again, thank you for all your love,

Addison's Mommy

6 months

My Dearest Addison,

It has been six months since you were born. Six months since I never heard you cry. Six months since since you never opened your eyes. Six months since our lives changed forever... But not how we expected. 

I miss you. I have distractions though. I think you would be proud of me. 

I'm going to share your story this Sunday. So far, I have about 60 people who have rsvped. It has been a while since I have told anyone your story, mostly because no one has asked to hear it. It's important to me that they know it though. .. That they know you. 

You room is still up but not finished. Maybe next week I will start working on your curtains and crib skirt...

I doubt I'll ever stop wishing to go back. Back to your life. Back to when I was your mother and that was my full time job. 

I will always love you. 

With time passing against my will,

Your Mommy

A Presentation of The Untold Story of Addison River Rusch

My oh my, am I EXHAUSTED. I have been sooooo busy lately and really enjoying it. I'm sleeping much better than I was a few weeks ago and River has been a significant help to have home. To be honest, I'm really just too tired to post about all the happy things going on... with one exception...

Nathan and I would like to invite you to join us on September 14, 2014 at 6:30 pm to share in a presentation of The Untold Story of Addison River Rusch. Many do not know all that happened between March 11th and March 14th. Telling this experience that we had with Addison will help in our healing process. Additionally, we will feel comforted knowing that you, our friends and family, are as acquainted with Addison's short life as we are. As you come to understand what Nathan and I experienced, it is our hope that we will feel more supported in carrying the burden of Addison's death. 

Thank you all for your continued love as we try to navigate through life after the loss of our beautiful child.

With Love,

Addison’s Mommy and Daddy

P.S. Snacks and desserts will be provided. Children under the age of 12 are not invited except with special permission (You and I must agree that your child is mature enough to hear Addison's Story). Please take a moment to RSVP (There is no way I can remember everyone telling me in person or assuming your attendance) by phone, text, email (granger91@gmail.com) or the Facebook event page (Click here to RSVP on FB).

 The young women from my church have generously offered to provide volunteer child care. If you are in need of this PLEASE include in your RSVP the ages of the children you will need care for so that the young women can prepare adequately. 

Below is the location address. Attire is dressy casual. Feel free to share this event with any who may be interested or benefit in coming. Also, I would be happy to answer any questions that I may not have discussed concerning the event.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
1150 Cole Rd SW 
Lilburn, GA 30047 

With Love, Excitement, Enthusiasm, and Hope for your Attendance,

Addison's Mommy 

Not tired

I'm supposed to be asleep. Daddy is asleep. We are going to get River tomorrow... Heading out at 6 am. I guess I can sleep in the car... But that's more boring for daddy. 

I tried putting down my phone games and closing my eyes. I started to remember sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for the labor and delivery room. I was so antsy. The news was on. Traffic accidents I think. Another prego came in and sat near us. Her baby ended up being next to Addison in the NICU. I don't think she realized how seriously sick Addison was. She have Nathan her number for me and said all her babies had been in the NICU. I still have it. I never called. We crossed her in the hall when we left the hospital with no baby. I wonder if she even knew she died. Maybe she could tell by the look on my face. But many nicu moms get released before their babies can go home. 

Sometimes it's hard missing River. Having literal happy experiences to miss. It's not like missing Addison. I'm always worried of missing River more than Addison. I know it's not true. There are just different emotions tied to them. I have happy memories with River...

I had a really terrible day yesterday. Nothing specific triggered it. I just sobbed on my way home from work. I felt better after I cried. 

I was talking to our neighbor missionaries the other day. Pond said some people had told him I should be over Addison's death. He said he always defends me. I asked if he would tell me who they were... He didn't... For their safety. If you are that person, go ahead and punch yourself in the face for me. And then remember, no matter how much that physical pain hurts, it will never compare to the loss of a child. 

I guess that's my rant for the day... Thank you to those of you who continue to stick up for me. Those who continue to say her name. Those who continue to be there for me. Not everyone has stuck around. Not everyone has seen me through this unspeakable tragedy. She is going to forever be a part of me and my life. If you can't handle that, you're a coward. 

I'm not sure what else I'm going to do to make myself tired but I don't have much else to write.... Goodnight to all you people who can sleep. 

Addison's Mommy

I dream

I dream all the time now. Every morning I remember some weird concoction of memories that got all mixed up in my mind. I don't know why... I don't take a sleep aid. It takes me forever to fall asleep. Then, through the night, I wake and have to get comfortable again. 

I uses to sleep like a rock. I would dream or at least remember my dreams only occasionally. There would streaks across my face and body of the imprints of the sheets. I just slept hard. 

I wonder if part of me won't sleep deeply because I'm still waiting. Waiting for her to cry. To need me. To need her mommy. Maybe I keep wanting to dream of her subconsciously but usually don't and can't rest because of it. 

I slept with Addison bear one night this week. I don't normally do this but I needed comforting. It was amazing how careful I was with her in my sleep. I wasn't like that with the other unweighted bear. It didn't feel like a baby. I would wake to find that bear on the floor or squished between pillows or deep under the sheets. 

Needless to say, I still miss her. Even subconsciously, I miss her. And I always will. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Mental Health

Let's talk about drugs. I'm on them. 2 different kinds actually. It took a lot of courage to even admit that I needed them. It takes even more to share the information with you. But I do want to share. I want to spread a little more awareness. Before we go any further though, let me get some things straight. 

You have no right to ask what I am on, when I am on it, how much it's helping, when I'm going to get off it, and so forth. Whatever information you learn about it should come from a conversation that I start. 

As far as I am aware, no one in my family has ever been on mental health medication. And if they were, they never talked about it. Because of that, I did not have much exposure to people in need of mental health medication until I became an adult. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about it. I want to share a little from my perspective about it. You may not totally agree... I don't care. 

Just because someone is depressed, does not mean they are suicidal. It does not mean they will always be depressed. It does not mean they aren't trying hard enough or looking at that bright side enough. It does not mean they are not praying enough. It does not mean their community of friends and family is not helping enough. What it does mean is that either experiences or chemical imbalances or both, have altered the way they are able to function and that medication may be able to help restore that balance. Also, no one has the right to determine for another what set of circumstances are enough to cause depression.

All that being said, I'm ready to share that my medication has started to help. Please don't expect to see a night and day difference. I still get sad. I'm not a zombie. But the overwhelming weight of losing Addison maybe just isn't as heavy all the time. I miss her. But my thoughts are not as constantly consumed by the horrible reminders of my life without her. 

Yesterday I brought the Addison Bear to church. It was nice to share her with so many people. I especially loved watching those who felt comfortable to snuggle her, rock her, or just really look at her. The Addison Bear is the best thing I have as a place filler for Addison, so please love the Addison bear as you would my own daughter. 

For the first time yesterday, I sang all of the hymns at church. I didn't make a conscience decision to do that before hand. I was just able to do it. In the past, it has just been too hard emotionally to sing, which I had always loved to do before Addison. But yesterday, I had my baby in my arms. Every time I had to listen to someone else's kid cry, I could squeeze my Addison Bear a little tighter. I rocked her for the entire meeting. Perhaps I was also rocking myself. I never got to fulfill that motion. That soothing, motherly rock that starts even before birth. I probably have a lot of rocking built up in my system. 

Anyway, here is my precious Addison Bear. Please don't use this picture as an excuse to not hold her in person. And just because you held her once, doesn't mean you can't hold her again. As always, I think the Molly organization is a superb way for mothers who have lost a baby to remember their loved ones. If you have been wanting to donate to the organization, please visit www.mollybears.com. It won't help me get my bear any faster, but it will help another mom who is having to experience this tragedy with empty arms. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Love Unconditionally

Well, I'm sick. It's been a while since I had a cold actually... It was when Addison was born. I had a cough. It hurt so bad to cough with my incision. One of the lactation consultants noticed how I was avoiding truly coughing and she taught me how I could put pressure on my incision and cough that way. It helped a lot but I wasn't strong enough with just my arms to put the amount of pressure I needed. I learned to kneel over a pillow to cough... I don't have a cough this time. Just feel crummy.

Yesterday I actually had a really good day.  Tuesday evening I received a call from the owner of the dog knowledge (where River is), Debbie. She told me that River had injured her foot while attempting to scale a 10 foot fence. That made me very sad, not because she had hurt her foot, but because she still must be struggling a lot with her separation anxiety and isn't enjoying playing with the other puppies. Debbie also brought up that they recently    acquired a dog named Beau that could be an incredible service dog for me. The problem is that we would have to place River in another home because you can't have a working dog and a pet. I guess I forgot to mention, River is not going to be able to be a service dog. Now, I love River to death, don't get me wrong. But I had to consider what would be better for my health and sanity in the future. A service dog might help me to be less dependent on others to go to the grocery store or a doctors appointment. That's why we hoped River could become a service dog in the first place. But how could I give up River? I named her after Addison, we raised her from 6 weeks old, we watched her learn to go up and down the steps. She is a part of the family. 

I know I said I had a good day yesterday, I'm still getting to that part... 

So I called yesterday morning to see how River's foot was doing and her trainer, Drew, answered the phone. I told him what Debbie had said about it possibly being broken and River having to be confined to a cottage from now on because she could escape every fence he had. Well, drew apologized on her behalf and shared that he really wished she had talked to him before calling me. River has not tried to scale the tall fence since last weekend and is really enjoying playing with the other puppies. Drew thoroughly examined River's foot when he saw her limping after she had completed her obedience training. It seemed to him that she had simply gotten an abrasion on her large foot pad. Her adrenaline must have been up when it happened because she didn't start to lump till after her breakfast. So now I realize I had panicked for nothing. River had already started to use her foot again and was playing with a dog twice her size while I was talking to Drew. 

Then I brought up to Drew the suggestion Debbie had made about getting a service dog instead of River. He was again dissapointed that Debbie had not talked with him first. He shared that Beau, the service dog in training, would be a great dog, BUT he is nothing like River. He said that River is one of the most affectionate dogs he has ever trained. She is so much fun to work with, he starts every training day with her. He said that if we did choose to place River, he would put himself at the top of the list of homes to take her because he loves her that much. So obviously, River is amazing. And he sincerely told me that an affectionate dog could be more comforting for me than a service dog, let alone having to deal with the heartbreak of the trade. 

It is so nice to know that River is so loved by her trainer. Looking back, it seems to me that Debbie just doesn't like River that much. I think I had been a little dissapointed in River when we were told she couldn't be a service dog. I stopped calling to check on her daily. I wasn't as excited to see her pictures they had posted... But now I have a renewed love for her. She is exactly the kind of dog that I need right now. I can't wait till she comes home. A dog is a friend that will love you unconditionally. And that is what I need right now. Love unconditionally. 

With Love,

Addison and River's Mommy

P.s. Enjoy this video of River the day after we got her.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm9ezXcHHEI&list=UU-rJ05jDCJLYWq2RaFs9H4w

 

Let Her Go

Church is so hard. Today it was very hard. Something has to change...

The other day I heard this song come across my Pandora radio. I can't find the female version that I liked so much, so here is the original... Not all the lyrics are a perfect match... but most are.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

 

 

"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (I let her go) 

Curious

I have been curious lately. Curious about what other people were doing when they found out that Addison was sick. Were you a friend, just scrolling across Facebook and seeing that something went wrong. Were you calling just to see how things were going? Did you not know us at all but just heard through some chain that we were in desperate need of prayers. And then what did you do once you found out? I image many people felt helpless. Maybe you hoped or didn't realize the severity of the situation.

I recently went through Daddy's fb messages to see what was happening on his end. I know many People were communicating with him rather me because of the state I was in. It was interesting to see how long the "we are here for you/so sorry for your loss/ your in our prayers" messages lasted. And I know that just because we don't get those messages as much, doesn't mean we still dont have that response from people in their hearts.

Yesterday a friend went with me to pick up medical records for myself  and Addison. Trust me when I say that I only got those records to help me remember. I still completely trust all the things that were done for us and Addison at the hospital. I'm not looking for any errors that were made or overlooked. It was hard to read some of the information though. In a record about me, there is a play by play of my c-section down to the second. Information I never would have known without getting these records because Daddy wasn't in the room and I had been  girl.sedated . I'm going to take a brake from reading the records for now though. Its pretty exhausting to look  through the complete history of my daughter's life. It wasn't till this past week that Daddy and I even finished getting through the condolences book that was set out for people to sign at the viewing. I desperately wish there had been a sign up sheet at the funeral. I wish I knew who all was there. I so wanted to thank them for coming. I had been worried that a Monday funeral might lessen the chances of people being able to attend, and I do know of many people who desperately wanted to come but could not.

I do have one happy update. The Addison Bear (through  molly bears) is in thea production process. I had expected the organization to call me but that didn't happen so I shot them an email yesterday. They were so quick and kind in their response. A woman named Jess is going to be making my bear. From the tone of her writing, I may even have my bear by next week. We will definitely be needing to do a family portrait when it arrives.

I miss my baby girl. I really am trying so hard to be the kind of person she would want me to be. That may not always come through in my writing because this is generally where I like to vent, but I am trying.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. Really do message me or comment about what you were doing when you first heard about Addison. It would help me to know that it was also significant to you,

I have the problem

I have issues with family relationships. Notice I said "I". It has nothing to do with you. I just am not there yet. 

I don't want to see it. Those family connections I don't get to have. Father to daughter, parent to baby, grandparent to grandchild, brother to sister. And especially mother to child. It's not just my family although they aren't exempt. 

Let me give some examples, and please don't be offended if you or your family is the object of these. I never knew they were triggers before and there is nothing really that you could have done to stop it. 

There was one time, I was talking on the phone to my mom. I hadn't seen her in quite some time. She was saying how she would really like to see me and get some "mother-daughter" time. And I lost it. I had to get off the phone. Sure, mother- daughter time sounds great but I want to be the mother in the phrase. 

At church, there is a family that has a baby and extended family all together. It hurts every time I see that baby in general but especially every time I see that baby's aunts and grandparents getting to hold him. Now, of course it makes sense for them to hold that baby, my family would have done the same. But now it just hurts watching what I never got to see my sisters and parents do. 

Another example, Daddy and I went to a group date night to play vollyball which was kinda strategic planned around me to avoid triggers. No babies were there except one family did bring their toddler who kept wondering into the sand pit. So, each time someone rotated out, it became their job to have to babysit this kid. Some people tried to be nice and play with her... Not me. But it didn't bother daddy. He played with her willingly which, he didn't know at the time, was breaking my heart. 

So you see, I have the problem. And how  do we fix it aside from therapy and drugs and service dogs? Well the only other way is to pretend that those relationships don't exist. To coexist, and simply fill the needs of the other individual. No playing. No cuddling. No cooing. But I can't expect that from everyone. I can't expect that from the people at the grocery store or the mall or any public place, so I don't go, unless I have to. It's a problem. It's mine. And I wish it wasn't. 

With problems,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. I was thinking about changing my email address (which is a lot of work) to something about Addison but I don't know if that will be ok once I have other kids. Thoughts? Suggestions?

The Dog Knowledge

Just dropped River off at The Dog Knowledge for obedience training. She was very well received and my hopes are high that she will qualify to be a service dog based on how the employees first observed her! The sadness of her being gone has not hit me yet but I am very excited to know she has a good chance. We will know in about a week if she will make it. 

I kinda want to keep this a happy post but I had a bad night last night. It seems that another suppressed unlived memory has surfaced. I will likely need to write about this in the coming days.

With seeming bipolarity,

Addison's Mommy

It's not enough

I want to see Addison. I want to see how much she should have grown. I want to see her thick black hair. I want to know how much she would have weighed right now. Would she be in a sleep schedule?

These memories I have with her aren't enough. I need more. I had 37 weeks and 3 days to dream about the memories we would have and I only got 4 days that no parent ever imagined possible. It's not enough. There aren't enough happy places to go to in my head. I want to remember her first smile. Her first giggle. The first time she responded to her name. Where are my memories? The ones I dreamed of having.

She is so frozen. She's not growing. Not moving. Not smiling. Not crying. She's just laying there, helpless. She's just laying there, dying. She just laying there, dead. How am I supposed to get through life with just those memories of her? How do I keep breathing when it hurts too much to breathe? Why does my heart keep beating when the pain feels unbearable?I don't know. It just does. And so I just do, survive that is, on just those memories. Even though they aren't enough. 

I'm ready to have her back. But that's not possible. Not in this life. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy

Bored

I'm bored. Bored and sad. Sadly bored. Daddy has something to do today. That's good for him. He likes having projects. What do I have to do... Aside from lay in bed all day. I could clean my house... But I have no motivation. I could go in her room. But that might be debilitating. So for now, i am just lying in bed with River. She is leaving on Wednesday for obedience school. She won't return for about a month... Unless she does get approved to be a service dog... Then it will be longer. 

School is starting soon. I'm not going back. They called the other day to ask why. The stupid woman asked if I would be ready to return in the spring? How do I know? And honestly, if you were a real person, you would no longer care about your stupid pole and would tell me to take all the time I need. 

I will be off work for the next two weeks. Soon Daddy will be starting school after that and I will be alone more. I tried to commit to something which for now hasn't worked out. I tried scheduling hangouts with friends but summer can be so busy with kids. I would be having a busy summer if my kid was here. But she's not. And I'm still in bed, indefinitely. 

I wish there was more stuff on fb to read. Or I could find more games to play on my phone. That's what I do most of the time now. I exist. I know Addison wouldn't have wanted this for me. And I know it pains Daddy to see me this way... I don't plan to be this way forever. 

My purpose in life was ripped from my hands. So now what is my purpose? Is there anything that could ever be greater than being a mother? I guess that's what I lay here thinking about. 

I just want to be a mother for her. 

With gloom,

Addison's Mommy

The Power of Vulnerability.

Why do I write all my deep dark scary feelings on a blog and not in a personal journal? Watch this video to find out.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Birth Announcements

I think I'm going to make a birth announcement. I deserve to, don't i? My baby was born. She was here. She was 7lbs 9oz, 19 inches long and had a head full of hair. She was real. Born at 9:51 am on March 11th, 2014. 

You want to know why I want to do this? It doesn't really come from a good place. And I might hurt some feelings by saying this... But none of my extended family came to her funeral. Nathan's did, and my parents and sisters were there. And I get that my grandparents don't travel easily anymore but COME ON! If I had died, everyone would have come! And in a lot of ways, I have died with Addison. Strangers came to see her. Strangers still even read my blog more than some of my family (thank you btw). It's almost insulting. I'm sick of the excuses. And now I doubt they will ever mention her again to my face. They have no memories to share with me because they didn't come! They could have though.... They could have said how beautiful she was or how perfect the songs were. They could have cried with us. But they didn't come. So here, let me prove that she was worth saying goodbye to. Let me just show you how perfect and real she was. 

Don't pretend she wasn't here. I have a daughter. I expected you to acknowledge her. 

With frustration,

Addison's Mommy

The depth of our pain

There have been 7 new commenters on the blog and I have fallen behind in my picture posting. A lot of the pictures I have shared are just pretty but some have meaning and depth and history. This picture below is one I have debated sharing. It is the only picture we have of us looking at the camera while holding our little girl. To me, we look awful. Absolutely terrible. We were running on minimal sleep. Our hopes and dreams had just been shattered. Our dead baby is in our arms. This is not the family portrait we should have had.

I had no idea what to do when she said to look at the camera. What kind of face are you supposed to make in this sort of situation? How can you adequately express that kind of emotion that is so raw? I don't think I have ever seen a picture or a painting in my life that shows what this picture shows.

 

This picture shows how I feel almost every day. Everyday I have to  hold my beautiful, perfect, dead baby and face the world.

 

With Love,

 

Addison's Mommy



The Not-Life

I have a favorite part of my day every day. It comes right at the beginning. It's calm and sweet. I don't even have to get out of bed in the morning, because every day, around 7:30 am, River wakes up.

I always am way too tired to want to get up at 7:30am but once she is up, I can't go back to sleep. She whimpers a little from her kennel in the family room and Daddy goes to let her out side. As soon as she is finished, she runs full speed and pounces on my head (which I have now learned to keep under a pillow for protection). She snuggles her little face in whatever crevice she can find so that she can lick me. She calms down and is just so, so sweet. She gives kisses and snuggles between me and Daddy. It is such a sweet picture. But I always wonder, what if it wasn't a puppy we had in bed with us... What if it was Addison who woke up crying and needing attention. What if it was just a diaper needing changing and I brought her back to bed to nurse her. What if we gave her raspberries on her belly instead of rubbing River's. What if we kissed her all over instead of River licking us.

What is it like to have a baby? (this is totally rhetorical and I completely don't want anyone telling me more about the life I should be living) What is it like to sleep train or swaddle or snuggle a baby? I don't know. Of course, I thought I had prepared myself for Addison... But really, when another baby comes, I'm not going to know for sure. I won't have gained any knowledge of how to care for a healthy baby with my first child. That is really not fair. I want to know what it would have been like to take care of Addison... To mother her. And I don't.

I want to feel like a mother so badly. This is part of the pain that comes with losing your only child. I will never be able to speak for the pain that a family feels when they lose one of their children (plural). I will never know what it feels like to have to wake up every morning and take care of the other kids. I can't say that my pain is worse than that. But I will say it sucks. Below is an article that was shared with me. I think it can explain it better than I can.

With remembrance of my not-life,

Addison's Mommy

When Your Only Child Dies

July 11, 2014 by RaeAnne Fredrickson

 

Samuel’s pregnancy was our first experience with parenthood. When he died shortly after birth, we became childless parents. It’s been over two years since he died. We are still childless parents. We are people with no place to fit in. Those who have never lost a child don’t understand our pain. Those who have lost a child, but have gone on to have others, or had living children prior to their loss, will never understand our unending emptiness.


There is a unique pain when your only child dies. I will never in this lifetime know what it means to get pregnant, go through a pregnancy, give birth and raise a child without fear, anxiety, and sadness. My innocence is lost forever, because death is the only outcome I know of pregnancy. Our family is ruined just as it’s begun. We are living joyless lives; we are empty and without purpose. What should have been the happiest time in our lives is now the hardest. Where there should be fun and learning and teaching, there is nothing. Our home is quiet. Too quiet. All the time. We are full of the love, but have no one to bestow that love upon. It’s love with no place to land. We have parenting energy, but no one to use it up. We’re restless. We have returned, against our will, to the lives we had chosen to give up. The lives of a couple without children. This time though, we are not carefree. We live with heavy hearts and broken dreams, and the absence of any hope.

We don’t attend events. We don’t go to family gatherings. We stay home a lot.

Because children are everywhere.

Families are everywhere.

And we are a family that’s broken.

We are parents, but you can’t see the living proof. When I go out in the world, no one thinks I’m a mother. Because my child is gone, but my heart beats like any other mother’s.

You just can’t see it.

I can’t talk with other mothers about mothering, although I am a mother. No one wants advice from a mother who is separated from her child. My motherhood is deniable.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m living a lie when I say I’m a mother, even though I know in my heart I still am.

I can’t say what it’s like to be a loss parent with living children. And they can’t say what it’s like to be a parent with no living children. You’re either one, or the other. So there is no point in saying who has it worse. (We all have it worse; our children died). But I can tell you that living as a childless parent is extremely hard. Every single day feels pointless. Every singe day I feel empty. Every single day, I feel like an outcast, a misfit, an oddity. And every single day, I have to make up something to give my life purpose, even though I’m acutely aware of how shallow it is. I have known the joy and fulfillment of being a parent, but it was stolen away from me. And the hole in our lives is massive.
I know we all hurt the same hurt. We all want our lives to be different. We all would do anything to have our children back. But when I’m desperately hurting, when my heart hurts so deeply is could just as soon explode, I have no one to hold. I have no child to snuggle close and breathe in. I have no one to distract me. I have no one to kiss, no boo-boos to mend, no outfits to buy, no toys to clean up. No one is depending on me. I have no one to tell about his or her big brother in heaven. My arms are empty and completely aware of what is missing.

Samuel’s life, my heart, and soul make me a parent, but my arms are always empty.

That’s what it’s like when your only child dies.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/child-dies/

ADDISON BEAR

My mom just donated the remainder of the $350 so that I can get my Molly Bear! Secretly, I have been super stressed about getting this bear because it is going to mean so much to me and I'm so glad I don't have to hope for donations anymore but can just know that my bear will be on its way! Btw, my Molly Bear's name is going to be the Addison Bear, where as the other bear I have shown is Addison's Bear. The Addison Bear represents Addison more than Addison's Bear because it will be her exact weight.

This is called a happy post...

Love,

Addison's Mommy

Enchanted 10k race

So I'm having this dilemma. I heard about this Disney enchanted 10k race in February that I could do with a friend. Registration opened this past week and got filled up within hours. The only way I can get in now is by raising money for a charity involved. Don't get me wrong, I would love to raise money for cancer and autism and all sorts of horrid diseases, but I couldn't even raise enough money to get my Molly bear early (I was able to raise $100 towards my $450 goal). My heart is not in a place where I want to raise money for other charities right now. I just want a chance to go to Disney and race for Addison. We should have gotten to take her there. This is maybe the one way I could walk inside that park without her. 

So anyway, my confidence is broken about my money raising skills and I have been calling and calling to see if anyone will make and exception but I just don't know what to do next. 

Please let me know if you can help me figure this out. 

Love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. I want to run with a big picture of Addison on my shirt and be decked out in all purple...

Frankly

I'm gonna be real frank here for a minute. I don't need any comments on this post other than to say you understand.

Frankly, I am not going to commit suicide. I am not suicidal. So quit asking or inferring. And I know, you were just checking on me. And I didn't mind when just you checked on me. But I do mind when several people are checking on me or implying it daily. And if you continue to be worried about it, bother my amazing husband about it before you potentially send me into a panic attack.

I am going to remind you that this blog is where I write about my deepest darkest places. It is not the full picture. But you won't get to know the full picture unless you can accept me in my deepest darkest place. I don't hang out with or talk to people who don't read my blog (generally speaking).

I have been tempted to publicly share answers to the question "are you getting all the help you need". But I am not ready to suffer the possible judgment or entitlement to knowledge that others may project on to me. That being said, please acknowledge the accomplishments I have made, rather than point out the areas that have not yet been healed. Just this past Sunday, a friend of mine said, "you look absolutely beautiful today". To me that said, "You made it out of bed, you took a shower, you got dressed in uncomfortable clothes, you put make up on, and you made it here. Look at how hard you worked and I see your effort."

To those who continue to "preach" at me. Know that it has been confirmed to me why I was chosen to go through this tragedy. I will share one piece of that... It is so that I could grieve publicly and show that grief can be shared, felt, and heard. I will not claim my grief to be any worse than another's, but I am proud to be a voice for grief.

Lastly, I would like to share a song that I love but completely disagree with. You see, this song advocates for suicide in order for the lost individual to not suffer their own death alone. I know that Addison is not alone, but if I did think she was, I think it would be a beautiful sentiment to walk with her into the dark.

 

If this video does not work, youtube "I'll follow you into the dark" by Death Cap for Cutie

With love and firmness,

Addison's Mommy

I see you

I see you there. You are reading my blog. Your heart aches for me. You wish there was something you could do. Something to make my life a little happier without her. You rejoice when I have a decent day. You pray that my sorrows will be washed away. You see me writing, thinking I can't see you, but I do. You never know what to say, so you don't. You don't want to hurt me any more. You consider taking my suggestions of how you can help, but you think maybe it would come better from someone who knows me more. Sometimes you judge me for my amount of pain. Sometimes you worry if I will always be this way. But you don't ask me those questions. You don't think it will help. 

Did you know that hardly anyone says her name? My baby's name is rarely ever spoken. It's Addison, if by chance you forgot. Would you have said her name if you had gotten to hold her? Or maybe you knew her favorite snack? Would you talk about her if she had a play date with your child? I think so... I think that if you felt like you knew her, you would. 

Here is what I have to say to you for not saying her name. 

Remembering
by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a life time