Maybe Angry

April 30

I think I'm angry. I don't want anyone telling me I am. But I just feel so mad at people. I'm not mad at Addison at all. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at my husband. I just wonder if I'm being hyper sensitive or if people really don't use their brains. And so what if I am hyper sensitive. I should get a free pass. What's the worst is when these people say words that won't leave my head. They continue to hurt me long after the words met my ears. Why must I be an extrovert? Why do I choose to be vulnerable to these people and their words? I guess I'm still in here. In this body that doesn't look, feel, or act like mine.

There must be a purpose for women being concerned about their appearance. I try very hard to love every stretch mark and change my body went to in order to create Addison but now I am finding myself to be embarrassed and hiding the physical evidence of my motherhood. It's so wrong to feel both.

With frustration,

Addison's Mommy

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Debra V. Wade: Not at all. Hugs to you for being strong enough to speak up and to say it as you feel and see it.

People Who Aren't Sensitive

April 29

You know what sucks? A lot of things... But right now what sucks to me is that there are people who are not very sensitive at all. These people are very rare. Most people try very, very hard to be sensitive to what ever I need. They don't push me to do anything that would make me uncomfortable. Sometimes they try to find words that might be able to help me. Many times they just listen and ask open ended questions so that I can share as much or as little as I want. But occasionally I find someone who isn't as sensitive as they should be once they discover who I am or what happened to me. They are being what they think they are supposed to be. A "sales person", a "business man", a "representative". In my opinion, you should forget your title when you talk to me. Talk to me like a real person. Like someone who understands that my baby was born 7 weeks ago and died 3 days later. 7 weeks people. My world revolves around the baby I had 7 weeks ago and when you're around me, please show that you know that. We don't have to talk about it every second but just be sensitive for heaven's sake. Don't expect me to be better or get better EVER. In fact, I could even get worse. This may not be my hardest day, month, or year. Having more children actually might and to me probably will be the hardest. If you see me or talk to me and I'm happy and functioning, good for you, but you don't know if I'm faking it. You don't know how good I really am. I LOOK good but that doesn't mean I AM good. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I am trying more than you know to hold myself together.

With frustration,

Addison's Mommy

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Chelsea Yancey: I am so sorry that you're going through this Emily. I can't imagine how hard this must be. I think about you, Nathan, and Addison a lot, and I am constantly praying for all 3 of you.

Camden Fordham Inman: I'm sorry Emily. Some people are hard to deal with... Unfortunately. I hope that you don't encounter many for your sake. I'm praying for you, Nathan, and your sweet Addison. You are always in the forefront of my thoughts. I am so grateful to be your friend and to be able to read this. I can not understand what you are going through, but with you being so open I will be able to somewhat understand what others that have this lose are going through. Thank you for helping me understand! Love ya girl!

Stephanie Gray Albritton: I don't know if you will find similarities in this post or not, but I have read it several times, and your post made me think of it again. http://theprogressiveparent.org/category/grief/

Emily Beth Rusch: I love all of that Stephanie Gray Albritton. It's nearly exactly what I have been saying.

Who Am I Now?

April 28

Sometimes I wonder if this is me. Me in this tragedy. I don't fit here. I don't belong here. I am not me when I look in the mirror. I am not me when I think about what makes me happy. Or sad. Or how I might go about my day.

Even when I was in high school, I planned to be married by at least 21 and having a baby by at least 22. I never planned to be the girl who's baby died. And I think sometimes that is my new title. Whether I'm talking with someone or they are talking about me. "That's Emily Rusch, the one who's baby died". I don't think it's bad that people define me with that statement. I define myself by that statement most of the time. I am a few other things too but most of them are not as important.

Do you know what a sling shot is? What does it do? How does it work? It operates in two motions. The first is to pull back, and the next is to let go. The harder you pull, the farther an object flies. That's what it's like when I try to feel happy. The more happy I get, the further I get thrown into sadness. There are a few people that this doesn't happen with. So instead of getting thrown too far, I stay in a certain range of emotions to protect myself. Again, it's being careful. Don't tell me that I need to be less careful. Don't tell me I am allowed to feel happy. I know I am. But it hurts too much. I just like for people to understand. To see how I feel without needing to fix or repair my broken heart.

I love my baby, Addison.

Addison's Mommy

Amy Dupras Granger: I love when Nathan says, I am going to spend some time with "my lovely wife." He sees you for who you are on the inside.... Lovely. We are defined not by the things that happen to us but by who we are on the inside. You are a wonderful person, full of faith and love and courage and enthusiasm. Joy is on the way. God is sending it to you because of his mighty love for you, Emily. Addison loves you so much and she is so proud of you. She loves when you smile.....

Love,

Emily's Mom

Sarah Latchaw: I think we all agree it's pretty surreal and especially that this happened to you. We love you.

Amy Dupras Granger: I agree.... Surreal..... There is a spectrum of pain.... From anguish to sorrow... I hope and pray that the anguish will be carried more and more by Jesus as you choose to release it to him. I carried a lot of extra weight after you were born and I did not love exercise so I had to discipline myself to do a very hard 55 minute FIRM workout EVERY day to get my body ready for the babies I wanted to have in the future. I know your babies that are coming will want to feel all the love and joy you had carrying their sister, Addison. So please, my sweet sweet Emily, let Jesus carry the anguish. It does not mean you love Addison any less. It just means you are making room in your heart for less anguish and more hope and love so you will be ready to carry your babies. I love you so much! Huge hugs! Mom

Hold Me

April 28

I sort of wish I had a hammock. I think a hammock would be the best. It would be the best for this rocking need I have. I feel like being cradled. Literally held and rocked back and forth. Unfortunately I am too big for anyone to do that. And no one would be allowed to do that but my husband. But I think if I laid in a hammock, he could swing me and I would feel soothed.

Growing up, I was not held for very long. We, my sisters and I, grew too fast. You may not believe me but I was full height when I was 12. I was a 5'11" pre-teen 12 year old. I also never had a growth spirt. I never had growing pains. I just grew constantly. I don't think my parents ever had to convince me to eat and yet, I was lean.

So I was tall. And because I was heavy due to my height, I stopped getting carried earlier than I preferred. I also was the oldest and saw my sisters being carried. I don't think it stemmed from not wanting to walk but more from wanting to be cradled.

Today I wanted to be cradled. I wanted to be carried out of church as I fell apart. I was too dizzy to walk. I was t0o emotional to stand. But I was also too worried about what others would think if Daddy literally carried me out. Would they have understood?

I wanted to hold Addison for so long. I wanted to cradle her for as long as she wanted. I wanted her to lie her head on me and feel more than safe. I wanted her to crawl into my lap as I read her stories. I wanted to comb her hair as she sat on my knee. I wanted to hold her up when she was sad or hurt. She would have always been my baby to me.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

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Sarah Latchaw: I'm so proud of you for getting out and doing things as hard as it may be that is part if the healing process that is really only complete when you are reunited but Addison would be proud of her momma. I'm sure she was there with you in spirit. She is one special perfect angel and you are one special mom to have a perfect angel that is your daughter.

Brandie Hill: They have really nice light weight ones in the camping section of Wal-Mart

"Exactly the Same"

April 27

I hate the words "the same". I hate them even more when "exactly" precedes them. No one has been through what I have. Not in the same way. No one feels what I feel. Not in the same way.

No one is the same. No experience is the same. Not even close. Especially not exactly. I'm not trying to say no one has suffered. Everyone has suffered and felt pain. Some in very similar ways. The similarity helps us to empathize for one another. Some are capable of more empathy because of their similar experiences. Some wish they could empathize more so that they could help me. But even those with similar experiences are not always what I need. We are different and need different things. All of us.

It makes it hard for others to know what I need. My differences from others.

Today there was a musical number at church. It was the same song as was played as opening at Addison's funeral. I had already been crying earlier and then I started to sob. Then I started to wail while hyperventilating. What did I need in that moment? I hardly even knew myself...

I survived. Otherwise I couldn't be writing this. Some days are like that. Just survive. Actually that was sorta in today's lesson... Enduring to the end. I have the best reason to do just that but I also have the challenge to survive.

Surviving won't always be so hard. Especially as I get closer to the end.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Emily Rusch: Just keep swimming.

Sarah Latchaw: That was a beautiful song at her funeral.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: I was thinking of you through the whole hymn. It will always remind me of your sweet girl. Love you, friend.

Tabitha Owens Welch: You're so brave Emily! I think about you and your sweet baby often and continue to pray for you that Heavenly Father will give you the strength that you need

Amy Dupras Granger: Tears are a language God understands. Liquid prayers..... What words cannot express.

Baby Mine

April 26

This is stuck in my head.

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Krista Mullins: We love this song!

Sarah Marsh Hamilton: This song gets me every time!! We miss you.

Jeannie Childs: Thanks for sharing this!

Emily Rusch: My favorite lullaby.

Nicole LaDeau Ward: Love it!!

Cade Robertson: My mom used to sing this to me

A Mother's Grief

April 26

Today was Friday. Most people do a date night on Friday. We had a date night. I wish we hadn't in some ways though. We went to the movies. The smell of popcorn gives me migraines so we only go to the studio movie grill. We saw "Noah". It was a bad idea. Most of the movie was fine although it was definitely more violent than I expected. But that's not the bad part. The bad part was when Noah was going to kill his grand daughters. Emma Watson tried very hard to portray a mother's grief over her children that she knew would die in her arms. She tried.

I can tell you that the deep sorrow that comes from the depths of your soul is a sound no one can replicate. It's a trembling whale that no one can try to imitate even in expression. No one knows that cry except those who have lost a child. I try to remember the feeling. It felt good. Good to have the passionate out pouring of love, knowing there was nothing else I could do to save her. I hope to never cry that painfully again. But crying makes it real. Sometimes I like to watch people's expressions when I tell them my baby died. Most look shocked. Mothers look horrified. There is a difference. And it's horrific. What happened to Addison is horrid. And what happened to us.

God gave us a full range of emotions as a blessing. The deep ones are hard to reach though. They cannot be replicated. You can only feel them by experience. I would not change my mother's sorrow for anything. Well, anything except getting Addison back. It is a treasure. It is a treasure to cry for her.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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I Planned on a Baby

April 25

My motivation is pretty low lately. I still do the things I have to but I sure drag my feet about it. For example, the mornings. If I don't have anything I have to do, I just lay there. Really what gets me up now is River. Daddy dumps her off to me when he needs to start getting ready in the morning. She is cute for a minute and then she just wants to attack every visible piece of flesh she sees. I end up getting up so I can bring her out to her toys and she can quit chewing on me. She loves going outside. She loves to feel the grass on her belly. Tomorrow we are going to our land lord about getting a fence. I would really love that. Unfortunately, there are some other projects that need to get done before a fence can go up. Btw, my landlord is pregnant with a little girl... Just great.

I'm going to start working out. My friend shared with me a really good deal where she works out with a professional trainer three days a week for a pretty good price. Maybe that will help my mood... I hate exercising by myself. I hate dieting by myself. I used to play basketball in high school and I got accustomed to the group physical training. Daddy wouldn't mind working out with me but we just haven't done it yet. He is also much more capable than I am.

Anyway, I need to get in shape. Not just for my mood but for my wardrobe. I don't want to keep wearing my maternity clothes. I don't want to always wear daddy's clothes. I do want to go on a woman's shopping spree once I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I just wish that there was a button people could push when life is too hard and they should get a free pass to something like loosing weight. You know that amazing metabolism nursing mothers have? I don't have it now. I had planned on that to help me get in shape. I had also planned on having motivation to do anything. Because I planned on having a baby. I planned on having a daughter. I planned to have Addison.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

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Sarah Latchaw: Working out is a great idea! It gets your endorphins going. All very good things. And I'm glad river is a puppy and you will get to see her grow and develop and go from nipping at your flesh to eventually sitting quietly and actually behaving. Big hugs to you today. And btw you need to come for your massage soon.

Jessica Snider: I'll work out with you!! I'm home 3 days a week and I need to work out...the whole breastfeeding thing didn't do anything to help me lose weight. Not one pound! So I'm in the same boat weight wise.

Victoria Romero Clearfield: Exercising is a great idea!! You may want to look into doing yoga too! Sending you hugs!!

Krista Mullins: I'll be so happy to work out with you soon

Rachael Bonitz Sanders: We could start a Walking group...?

Emily Rusch: Endorphins will do you good! Don't rush it though. Your body's been through a trauma.

A Friend

April 25

I stole this off a good friend's page. It's very true.

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Emily Rusch: Love this.

Coming Down

April 24

I'm coming down. Down off the high from seeing my people. I miss Addison. There is no such thing as better.

Mother's Day is coming. What am I going to do? I am a Mother. But I have no baby. Should I sit at home all day? That way I could hide from all the mothers who have their babies. But I don't think that would feel right. That wouldn't make me feel like more of a mother. Should I go to church, the motherland of all the mothers I know? One of two things will happen if I do that. One, I'll get a lot of people making the most of my motherhood and I will cry and it will hurt. Or everyone will be afraid to talk to me in case it would make it worse. In that I think I would feel lonely and forgotten. I could go to a different ward (LDS church building not in my area). But I think that wouldn't feel right either. So what do I do? Those are my options, at least for the first part of the day. I don't know at all for the second part.

Did you know that Addison was #4. She was the 4th of 7 pregnancies at church due between February and May. She was the middle. The first girl. The only "1st child". I may have already said these things but guess what? Those other babies are coming. The one boy left and 2 girls. I love their mothers, but I'm scared. How can I look at them? The benchmarks for Addison. One day these other 6 babies will be in Sunday school together. They will have birthday parties. They will go on missions. They will get married. And my baby won't be here. I wonder when they will see what they are to me. When they will know that they were everything I wanted. Will they hide from me? Thinking it's less painful. Will they care? Will I treat them like I wanted to treat Addison. It will probably be different everyday.

It's not going to get easier. Not until I see her again.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Chelsea Yancey: This will be my 4th Mother's Day to endure. I wish it gets easier but it doesn't. I also wish we could make a childless mothers club on an nice island somewhere. *hugs*

Angie Thompson: Emily I will send you a link. But, NILMDTS is partnering with a company to sell some shirts to honor babies who have gone too soon. I think it would be a great way to honor Addison on this day that I know will be hard for you.

Sarah Latchaw: Celebrate the blessing of having ing birthed a perfect child. You need Nathan Rusch to pamper you and make you breakfast in bed and paint your toenails and tell you how beautiful you are because you are a mother!

Nathan Rusch: I already do that. Lol

Camden Fordham Inman: I don't know what your going through Emily, but I believe you should go to church. If you don't want to be confronted show up right add the first hymn is being sung and then you can leave before the last hymn is finished. Just another thought. Also since you are a mother of an angel baby I believe you should be pampered! Also heading this mother's day tasks in church might help. And you never know maybe who they called to talk will be aware of your situation and help you or in some way with what they say!  thinking and praying for you, Nathan, Addison and River!

Nadya Greene: I've had situations similar in difficulty to yours where at first I didn't know what to do because nothing felt right. Fortunately though, the mornings where decisions finally had to be made, the Spirit helped direct me. Mother's Day is coming up, but please don't stress yourself over it. I think you'll know what feels right once the day draws nearer. That still small voice will help you make a decision that's best for you.

Jessica Jones Marsaw: Your friends and fellow mothers at church want to mourn and remember and celebrate Addison with you. Especially the moms with babies about Addison's age- they understand and relate to you in a very special way. Draw from that, let them experience this with you. And just know that this first year after Addison passed will be the hardest. It is hard now, miserably hard, but I promise that time will help you give place to your pain and find peace. The Lord will bless you, this I know.

Serenity Anderson: I'm sad. I think it will be hard whether you go or not. I know if you go you will be able to take the sacrament. That always helps me feel better when I'm going through trials. But whatever you choose I'll support you, not judge you, and love you for being you. You are open and honest and I always know where you stand. I feel guilty sometimes having Jacob and you not having Addison. I don't want him gone but I don't want you to hurt either. I don't understand all of Gods plans. I don't know what He has in store for all these the other babies. I don't know His plans for Addison while she's working in paradise for us. I don't know what He has in mind for you. I do know He loves us all. I do know He loves you. I hope His love burns brightly as you grieve for Addison on Mother's Day. I hope the Spirit of God fills the tear in your heart and helps it keep beating with the pure brightness of hope you have always displayed. You have the talent of making simple events turn into magical memories. I love you Emily.

Something Big

April 23

I did something really big a couple of days ago. I had not planned on doing it. It just happened to be convenient. Monday morning I had an appointment at my school to discuss financial aid relating to Addison. Daddy had to work and so I went by myself. On my way there, I attempted to call Gwinnett Medical Center to see how things were coming with insurance. It was incredibly frustrating. I kept getting transferred around and put on hold. I was on the phone for 30 minutes and did not get to tell anyone my real issues. I hung up on the elevator music once I got to school. My appointments there went fine. It's best when people expect me to be coming and have been filled in on a little bit of what happened. When they already have the prior knowledge, I don't have to see them attempt to console me. The best thing they can do is tell me how sorry they are and not ignore or avoid talking about it. I like when the timber of their voice is gentle and slow. This actually probably applies to most people.

Anyway, I finished at school and was going to head home but thought, "I am really close to GMC, why don't I just go talk to someone. It would be a lot better than having to explain my situation about insurance over the phone." So I drove over. I parked in front of the women's pavilion. I got out of my car. I walked into that same lobby that I had walked into when I was pregnant with Addison.

Before I go any further, I just want to say that going back was incredibly hard. It should not be taken lightly. I wanted to. I'm glad I did. But please don't make little of the fact that I even was able to walk into that same lobby because that is big.

I walked up to the front desk person and told her what I had come to do. She helped me to remember the woman's name who had helped us before and called her to come to the lobby. I sat down. Not in the same place Daddy and I had sat. There was only 2 other people sitting and thank goodness neither was pregnant.

I didn't know how long I was going to wait but another thought popped into my head, "There are some very special people in this building. People who know exactly what I have been through because they went through it too. I should say hello to them. I should let them see that I made it back. I should show them that I love them and I know how hard they worked to save my angel." I asked the desk girl if she could call back to the NICU and just tell them, "Emily Rusch is here if anyone knows her and would like to see her." Then the representative came up to me, she remembered exactly who I was. The chaplain we knew also came up. I told the Chaplain that I needed to sort out some stuff with insurance and then I would let her know when I was finished.

It didn't take long to talk through the insurance stuff. It was probably the least stressful insurance conversation I have ever had. When we were finished, I called for the chaplain to return and I made the very hard decision to go back to the NICU so that I could see some of the staff who knew me better than most people ever will.

We walked and I remembered the halls. Those same halls are where they brought my entire hospital bed right up to hers. Those same halls are where Daddy walked me and my IV to sit by her side. Those same halls are where I knew I was going to see my baby. And then they are also the same also halls where I had to leave the memories of everything I had ever wanted behind.

We got there. I stopped. I could not go around the corner to where she was. I didn't want to see another baby there. Even worse, I didn't want to see her empty bed. Maybe someday I will go around that corner but not that day.

They started coming. Those people who knew me best. It was so wonderful to see them. I hugged them all. I don't remember any of their names mostly. I apologized for that and reiterated that I had been on so many drugs myself.

We talked about Addison. What had happened. How I was doing. They all remembered me. They all thought and prayed for me often. They felt like family to me. I only wish that more had been there. There were about 6 or 7 but I will need to go back during a night shift to see some others. I love them so much.

I noticed and remembered a wall they have there. It's a picture wall with babies and their beads of courage. I asked if Addison could go on that wall. "Absolutely." She will be there. She will be home. The only home she got to know. And she will be there for other babies to see. To know how courageous she was. I don't know if those other babies on the wall are angel babies. I don't think so. They need an angel up there.

I visited for about an hour. I never had to be careful. I was never worried about what they would say. I can't wait to go back. I wish I could have a giant party for all of my people and all of Addison's people to be a family again. Maybe I'll try to plan something down the road.

Remembering Addison is my favorite thing to do. I love her. I will always remember her. She will always be there. My hope is that other feel the same because it is the greatest joy I have.

Loving my Addison today.

Addison's Mommy

46 likes

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: Oh Emily, that's a HUGE step! I'm proud of you for going there, especially by yourself, and I'm so glad it was such a wonderful experience. The NICU staff there are some of the best people who walk this earth. And I love that Courage Wall. Your sweet angel will be a beautiful addition. Love you, friend. I think of all of you every day and continue to pray for you.

Angie Thompson: What a huge step! So proud of you! Continue to pray for you daily!
Ginger Faulk: Emily that was a huge and courageous step! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I love Addison and hearing about her...she is NOT forgotten! She certainly belongs on that Courage Wall to represent you, Nathan and most of all your sweet angel Addison.

Sarah Latchaw: How wonderful!

Danice Lewis: Emily, I heard you had visited us the other day! You are so courageous and strong!! I'm so sorry I wasn't there to see you and hug you tight! We all still remember Addison...and will never forget her or your sweet family!!

Brandie Hill: That was a delightful read. I am so proud you were able to make those steps towards that door. I can't imagine how hard it was to take those first step, but you did.

Taurus Womble: Dude, you can to my hospital and didn't come see me... smh... just kidding that's awsome you had the courage to go back, great that you were able to reconnect with the staff there. Good for you

Mary Rusch: Thank you for sharing. So happy that you were able to have this experience. Love you and Addison and Nathan.

Krista Mullins: Wow, that is awesome Emily! What a great experience to have had, I'm so happy for you! And crazy impressed, that's huge! I'm glad you were happy and comfortable there, I can imagine those nurses hold a very, very special place in your heart

Joan Vernott: The individuals who you shared such an intimate time with, who took care of Addison, Mommy and Daddy will always be very special to you. It's wonderful that you went back to visit them. They need to know they are loved and appreciated. Those in that part of the medical profession experience some of the greatest joys, and sorrows. They grieve for all those little angels too. I'm sure they remember each and every one of them. Much love to you Emily and Nathan, and precious Angel Addison.

Tina Marie Rusch: Reminds me of the people I used to visit who took care of me after my accident. Those were some very special times with them.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: That was a huge step and you did it alone! I was so happy to see you and hug your neck! I think of you and Addison often. Like I said, I'm always here if you need me! Love and hugs!!!

Melissa Jensen Allen: Emily that's great courage!! I'm happy you did that!! I'm sure that was wonderful for everyone that cared for you and your family! They probably never get to see anyone again ever and they must have wonder how you were!!
Your stronger then you think!!!

I Am a Rubik's Cube

April 21

Let's go back to the rubik's cube thought for a moment. I'm going to assign some colors. There are 6 sides. My sad and horrid feelings are red and yellow. Blue are my thankful and happy feelings. White is my routine and to do list. Green is my social time. And orange is me planning for the future. 4 out of six of these colors are normal. 2 are not. That is a 1:3 ratio of when and I how feel sad. It is in not the majority. But this right here, this blogging thing is where I put all my red and yellow. It may seem like my sadness consumes my life but it doesn't. I still do those other colors. Some more than others on different days.

You do not get a full glimpse of my life through my fb page. You don't know me because of the things I write on my page. I use this page to put my sad feelings into words.

I do not use my page to tell you what I do in my spare time. I do not use it to talk about my relationships with friends or family. I do not hold anyone accountable for choosing to read or not read what I write. If it is too much for you to read, stop. Several people have shared with me that it hurts too much to read what I'm saying. At the same time, many have expressed gratitude for putting words to the emotions that can come with loss like this.

Writing how I feel is a double edged sword. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable to your judgements, your criticisms, your bad advice, and your emotional instability BUT I find great comfort in knowing you at least know how I feel for a moment. A single moment of my day. That's all.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for hearing my pain. Thank you for being worried. I promise I live. I do things. I have a private life. It will also remain private. And thank you for respecting that.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

28 likes

Olivia Margarita Almendares: If only there was a love button... regardless, we don't know each other well but I continue to admire your straightforwardness, honesty and overall strength... all a source for inspiration!

Amy Dupras Granger: i want to tell you a little story about my daughter, Emily. When I had my hip replaced she brought me to the hospital at 4:30 am, brought my favorite movie, Pride & Prejudice, crawled into my hospital bed, and visited all she could. When we got home, she happily jabbed me in the belly with a blood thinner needle and changed my bandage every day. She did not have to tell me how much she loved me .... because she showed it. Her love is deep and nurturing and kind and generous. This gift of her writing is for all of us.

Sarah Latchaw: Thanks I was super worried lately that things are getting way worse and not any better at all. Now that I know that this is the sad stuff that makes me feel better I know what to expect. You have to share it somewhere and I'm glad to be a part of it.

Who I Used to Be

April 21

I feel like I need a vacation from all this grief. Not a literal vacation (although that would help) but just letting someone look after my loss for a little while so I can feel normal again. I want to be me again so badly. I want to laugh without regret and smile without hesitation. I want to go to the store without fear and look at babies without judgement.

I was such a vibrant person... I think so at least. I used to play in the rain with the children and be so passionate about the things that made me happy. This burden of grief is so heavy. It's like I'm bent over due to the weight and all I can see is the ground. I see others around me but only their feet. My own feet are the only things I see most of the time. Each foot takes one step and then another. I have no idea where I'm going because I can't see that far. Sometimes I can see others but usually only because they are also carrying this giant burden called grief. Or maybe some of them have carried grief before and know how to stoop down to see me in a way that I can see them too. But no one can carry my grief for me. I have to grieve. If I let someone else borrow it, it will only feel heavier later. But as I continue to carry it, the hope is that I'll get stronger. Sometimes I will get sore and tired. The grief may even crush me when it's too heavy. Hopefully though, my muscles will get stronger. I will start to walk a little more upright. The grief will never get smaller. I will only get more used to carrying it. Some days I may feel stronger than others. Some days more will be piled onto my already heavy grief such as holidays and other babies. But that's just how it goes.

I saw a scripture in a new light today. This was already my favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon. In 2 Nephi 2:23 it states, "And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery..." Do you see it? Let me help... "And they would have had no children...having no joy, for they knew no misery" Adam and Eve could not have joy nor misery without children. Without them there is no such thing as joy. Those without children are yet to experience true joy nor true misery. Now I might be ruffling some feathers, especially for those who have not been able to have children. I believe the desire for children qualifies as the pursuit of joy and therefor can feel the misery association without literally having them. But those who have not had a desire for children nor who have become a parent do not know joy in it's fullest form.

I hope all are able to reach this state of true joy. Unfortunately and fortunately, the joy does come with misery. Right now, that is all I feel. Joy has become a slingshot into misery. I hope no one else experiences this. I know I will get to joy one day again and I won't always be thrown back into misery. I don't expect it to be anytime soon. But hopefully, just maybe, I might start to find myself again.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Jenny Steinmetz: This is amazing. You amaze me. Your words amaze me. I had nowhere near this kind of understanding of my grief when I lost my first tiny baby, and even after losing three I never did quite have the words or the confidence to share my feelings. I felt ashamed of my grief, like it was wrong to be so devastated over babies who were almost too tiny to see or hold. I hope that no matter what anyone says to you, that you NEVER feel ashamed of your grief or believe that it makes you less of a person. In fact, you are more of a person. You are a mother to a perfect daughter and a parent to a child who died, which is much more than you were before, and much more than most people will ever have to become. Someone once explained to me that grief is like a shadow of the joy a mother would have felt if she had not lost her child...In other words, whatever you experience as you grieve and heal (feeling protective of her, having good days and bad days, forgetting certain milestones, dwelling on certain milestones, etc.) reflects the feelings that would have otherwise brought you joy and wonder, but which now bring you sadness and pain. That helped me to feel that what I was going through was normal, that I wasn't "imagining" my grief as if I could just "get over it," just as if no one would think that a new mother was "imagining" her joy. Grief is real, as real as joy. And yes, it is better to pass through sorrow in order to also be able to experience joy, but I don't think we ever "pass through" as if we can be done with it in one go and then "move on" to the joy...we pass through sorrow our entire lives and we will never be free from it in this life, not until our eternal lives begin. I'm sorry this is so long, but I've been feeling I should share some of these thoughts. Much love to you, Nathan, River, and Addison! You are in my thoughts each day.

Emily Rusch: Beautifully stated. I too am amazed at your ability to vocalize your feelings. I saw a glimmer of your true self last night! Laughing, playing and being silly. That girl will come back again. Love you!

Cheryl Solomon Collins: OK I echo "Amazing"! What an insight! I started to think of the joy I felt having my babies, but I didn't know the other side that you and other friends of mine have had. Which also means that the joy in a babies smile will be infinitely greater for you in the future than even I felt.

My Baby is Not Here for Easter

April 20

It's Easter. I'm supposed to be happy. And I am on at least one rubix cube block. I feel like I am supposed to make some very grateful and joyous post but that's not how I feel. I feel like smashing plates. I feel frustrated and angry that she isn't here. Her first Easter. She isn't wearing a beautiful dress. She won't ever wear a beautiful outfit for this "happy" spring day. I think I will wear her beads today.

I want to try to feel her all around. I want to feel her spirit in the breeze and see her beauty in the flowers. I know she's there but it's so hard to look. To try to make her here when she's not. So many people will be gathered with family and friends today. They will have Easter egg hunts and eat way too much chocolate. They will be too happy, too happy for me atleast. I don't really want to make every one sad for me but I just want a part of people to remember that she's not here.

My baby is not here for Easter.

With sorrow,

Addison's Mommy

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Jessica Snider: Addison is a part of you and a part of Nathan...and as long as you are here she is here. We're still praying for y'all and hoping that this Easter...with celebrations of the resurrection and promises of future and eternal happiness that your family will find comfort...we love y'all!!!

Ashley Tremblay: I remember.

Cheryl Solomon Collins: I remember too! I am also continually praying for you all!

Tina Marie Rusch: I'm sure it brings a whole new meaning to Easter to know that because of Christ, you will be with her again.

Karen Chirinos Bradley: I bawled my first Easter, I remember leaving church early because I was heart broken seeing all the cute girls in their dresses. Our Sunday will come.

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Channy Hansen Fish: Her beauty and sweet spirit are unforgettable. She has a permanent place in my heart from the one time I met you all. I imagine that she will be even more ever-present in the hearts and minds of your family and close friends....always.

Sarah Latchaw: I thought if this yesterday. If I were there I would help you break those plates if it would help you feel better and take away some of the pain of each and every holiday you will have without your angel physically here. I'm here for you if you ever need anything even if it's breaking plates.

Stephanie Gray Albritton: I remember her every day.

Emily Beth Rusch: Jon Allen, this is the other place I mentioned the Rubik's cube

Jon Allen: Emily, You already said that this site represents the sad blocks of the cube. I was hoping to see the postings that represent the happy blocks.

Phyllis Pitts Rowberry: I posted this on Sunday, but I don't see it here now. I don't normally wear pink. I don't think it is my color. However, I wore pink in honor of Addison on Sunday. I thought it was appropriate. I saw a lot of others wearing pink. Maybe because it's their color. Maybe because it was Easter. Or maybe because they were honoring Addison, too.

Six Little Buddies

April 19

I really wanted to be in a better place today. I guess that won't be the case. I wanted to post all about Daddy's and my first real date night since his new job. Now I don't feel like it.

Addison was going to have 6 little buddies. She was going to be #4 in the series of 7 babies born between February and May from church. I was so excited for the 7 of us. All the mothers would get so close during our trips to the mothers' lounge at church. Addison would have had so many little friends. I was the only one among the 7 to be having my first baby. I sought advice during my pregnancy from these other mothers and would have continued to do so for a long time.

What will happen now? I love these other mothers but It hurts to see them getting to be mothers. I guess it's best that it's not their firsts because I don't think I could handle their joys of firsts.

I pretend like their bellies and their babies don't exist. I don't look at the beautiful children they created. That's what Addison might have looked like. She might have had their tiny toes or little teeth. She might have toddled around learning to walk or maybe just crawled everywhere. She might have stolen their toys or played with them at the park. These babies, these other 6 babies are my bench mark of Addison. Unfortunately, that may be all they can ever be to me. One thing I do know is that Addison would have always been taller, just like I had been.

How will I have another baby? I want to and am going to but I can't figure out what to say when that day comes. How will I announce? How will I find out the gender? How will I do a baby shower? I guess I technically don't have to do any of those things. A new baby deserves those things though. He or she deserves a mother's joy. The hard part isn't just the before though. It's the after. How can I do all the things I wanted to do with Addison, with another baby? I can't even look at other babies right now. And yet I will be so afraid that new baby will die. It's not about having enough love. I know I have enough love and that mothers worry about loving all their children. It's about loving Addison but hardly having the opportunity to put use to that love with her.

Addison's Mommy

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Jeannie Childs: Hugs. Might be the right time to make friends with the much much much older people at church  then there is almost no chance of baby bellies etc...

Jeannie Childs: One of my best friends at church is 91 years old!

Karen Chirinos Bradley: I wish there were answers to comfort your heart. Truth is, you just will. You will be excited for your future baby, but a part of you will be terrified. Heavenly Father knows that and will comfort you and give you peace of mind. You will experience all the baby first and some of it will be bitter sweet knowing you were robbed of that with Addison, but it will ok. You will love your baby so much, you will never take a minute for granted. You will tell your friends when you are pregnant and they will be thrilled for you and will pray for you. One day, you will you look at all those benchmark children and smile while lovingly thinking of Addison and know she's right by you. After I lost my little girl, we did welcome home parties for my babies instead of baby showers. That was what I wanted, that is what felt comfortable for me.

Six years after losing my daughter, when ever I hear another baby called Eva. I smile and think of my Eva. This past fall she would have started kindergarten. I remembered. There is something magical with time and faith that makes something so painful into a beautiful memory. It doesn't hurt as much. I like it that way. The first year after losing my baby I was destroyed. I never want to feel that way again. You'll get there too. In your own time. Hugs to you from someone you never meet.

Jessica Jones Marsaw: Speaking from personal experience in mourning the passing of babies (belonging to two dear friends of mine), it's comforting to know that Addison is a very real and present part of your family. She always will be. Your relationship and what you mean to each other will never change, your love for her will never fade. Mercifully, what will fade is the acute pain of being separated. Time teaches us how to live with pain that feels unliveable. And sometimes it takes a long time. Be patient with yourself and your relationships with other moms. The separation you have from Addison is temporary. That knowledge has kept one of my friends going when she feels overwhelmed with sorrow. Separation is temporary. Love, Jessica

Angel Perez Murphy: Thought of you when I read this. Had a friend who lost her first sweet boy. She has 3 more beautiful, perfect boys now.

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Rachel Horlacher: You'll be paranoid, but it will pass, I promise. Personally, we wanted to get pregnant quickly after our 1st loss, but were more cautious after our 2nd loss. Ella's pregnancy was not planned, but we loved it. Paranoid as all get out, but you get through it.

Serenity Anderson: I really don't know what to say except I love you and my heart sorrows for you.

Rainy Days

April 18

I hate rainy days. Addison's funeral was on a rainy day. It was so cliche. I wanted the sun. I needed the sun. Rainy days make me feel sad. Almost every bad day I've had since she passed has been rainy.

I felt like I needed to cry all day. I had no reason beyond the normal heart wrenching pain which I normally can tuck away for appropriate break down times. Rainy days are worse though. All I can really equate it too is morning sickness. All day I would be nauseas and just waiting to throw up just like all day I was just waiting to cry. Well I finally cried. I received 2 beautiful gifts in Addison's memory. I love when others help me to find ways to remember her. I feel so much love through their planning and effort made into finding something. Yes, it always makes me cry but I don't mind crying. I don't like to do it around everyone but I actually like to feel the hole in my heart. It reminds me of how much I loved and still love her. If I didn't cry, I would feel fake. Like she wasn't important or as if life could be the same without her. It's not. Life will never be the same without her.

I love her dearly. I can't wait to hold her again. It won't be a rainy day that day. Never again.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Sarah Latchaw: One day the tears won't come as often but that doesn't mean her memory isn't as real. A mothers love only grows and each day you think about her and look at the pictures of her you will love her more and more and know she loves you. I'm sure she was right there with you today.

Martha Mooney Granger: I wanted to think that it was rainy that day because the angels were crying too...corny I know...but its a comforting thought for me.

Emily Rusch: Aw, Em I loved this. No. It won't be raining when you get to hold your baby again.

Never Alone

April 17

I never feel alone. Not ever. I don't feel lonely. I don't feel like I'm the only one to walk this path. You, person reading this, you are with me. Even if you don't comment or like things, I know you are there. Friends are with me. Close and distant. Friends that Addison has given me the privilege of meeting, angel mommies and daddies. My family is with me. I have never felt so close to many of them. My husband. The man I promised to marry for eternity after only dating for two months. The man who took pride in caring for me in the hospital. The man I had an angel with. He is with me. And because all of you are with me, I know Addison is too. She is here. You keep her here with me by holding her in your heart. Everyone just keep holding on. Don't let her slip away. We can feel her more when we are together. We can put the pieces of her together and she is there. I can always feel her there. You can too if you want. She is there.

I never grow tired of talking about Addy. I love to tell her story. I love to remember what it felt like to have my baby to mother. Ask me. Please, still let me tell you about her. I think you need to know her. And if I have already told you, ask again. It takes quite a bit of energy to tell her whole story, so I don't do it more than once a day. And if I can't tell it to you that day, just telling me you want to know helps. I know you all want to help.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Lynn Butler Harder: Emily, you are so right. Though, I seldom post, I read your blog and think about you and Addison every day.

Joan Vernott: I find myself telling your story of your beautiful Addison several times a week, just tonight even. Those that know will NEVER forget.

Addison's Flowers

April 17

My wonderful friend, Sarah, gave me 4 beautiful plants (2 per pot) called Addison's Leather Flower (clematis addisonii). I just finished painting their pots. These flowers only grow natively in 4 counties in Virginia and are only sold by 1 nursery. I can't wait for them to bloom!! The flowers range from a pink to purple color (you all know what I'm hoping for).
 

 

 

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Valerie Jones Merrell: The butterflies are beautiful! You either used a stencil or have a much steadier hand than I do! We'll be looking forward to pictures of the blooms.

Emily Beth Rusch: Definitely a stencil

Ginger Faulk: Beautiful job on the pots. Can't wait to see the blooms!

Sarah Latchaw: They are beautiful. Sarah Marsh Hamilton good work.

Mary Rusch: The pots look great. The flowers look so delicate.

Emily Rusch: What a pretty little flower!!! And so appropriately named. I love the pots. Butterflies are perfect.

Jelaire Womble: Turned out so good

Amy Dupras Granger: Honey, those pots are adorable! Wonderful job!

Cade Robertson: Those are really cool! I'll have to look into them

Some Things Need to be Said

April 16

There are some things I need to say that are going to come across very mean but I need to say them. I have learned that there are some things that hurt for people to say. I know that no one has intended to hurt me and only wants to help. I also know that I have opened myself up to people's opinions by sharing my deepest emotions so publicly. Please try not to be offended. There have been multiple things said or done and this is not directed at any specific individual. If you have done one of these things, I forgive you. But going forward, I may not be as kind if you hurt my feelings.

Here it is... Do not tell me why you think Addison died whether it be medical or religious. I have a firm understanding of her medical issues and I know why God let this happen. I do not need other people filling my head with doubt on either end.

I trust that Addison's and my doctors did everything they possibly could to save Addison's life. There was no way to predict what happened to her. There was no medical reason for her heart rate to drop. Her cord was not wrapped around her neck nor was it clamped. Her placenta and womb environment were in perfect condition. It was not a result of meconium. She did not have any diseases or malformations. She never needed surgery. Her heart beat perfectly after she was resuscitated and she never needed a machine to assist that function. The cholestasis I had did not cause the rapid deceleration of her heart rate. There was no medical reason for what happened to her. This has been confirmed to me by our doctors. I do not want to hear any opinions that suggest otherwise. Not now or ever. Especially when we decide to have another baby.

I also know and believe in Heavenly Father's plan for Addison. I do not need any assistant in remembering the promises God has given regarding little children. Please do not coach me to believe in God or any other beliefs that I may or may not share. I'm good in this department. All the knowledge in the world doesn't mean that it's still not incredibly painful to live without her.

What I do like to read are things like: thinking of your sweet angel, praying for you, I'm so sorry you are going through this, we love you, we also miss your sweet baby... And things of that nature. You can come up with your own rendition but I hope that helps.

Again, I really don't want to hurt feelings but I think it would be better to speak up than to hurt more than I already do.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

29 likes

Ginger Faulk: Good for you Emily, I think this needed to be said. You know best the kind of support you need. I am thinking of you, Nathan and your sweet Addison.

Jeannie Childs: Thinking of you lots the last few days. Praying for the strength you need to continue to carry on minute to minute, day to day, maybe even second to second.

JeNece Collins Clifford: It's so good that you can let everyone know how you are feeling and what hurts your feelings! You certainly don't need anymore hurt than you are already feeling! Praying for you always!

Tyler Hazelton: People only have the best intentions. We continue to pray for you and your family.

Shauna Baang: Thank you for sharing this. I love you with all my heart and have been at a complete loss as what to say of even do. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, always

Valerie Jones Merrell: We appreciate guidance on what is most helpful for you!

Estella Brianne Killpack: Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Your in my prayers !

Jenny Steinmetz: You are so strong! And so kind to be continually concerned for others' feelings. I'm amazed with how well you can express your thoughts and needs even when the pain must be so overwhelming. I'm thinking and praying for you each day.

Sarah Latchaw: I'm glad we are all in this together. We all think about little angel Addison daily. She has touched all if our lives in different ways and more ways than anyone would have imagined. Thank you for sharing her with us. Thank you for sharing your deepest emotions with us. Thank you for being an example of strength even when you don't feel like it. Thank you for being real and raw and vulnerable. We all love you Emily and look forward to your posts that share where you are at, what you are thinking about, how you are, when you try to go our how that goes, if you need help in any way, your beliefs and values, your love for your husband and daughter and taking us on this journey with you and including us. We are blessed and privileged to know you.

Angel Perez Murphy: I think it's brave to speak up.

Maggie Kennedy Wilson: I'm sorry people have said hurtful things. I'm proud of you for speaking up about that. You guys are loved -- You, Nathan, and Addison. So many people pray for you every day. I know I do. I pray God gives you strength to face the pain and all of the situations in the day ahead. God bless you, sweet girl, just as He has Addison. Don't give up.