Slingshot

I'm kinda scared right now. Daddy has a terrible headache and I keep imagining a knock. Sometimes the refrigerator makes noises, but not every few minutes. It could easily be River. But I'm just paranoid. Ever since we had someone brake into our home at 2 in the morning on meth, I sleep paranoid. I try my very best to fall asleep first. Daddy keeps a gun near by. Maybe I just shouldn't watch new X-Men movies so late...

Today was a weird day emotionally. We completely overhauled our yard. 7:30 am- 6pm we worked to till, rake, remove roots/rocks, fertilize, seed, rake, cover in hay, and water our yard. I hardly thought about Addison. I was too focused to really think about her. I'm still not sure if I think that's a good thing or not. Most people will probably think it's good. 

I did have one thought of her in the midst of it... "There is no way I would be in the yard helping with this if I had a baby.... If Addison were here."

It's not that I wouldn't have been willing, but that's just not what nursing, 2.5 month, waking up all night mothers do. They need naps in the day. They need to stay clean to handle the baby. They need to make sure all the workers (especially Daddy) are taken care of with lunch, drinks, and treats. That's the kind of mommy I wanted to be today. 

Later it happened. The slingshot effect. I have been warned about it and have been very careful to not allow it.... Careful can only get you so far. 

We were getting ready for date night. I was blow drying my hair as Daddy took a shower with River. She had gotten pretty dirty with all the yard work. Daddy was having a hard time holding her still and I was laughing. Then he promised her that she would be the prettiest bell at the ball... I laughed harder. Then I stopped. Dogs don't go to the ball. Men don't care to go to the ball. Girls do. Little girls. Little girls who might be taking a shower with dady at 2.5 months old. I should be waiting to wrap that little girl up in a towel so she can go the ball...

It's not a little girl in the shower with daddy. 

That little girl is not here. 

She is dead. 

Addison died and didn't get to go the ball. 

I broke. 

That was my first real slingshot. I'm glad it was in private. In glad I was at home. 

I miss her. 

Addison's Mommy

Our Long Little Girl

Watching Over You

Safe in Our Arms

We Got You

Migraine Tears

What a relief. Finally my migraine has gone away. I woke up this morning with it. I had a feeling it was going to be a bad one as soon as I woke up, but I thought my prescription would take care of it. At 6am I had my first dose and went back to sleep. It didn't touch it. When I woke up again, it was at least the same intensity it had been before. Another dose. I'm not allowed more than 2. That is unusual for me, for my headaches not to go away. Ever since I have seen a neurologist for my migraines, we have been able to clear up my headaches in about 30 minutes after taking medication. I think there was something different about this one...

Yesterday I cried. A lot. I actually was hyperventilating to the point where my arms were going numb. It was starting to scare me too. I reached out for help.

When I was a kid, I remember three specific incidents of crying this hard and hyperventilating (I never hyperventilated when crying over Addison, that is a heart break cry). The first time, I was in 6th grade honors reading. Our teacher used to write our homework on one side of the board, and our class work on the other. One day though, she wrote our next day's class work on the board. I had gotten confused and wrote it down as homework. I completed it that night. The next day when we started to get ready for class, I realized what I had done. I informed our teacher. She was furious. She ridiculed me in front of the entire class. I don't remember the words she said but I do remember everyone staring at me and her sending me out of class to get my composure in the bathroom after she was done. It hurt for weeks though. My confidence was broken.

The second time it happened was senior year. Being a pretty smart kid, I skipped a few years of math. I was in calculus simply to fill a math slot but I didn't need it to graduate. I was struggling though. I was always gifted at math but I was never in AP. I just skipped the easy levels. I still needed to be taught concepts. So this AP calculus was terrible. There was only one teacher in the entire school who taught it. Anytime I asked a question, she responded with another question. Why couldn't she just tell me the answer? I felt so embarrassed asking questions in class. It was obvious that I was falling behind. Two weeks passed and the first test came up. I was not at all prepared despite the intensive studying I had done. The teacher passed out the exam and I just stared at it. It was jiberish. I didn't know what to do. You can't even hope for the best when it's fill in the blank and not multiple choice. I wrote at the top of the test, "I don't understand". I grabbed my planner and had the teacher sign for me to go to the bathroom as I handed her the exam. Once arriving in the ladies room, I called my mom to come pick me up from school. I didn't give her a choice. I was not going back to that class room. After speaking to her through gasps of sobbing, I went to inform the clinic that my mom was on her way and that I was not going back to class. The nurse was very kind as I told her what happened. She tried to console me but ended up sending me to the counselor's office. I love that counselor. She and I knew each other a bit outside of school as well and she understood my tender heart. As my mom drove to the school, we worked to find another class I could take instead of calculus. I guess at some point, someone informed my teacher that I was not just in the bathroom. She came into the counselor's office at the end of the period and said she was so sorry I was struggling. She reassured me that we could work together to make sure I passed. I could go in before and after school.... But I didn't want to devote my life to calculus. I didn't even need it for the college degree I wanted. So I never went back to that class.

The next time it happened, I was later in the semester. I can't remember the name of the class, but it was one of those student aid types where you could drive to an elementary school and shadow a teacher. Because I was a junior, I had not received the full information about parking lot rules (we had a small parking lot, only enough spaces for seniors). It was always a challenge to return from the elementary school and find a space since it was the first class in the morning and the late students would take your spot (no assigned parking). So one day, I saw a space very close to the school. In fact, it was the very first one. It wasn't marked for the principal or anyone in particular, so I parked and returned to class. Next period, I was in social studies. We were doing busy work when there was a nock on the door. Our teacher nodded as the school police officer came in. He asked very sternly if "Emily Granger" was in class. He told me to bring my keys as I raised my hand. Everyone looked at me. I was a good kid, a smart kid. Never got in trouble, never broke the rules. What could I have done to make the police officer so mad and for him to know it was me? I left class and followed him down the hall. He lectured me as I fought to keep up with his fast pace, but I couldn't figure out what I had done. We stepped out of the school and he pointed to my car, "Is that your vehicle?" "Yes, Sir" I responded. "That's my spot." He demanded. "Move your car now."

He explained to me that the yellow parking lines were for faculty and the white were for students. I had no idea. I fought back tears and he finished by informing me that he left a ticket on my windshield. I lost it when I got in the car. I made sure he had gone back inside before I attempted to return to class but I couldn't make it down the hall. I stepped in the girls' bathroom to try to gain composure. When I got to class, they were still doing busy work. My face was still completely read and the teacher mouthed to me, "Are you O.K.?" I broke again. I had tried so hard to be able to walk in that classroom. I mouthed back, "Can I go to the bathroom?" She nodded. I never went back. She found me there next period and said she would talk to the police officer and said how terrible it was that he yelled at me for something so accidental. I think she also might have taken care of the ticket. I only had one class left, theater. I hid in the costume closet after attendance was taken. I heard people asking where I was, but the teacher didn't notice me missing.

So what's the point of all this? How does it have to do with Addison? That is who this site is about after all. Well that's how my breakdown started yesterday. A situation where I might have done something wrong. I felt so, so sorry. It got resolved, thank goodness. I cried again later that night though about missing Addison. I think my headache was a response to my tears. Normally my medication works. But this wasn't a hormone related migraine. This was an emotional trauma induced migraine.

Sometimes even I forget how fragile I am now. How much I still miss her. I know in my head that she is right here with me. But I hate that I had to lose her, and none of my senses get to know that she is here.  I can't feel her soft hair. I can't smell her baby skin. I can't taste those tiny toes. I can't see her squirm. I can't hear her giggle. I just have to try to feel her spirit. And sometimes that helps a lot. But a lot of the time, that's not enough. I wanted a whole life time with her.

Anyway, I miss her. I'm glad the migraine is gone. I hope to keep it at bay long enough to get through this rain storm.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

Look at River

So today I sorta had a meltdown. I'm better now but I don't really want to talk about it. Instead I'll try to cheer myself up (and maybe some of y'all) by posting more pictures of River :). 

That's her new collar (that barely fits yet). I had to let River chew my finger for a second so I could get a good picture of it (normally that's a big no-no). Addison helped pick the collar out. :)

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Molly Bears Donations

So a couple weeks ago, I shared about the miracle of Addison's medical bills getting paid. Since those have been covered, I want to suggest a charity that helps parents of angel babies around the world. It's called Molly Bears. You might remember me talking about "Addison's Bear".

For quick reference, Addison's Bear was given to me by GMC because they believe that no mother should leave the hospital with empty arms. That bear went everywhere with me for a long time. Addison's Bear is not a Molly Bear though.

Molly (an angel baby) was born at 34 weeks many years ago. Her mother has devoted her life to creating bears in her memory for other angel parents. These bears are hand made for each family AND (the really cool part) they weigh exactly the same as the baby that the family lost. Here is more information about Molly and how Molly Bears was started. http://www.mollybears.com/our-story/molly-bears-story

I have ordered a Molly Bear which won't come to me until around June 2015 because they have so many orders (think of all those angel babies). I can't wait to get my 7lb 9oz bear for Addison. This bear I hope to include in yearly family pictures and bring whenever Addison's siblings come into the world.

It costs about $45 to make a bear. Any bear order costs $20 but otherwise they run 100% off donations. Here is a link to the bear breakdown. http://www.mollybears.com/community/bear-sign-up

I have created a rally page with Molly Bears for people to donate if they would like. A donation can be as small at $5. If $450.00 can be raised on Addison's behalf, my bear will be moved to the top of the list and I can receive it in about a month.

I'm not trying to ask for money to get Addison's Molly Bear faster. I actually went to get the link for the sight when making this post and realized then about the rally site. I just want to show everyone the best charity I found for my situation and something that helps to heal the hearts of so many families who have experience the loss of an infant.

Donations are completely anonymous, but (if you are comfortable) I would love to thank you personally if you have chosen to donate to this fund. You don't have to tell me how much. I just want to say thank you.

Here is a link to the my rally page followed by a video about Molly Bears. I will also be adding the rally page to this site for easy access.

https://rally.org/mollybears/g1uwRYwjmm1/emilybethrusch

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

A Beautiful Vacation

We're back... In case you didn't know, we were gone. My wonderful boss sent us to a beautiful vacation at my cousin's beach house in Islamorada, Florida (one of the keys). Both of us are burnt, but I don't hurt as bad as I look. I didn't tell many people we were going because I didn't want the pressure of having "a good time". But we did. We had a great time.

I'm having a hard time finding what to write about. There is so much I could say about our trip. I could give the whole itinerary. I could say how it made me feel. I could say all the other things that have been in my head... which is what I normally say. Maybe this will be a long post.

I don't think I want to give our itinerary, that sorta seems like bragging to me. I felt good. I missed Addison. I wish we could have shown her that beautiful place. Daddy reminded me that she was there. It is different to know she is there and feel that she is there. Most of the trip I didn't feel like she was there. Actually, it wasn't till the last day that I felt her. There was a dolphin in the bay, not very far from the house at all. That is super rare and not even my cousin has seen a dolphin yet. Daddy got pictures which I will have to add later. But that was it, that was Addison. She brought us a dolphin to top off our trip. It was a lovely gift from her and I knew she was behind it.

I think there were only 3 things that could have gone differently about the trip (which is pretty good). One thing was that we went out to a wonderful restaurant but didn't expect a few incidents there. First, there was a baby there. That was it. The baby was just there. It was enough to put me a little on edge. I wondered if the baby would cry, if it needed a diaper change, if it was sleeping, if people were going to coo ever it loud enough so I could hear... Then there was also a little girl. This girl reminded me a little of Addison, but not a lot. She was maybe 8. Mid way through their dinner, she spilled her water all over herself. She started to cry. I felt very sorry for her. Her table of family tried very hard to be kind and reassuring by saying, "It's just a little water honey." Her mom helped her to the bathroom. A little bit later, the mom came back, nearly dragging the daughter to the table. The girl kept crying, "Take me home, I'm soaking wet." The mom would say, "I'm going to finish my dinner." The girl kept tugging on the mom's arm while she was trying to eat, repeating the same thing over and over. She was making quite a scene in this small restaurant. Eventually, the mom took the girl outside. I don't know if they ever went back in because we left shortly after.

I'm not sure why this upset me so much. Did I want the mom to give in to the daughter? Did I want the daughter to be kinder to the mother? I don't think either had unreasonable goals. Later, I discussed it with Daddy. I told him how I almost started to cry and how badly I wanted to tell them about Addison. I couldn't see how Addison could help though. I wasn't looking for them to console me. I maybe just wanted their mother-daughter relationship mended for this little moment in time. We decided we would do our best to keep a spare pair of clothes for our children in the car, but we found no real solution for this family.

Later that night, we watched a movie. I don't remember the title but it was all about new year's in New York and all these different stories happening at once. Well of course, one story was about a pregnant lady. I guess the first baby born in the New Year in New York gets a large amount of money. So these two women were "fighting" over who was going to have their baby first. They kept trying to induce labor and their husbands were being very competitive. No one cared about the safe arrival of their babies. It was only time that mattered. They both did go into labor and one couple, unselfishly changed the time of their baby's arrival so the other couple could have the money. I cried. The poor wives finally let go of the competition once real labor came, but it took a while for the husbands. It was just so stupid.

The other thing that was on my mind during the trip was something someone said right before we left. I thought I was going to be in the clear, but then it happened.

I don't think people like to put themselves in these shoes. These "my first child died at 3 days old because we took her off life support because she lost brain activity because her heart rate dropped for no reason" shoes. Even more, I don't think people can bear to imagine holding that baby as she died. And the worst, I don't think people can imagine holding their dead baby. Feeling the warmth leave from their body. Watching the color drain from their face. Feeling their arms and legs become stiff. Can you see it? Can you feel it? It is real. It happens to families, not just mine. It happened to us.

I was recently given a list of misconceptions about grief over a baby. I would like to share some of them.

• All losses are the same.
• I have already discussed this in my post http://addisonriver.blogspot.com/2014/05/exactly-same.html
• All bereaved parents grieve the same way
• I think I have touched on the fact that Daddy and I grieve differently, but I also have discussed with many other angel mommies the way they grieved and we are vastly different. Some can go in their baby's rooms. Some can't talk about it at all. Some go make a million living memories. Some never leave their bedroom for a long, long time. We are all different.
• When grief is resolved, it never comes up again
• I have already said there is no such thing as better. When people say I will get "better", it's like they think I have a cold. There is no such thing as better. I may look more normal, but you have no idea how I feel and just because people read this blog, doesn't mean they know me.
• Infant death shouldn't be too difficult to resolve because you didn't know the child that well
• No one has said this to me. Most people aren't this dumb.
• Children need to be protected from grief and loss.
• Loss is real and you are kidding yourself if you are trying to make the world seem perfect to your children. I have not encountered many insensitive children but I will say that children need to be coached on how to communicate with someone about their loss. Sometimes children don't understand how painful it can be to grieve and then say things or ask questions that hurt more than help. One example is the endless "Why?".
• Couples who experience the death of a child have a higher incidence of divorce
• First, I think my marriage has become a lot stronger because of this. And second, it is NONE of your business about my marriage. You don't get to "check in" on my marriage any more than I get to "check in" on yours. So before you ask about my marriage or life, volunteer your own information because the loss of Addison did not give you the right to judge my life.
• It is not important for you to have social support in your grief
• I think this one is obvious for me. I write. I write for my future children but also so I don't feel alone in my feelings. I need social support a lot.
• It takes two months to get over grief
• This makes me want to hit people
• Children grieve like adults
• You readers might know this better than I do since Addison is our only child
• Parents only feel crazy if they are going crazy
• I don't like people suggesting for me to "get help". You go get help. If what I am saying makes you uncomfortable, go figure out why. Don't tell me I shouldn't be saying it. The only person who has that right is Daddy because he is the only person who walked with me through this. Even still, Daddy and I had very different perspectives and so we didn't and don't feel the same things all the time. Anyway, it is not your job to diagnose me. Find a better hobby.
• The intensity and length of your grief are testimony to your love for the deceased
• I struggle with this one personally. I'm afraid to let her go because that feels like moving on. Again, don't diagnose me.
• Bereaved parents do not have a relationship with the deceased baby after the death
• I don't really know how to explain this and often I don't share about this. This relationship is sacred and I don't expect anyone to understand. I also don't like people making a relationship there when there might not be one. I know when Addison is around. It isn't all the time. She has things to do. People to help. She has a mind and a spirit that cannot be spoken for. She has a personality. Likes and dislikes. She is not a made up person that fits my ideology of her. I look forward to watching our relationship grow as I get to know her better.

I think the last thing I would like to say is that if you have an opinion or thought for me, consider if it will help me. People say, "love is honest." But honestly, if I am not ready for your words, keep them to yourself. Don't push me to go through this any faster than I want to or can. And I have a hyper sensitivity to words across an email. If you can't say it to my face, or over the phone, don't say it at all. Words are easily misconstrued in writing so whether you meant something different or I took it the wrong way, the first mistake was sending it in an email. I write to make me feel better. I don't need others writing to make me feel better too.

Sorry if this wonderful post went south. Daddy and I really did have an amazing trip and if you would like to hear about it, I would be happy to tell you on a more one-on-one level.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

Addison's Home

It's been a weird week. My schedule is about to change with the summer coming. I don't think I'm ready for "summer". Not because of my schedule or the heat but because I still want it to be spring. Addison was born in spring. I don't want to watch the seasons change without her. Right now it is beautiful outside. The pollen is gone and there is always a gentle breeze. You might feel cool in the shade but the sun feels so wonderful and warm if you just let it kiss your face.

I love living in Georgia. I love the variety and unpredictability. I love the mountains, the lakes, the ocean and the history. I love how every significant road changes names at least twice.

There was so much for Addison to learn in Georgia. I don't think I can ever leave, except to go on vacation. But really, Georgia is my home and it is especially Addison's Home.

Some of you might wonder if it's Addison's Home because of a burial ground. No, we didn't bury Addison. We had her cremated. I didn't want to see her tiny casket go into the ground all by itself. And what if we moved? What if they built a giant ugly building right next to her? Addison deserves better than that.

So she is home with us, Mommy and Daddy. I specially ordered a tiny white urn for her. It's about 4"x4". I'll post a picture once it is finished being hand painted with purple daisies. It will go in her special case that Daddy is going to build one day (hopefully this summer). I designed it already. I think I might have one for each of the children. A showcase for their baby things. Their lives are so significant. I want them to know how cherished their birth is.

Right now, Addison's things are in her treasure chest. I was given Addison's treasure chest a week or two after her life. It's a beautiful, light purple chest about 3 feet wide and 2 feet tall. It has all her special things in it. Her blanket from Mommy, her blessing blanket, her hand and feet molds, her beads, the outfit we dressed her in, the blanket from her hospital bed, a tiny "I am a Child of God" music grinder that I got, and all the beautiful cards and things people wrote to us. There are more things in there too. More treasures. Some treasures are still in her room, just where I had placed them when I made her nursery. They are too special to move. They are where they belong.

I have to get her room finished soon. It is starting to feel incomplete inside me. After the weekend I will try to start, if I'm still ready or wanting to.

This weekend is going to be good. I won't be making any posts for a little while. I'll be sure to write a lot afterwards though.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

I didn't do anything wrong

I guess I'm getting used to it. The fact that she is not here. That doesn't mean I'm ok with it at all. I might never be ok with that. But I wake up and know that she's not here. I remember that my baby died and this is my real life.

I think other people have felt this way. People maybe going through a divorce or who lost their jobs. It's easy to ask, how did I get here. Was it something I said or did. Well if you lost your job or got a divorce, it might be. Or maybe it's what you didn't say or do. Or maybe it is what they didn't say or do. Regardless, you might be able to track it back to a moment when it didn't feel right. It was more than just a mistake. It was life altering. 

I am thankful to not have that feeling. I didn't say anything or do anything wrong to lose my baby. I didn't waist any time away from her. I'm not trying to compare myself to others who lose their children. I just am glad to not regret what happened  when Addison lost her life. 

I am so thankful she picked me to be her mommy. I would do it all again. 

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Over and over

I made a post this morning and it never got officially posted which makes me mad. I can remember some of what I was writing but I won't be able to say it as well or I might feel differently right now as opposed to this morning. I have heard from several people that their comments aren't going through either. Please let me know if you are having this problem and double check that your comment really did get posted. 

I got my legs waxed this morning. It hurt. What's the worst is that after they pull off the first strip, you know there is going to be another. It's going to be just as painful as the last one. There is no way to sugar coat it.  Maybe try distracting yourself. Maybe be as calm as you can. Maybe scream and let it all out. 

Yup, that's right. I found a way to compare getting my legs waxed with how it feels to lose Addison. 

It never stops hurting. It never hurts any less. And I know it isn't over. I will continue to hurt for years and years. 

I don't know what else to say about that... So here's an update on Addison's Flowers...

With love,

Addison's Mommy

Tired of Holding Me Up

My back has been hurting. I didn't pull it or strain it. It just aches. My joints are just tired of holding me up. Perhaps if I were to sit up straight, they wouldn't hurt. But why would I do that? Who would want to ever sit up straight again after losing their daughter? I don't want to appear composed and confident when I don't feel that way. I set my appearance to reflect the way I am feeling... Well, except for church... And when I run out of clean laundry.

Did you know I used to be a model? Want some proof? Here ya go...

 

Now, I know I didn't really have to prove it. But what do I see in those pictures? In most of them, I have shoulders back, a confident expression, and bright red hair.

 

Red Hair... I used to be called ginger snap. I loved it. I was bright and loud. Daddy Never got to see me as a red head. He would like to... But I don't think I have that type of confidence anymore. I don't have the pizazz. I don't have the energy.

 

I don't want to be that girl that I was. I certainly never will be, so that's good. But I would like just a hint back.

 

A Hint so my back won't hurt.

 

With Love,

 

Addison's Mommy

Never Be Forgotten

Funky Toe... Daddy's Toe... But Really Mommy's Toe

Snuggle Me

Pretty Little Hair-Line

She Deserved the Best

I'll Miss You

Eternal Family

Addison and Her Bear

Hold Eachother Up

Button Nose

Tiny Toes

What is a Window?

What is a window? Essentially, it's a piece of glass. By itself, it can be found in a hardware store. Most people use them in a house, in a car, at work, or at a store. They help to see things on the other side of a wall. Things you couldn't see before a window was there.

They can be shattered, easily broken with a little bit of force. When shattered, they are usually left with sharp jagged edges that are capable of causing a lot of pain. 

Some windows are made for only looking out. Some for only looking in. Some come with shutters for shutting. Some come with blinds for closing. Some come with pretty little flower boxes. Some come with screens. Some come with locks and bolts. 

At my house, I love to open my windows. I love to hear the birds. But I don't love the bugs, so I have a screen. I don't like burglers so I have a lock. I don't have a window box but I wish I did to make the house look prettier. I do have blinds so I can choose when I want to look out and who i want to look in. 

If you haven't gotten the point yet, my life is like a window. I want to look out but I don't always want everyone looking in. I want to hear about life's joys but I don't want nastiness coming in. I want a pretty box to hide behind sometimes but there isn't one. So instead, a lot of the time, I leave my window wide open. I feel so much more of everything this way. Joy, pain, exposure... I don't want to shut my window. It's how I feel her. It's how I let her in. 

I want to always let her in. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. Here's a video of River enjoying an open window for the first time. 

Sleeping in Her Blanky

Long Fingers

My Butterfly Baby

Little Hand, Little Bear



She Died in My Arms

Did you know that she died in my arms? I held my baby girl as she took her last breath. What a beautifully terrible experience. You will likely never have someone die in your arms. Not literally anyway. If you do get that opportunity, I hope you cherish it. I hope you can say all the last things that need to be said. I hope you can feel the comfort you are sharing. I hope you can know it was better to hold them than for them to die alone. 

I held her. I sang to her through a barely audible voice. I shared her with the father that did everything he could on this earth to protect her, but yet could not save her. I kissed her. I held her hand. I swaddled her in the blanket I had carefully made for her. 

Can you imagine holding your dying child? Can you put yourself in my shoes? How could anyone want anything else? How could anyone want life to go on? 

Have you heard of PTSD? If not, look it up. I have it though. I frequently relive the death of my baby. Not just the moment I held her as she became an angel but even the moment they ran my bed into the OR. It plays over and over in my head. And I don't want it to stop. Some times I will get stuck in a memory. I can't hear anything. I don't really see anything. I just see her. I just hear the news. I just watch my life fall apart and try to remember to pick up the pieces. I have been through multiple traumatic experiences. Try to put yourself in my shoes. Would you ever be ok? What about just 2 months after? 

I'm glad I got to hold my baby as she died. I held Addison as she died. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy

We Didn't Give Up

I have some news. It's big news. Some might think I should not share this publicly. Some might think it's bragging. Most already think I'm crazy... But I don't care.

Here's the build up...

So before Daddy and I became pregnant with Addison, we wanted to be sure she would have medical coverage. It was important. I am still able to be covered under my mom's insurance plan, but Daddy is not because of his age (that old man has another birthday coming up too :P). So Daddy has his own personal insurance which covers basic medical needs. As a young family, we couldn't afford all the bells and whistles of a better insurance plan. But Daddy is a pretty healthy guy and we figured we would be ok. We also understood that the law in Georgia requires a newborn to be covered under the mother for 30 days after delivery. I have pretty outstanding insurance through my mom and we thought this would be great for any needs Addison would have after birth. Just to be sure, we called the benefits supervisors to ensure that Addison would have coverage with my plan for those 30 days.

So here we are, tra-la-la, going to have a baby. Pregnancy had been going perfectly normal... well until... you know...

Then Addison was born. Major complications. All of a sudden, my plan DOESN'T want to cover her. And here we are, praying for our daughter's life AND trying to figure out insurance issues. Perhaps I shouldn't say we, because my saint of a husband was the one dealing with them, taking care of me, and trying to stay sane (as we all were).

Now I will take a moment and say GMC was amazing at being patient and delicate with us. They were never pushy or rude. Many of them even follow this blog ;).

So just to get something done, we put Addison on Daddy's plan. $2,000 a day. And that was not going to cut it. We had no idea what we would do. For the time though, we had to stay focused on Addison. The money didn't matter. It never mattered. I'd rather live on the streets than not have those few days with my baby.

So the hardest weekend of our life passed. We went home and faced this gigantic bill along with the tremendous grief of losing Addison. We were starting to prepare to become the charity case of the community. But Daddy didn't back down. He contacted one of his professors who had worked with legal information regarding medical coverage. They found a law and sent it to my medical plan. Btw, those people were not nice at all. It was whatever they could do to NOT cover Addison.

So we got my Mom's company involved, and they agreed, Addison should have coverage. For several weeks they fought back and forth with the insurance. My Mom's company even said that if the insurance wouldn't cover, they would because that was the intent of their benefits plan.

We had to let go. We had to put it in someone else's hands. We were never scared of being poor. We knew people and the hospital would help us. Still, each week I would check on the progress.

On May 9th we received a bill from the hospital. It was for the full cost of Addison's treatment. I was scared that it hadn't worked. The insurance was not going to pay. I decided to look online to see if there was a payment plan that could be set up. This is what I saw when I got to the account details...

If you can't read that, it shows that Addison's total charges were $81,591.92. I believe this was after Daddy's insurance paid a little because it was originally just under $85,000. You are also able to see the cost of my medical treatment which wasn't cheap either at $22,310.

All has been paid. 100% (accept for my tiny little co-pay of $300 which we were expecting anyway). It has been a miracle.

Daddy didn't give up. Mommy didn't give up. Addison didn't give up.

We are so thankful for this miracle. Thank you also to those who thought to pray for our finances as well as this trauma.

Thank you,

Addison's Mommy

Transfers

May 14

Today is transfers. A day I have dreaded for a long time. Many of you don't know what this means...

For 3 months we have had two young men living on the other half of our duplex. These young men are missionaries for our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Their purpose is to teach the word of God and serve. They leave their home for 2 years to devote their lives as missionaries. They live on a budget, ride bikes for transportation, keep a very rigid schedule, and are only allowed to write to their families aside from Mother's Day and Christmas where they can skype for 40 minutes.

Elder Eames and Elder Price were the first ones to live next to us. Normally one or both gets transferred every 6 weeks but they both stayed since they opened a new area. They knew me in my last month of pregnancy with Addison. They would help bring in my groceries or take out the garbage. They would stop by every evening to check on us and see what we needed. Then, one day, we were gone. We had gone to have the baby we were all so excited about. They thought it would just be a couple days. The poor things saw us every day. We were happy and healthy. Then all of a sudden they found out it went wrong. Addison was sick. Then Addison died. They cried for us. They cried with us. They wanted to help so bad.

When Nathan had to go back to work, they would sit with me on the porch so i didn't have to be alone. Some days I was angry. Some days I could hardly talk. Some days they couldn't fit a word. They were so reliable. So patient. They still are.

So today, Elder Eames got transferred to a new area. He is a great missionary. He and Elder Price have had front row seats to one of the worst tragedies anyone can experience in this life. I will see them again but that doesn't mean it's not hard to say good bye. In a lot of ways, they have been a landmark for me. They are connected to my daughter's memories. I will forever remember them and the great kindness they have shown me. Ta-ta for now Elder Eames.

Btw, Addison has been an angel for 2 months today. The weather also predicts a storm all night long... Here we go again...

With cautious anticipation,

Addison's Mommy

23 likes

Chris Rusch: I don't know if I told you this, but I lived with members for about half of my mission. I so preferred it to the other way of doing things. I know we helped the people we lived with, but I don't know if the members I lived with know how much they did for me. I am so glad you and Nathan live right next door to the missionaries and they probably appreciate it too.

Ginger Faulk: I'm really glad they were there for you. I'll miss Elder Eames...he was a cutie and a sweetheart too!

Like a Magnet

May 13

Sometimes I feel like a magnet. Not just your everyday refrigerator magnet but the kind that is used to build massive steal buildings on the end of an enormous crane. Sometimes I dangle in the wind. Not knowing what I will draw close to. Sometimes I am seeking out something or someone specific. And sometimes it is all I can do to get away from a trigger. Usually I don't know what will be a trigger before it happens. But there is one thing, it could be one little word, that might send me running. Maybe even literally.

What do you think it is? What could be the one guaranteed trigger? It's an action, not a person or thing. It's not a baby. Of course, it has to do with a baby... I guess I'll tell you. It's when people fawn over babies while I'm around. I can't handle it. I don't care if you are 10 feet away and doing it. If I can hear it, I will get as far as possible as fast as possible. Do you know what it does to me inside? That cooing, baby talk hurts so bad. No one did that with my baby. No one saw her yawn. No one saw her crinkle her nose. No one heard her whimper for her momma or cry to be fed. Not even me. Besides a few select people, no one even met her until she was laying in her white casket. No one saw her grow. No one saw her eyes open. My parents didn't even get to see me hold my baby. And I didn't get to let them hold her.

No one cooed and fawned over my baby until she was in her casket. So please, if there is a baby in my general vicinity, please be aware that I am there. I can't handle it. I wish I could.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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How I Celebrated Mother's Day

May 12

I have heard from some mothers, that Mother's Day can feel very strange. It's like celebrating a daily routine. Such as going to work or mowing the lawn. I kinda feel like that right now. We celebrated my motherhood yesterday. And that is very different for someone who only has an angel child. It was like we were celebrating my efforts to remember Addison. Or adding to them. Like a Memorial Day for Addison. That's exactly what I wanted it to be, but it's also strange because I do that everyday. I try my best to remember her every day, hour, and moment.

I think some people thought it was strange that I was maybe making Mother's Day more about Addison than any of the other mothers or children. They would take the packet of seeds from me, sorta say thanks, and start looking for a seat. They didn't even realize how much effort I had put into surviving Mother's Day.

If you haven't opened up your seeds yet, this is going to be a spoiler. On the backside of the planting instructions you will see the true history of Mother's Day. In short, Mother's Day was really founded for a mother who had lost 7 children. Today's Mother's Day hardly resembles this at all. In fact, it glorifies the things that mothers do out of charity and removes the holiness of that loving task with forced consumerism. Don't get me wrong, mothers should get a break. But not just once a year. Mothers should be appreciated. But not just once a year. Mothers should be doted upon. But not just once a year. So excuse me if I claim Mother's Day for myself, but it WAS for me. It was for me and all the mothers who never wanted a break. We didn't need to be appreciated. We didn't need to be doted upon. We just wanted to pour out our love into that precious child that can no longer run into our arms, or cry for us to console them, or smile and melt our hearts.

If I ever get asked to give a Mother's Day talk, it will be about the bereaved mother. Not the "perfect" or "imperfect" mother.

I guess I hope you all had a good Mother's Day. I survived mine. I might have even survived with a smile.

Addison's Mommy

24 Likes

Nadya Greene I read about the origins of Mother's Day recently and it saddened me that today we've forgotten why the holiday was established and rather focus on what we should buy to adequately celebrate it. I think you should definitely give a talk about bereaved mothers. I'm sure, in addition to there being no dry eyes in the congregation, it'll be very difficult to not feel the Spirit.

Debra V. Wade Hugs sweet mama of such a beautiful angel, hugs...and yes a group of us did just that, survived Mother's Day. We love you, your remarkable!!!

Valerie Jones Merrell I came in on Sarah's side of the building, and it wasn't until I sat down that I had a chance to look at the packet and see what it was. We are excited to plant ours and take pictures!

Marcy Howard I loved the forget me nots. I plan to plan on planting some each year on her birthday because honestly I don't have a green thumb so I am not sure how long I can keep them pretty.  It will be a beautiful celebration on her life and I thank you for them.

Olivia Margarita Almendares I loved your sweet gift and want you to know you and Addison have made an eternal impression on my heart and soul

For Mother's Day

May 11

 

Today for Mother's Day, I handed out hand-made forget me-not seed packets at church. If you would like one (I have many left over), please come get one or send me your address in a private message. There is also a special note and planting instructions inside the packet. I hope that as your flowers grow, you will remember my sweet girl. I would also very much love to see pictures of you and maybe your family planting these seeds. I would love to see pictures as they grow and especially on days that should not be forgotten (like her birthday). Btw, today is her 2 month birthday.

Again, please let me know if you would like a packet.

With love,

Addison's Mommy
 
27 Likes
 

Brandie Hill I would love one. Was unable to go to church today, due to being sick. So please save one for me.

Deb Sutton: Happy Mother's Day!

Nadya Greene: I would love a packet as well. I was telling Joe on our way back home that I really wanted us to grow some flowers. Now I know why I got that feeling.

Cheryl Solomon Collins: I would love one to plant in our new home!

Carrie Jean: What a wonderful, inspired idea and such a lovely way to remember and honor Addison's life and let others remember her too.

Nicole LaDeau Ward: That was so thoughtful of you. We will send some pics. Can't wait to see them bloom in honor of Addison!! Have a memorable Mother's Day!

Debra V. Wade: If you see Mary, I'd love one. I could get it from her. Hugs, and again how awesome that you shared your sweet angel with others on this day!!

Shauna Baang: Thank you so much for mine. I cannot wait to plant the seeds in loving memory of Addison! What a wonderful idea! You three are amazing

Emily Rusch: Can't wait to get mine! What a seriously awesome way to celebrate the day.

Ginger Faulk: That was so special. I came in on the side where Sarah was and when I saw what she had given me I was so touched. I wanted to thank you in person but I had to get over to Primary and couldn't make it over to see you. Thank you for s sweet memorial of your darling angel girl. can't wait to plant them and see them grow.

Chris Rusch: We received the seeds and are going to plant them in our flower bed.

Victoria Romero Clearfield: We love ours and can't wait to plant them. Thank you for the lovely gift and such a special way to always remember your sweet little one!

Mother's Day Gifts

May 11

 

My Mother's Day gifts from Daddy. The willows are called "angel of mine" and "forget me-not". Daddy did a good job.

 

 

 

 

73 Likes

Sarah Latchaw: Just beautiful! Good job daddy.

Ginger Faulk: Yes, Daddy did good. Those are beautiful. I imagine Addison is proud of his choices!

Emily Rusch: Love love love love. So perfect. Well done Nate.

Brett Emma Schmidt: What beautiful and thoughtful gifts!

Joedian Douglas-Hullinger: Happy Mothers Day!

Good Mothers...

May 10

Guess how this makes me feel…

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Jessica Snider: Some of the greatest mothers I know have lost a child...the dedication and love for Addison leaves no doubt in anyone's mind what a wonderful mother you are.

Chelsea Yancey: I'm sure very bad. *hugs* I have been thinking about your family and pray that you get the comfort you need tomorrow.

Debra V. Wade: And yes you are a good mother, she has and eternal family and what a blessing you have given her and your family. Forever!!!

From Addison to Me

May 10

 

This keeps playing over in my mind as if Addison is speaking it right to my thoughts...

I'm so sorry mommy. I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you for Mother's Day. I'm so sorry you can't hold me in your arms. I'm sorry I can't be the physical proof of your motherhood that many do not know. I'm so sorry you have to watch other mothers with their babies. I'm so sorry I will never get to pamper you on Mother's Day. We won't get to be what you wanted. I wish we could. I'm so sorry mommy. I love you. I know you miss me. I miss you too. You will always be mommy to me.

From Addison to me, Addison's Mommy

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Sarah Latchaw: Such a sweet girl. Truly an angel giving comfort to her momma on Mother's Day.

Amy Dupras Granger: My sweet Emily, eye hath not seen nor ear heard what God has in store for you and Nathan and Addison! One day, God himself will pour out these blessings which are stored up for you in Heaven! I wish I could watch on that day but you will just have to tell me all about it because I know you and her daddy will have a lot of catching up to do just by yourselves with Addison! Praise God for Jesus through whom we have eternal life. I honor you, Emily, on this Mother's Day! May God's richest blessings pour over your heart and life today! Huge hugs to you.

Where Did You Meet Them?

May 9

Where did you meet your best friend? Your boyfriend or girlfriend? Your husband? Where did you meet your second family? The best boss you have ever had? Your go-to person? Where did you meet them? Have you been back? Are those places special to you? Do they bring back wonderful memories?

I met Addison at Gwinnett Medical Center Neonatal Intensive Care Unit B in the first bed on the right. That place is sacred to me. It is where I got to know my daughter. The first place I got to hold her hand. The first place I got to talk to her. I cherish that place where she was and where I got to be.

I went back today. I love going back. I love being where she was. I don't think of it as the place she died. It's the place where she lived. It's the place where she fought for her life. She did amazing things there.

Some people can't go back, or at least I have heard. I don't blame them. I cry every time I go. It's different. There is another baby in her bed. There are different nurses she didn't know. But still I try. I try to feel her spirit there. I imagine she goes there often. She encourages the other babies as they fight for their lives. She is near those mothers who can hardly hold themselves together. She is with those doctors and nurses, helping diagnose and save precious lives.

One day I want to go back to her bedside. I will have to find out when her spot is vacant. I want to sit where I rocked her to a sleep she would never wake up from. Those were sacred times. Sacred tears. I often tear when I think of that cry. The sacred one that cannot be replicated. Few people witnessed those sacred moments. Only one on this earth went through it with me.

I'd give anything to have her back. I want her back. I don't want to miss her anymore.

Feeling like a mother without her baby,

Addison's Mommy

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Debra V. Wade: Wow, you are indeed a remarkable and strong mom. Hugs to you this night and in the coming days.

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: Oh sweet friend, my heart aches for you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!

Krista Mullins: Beautiful post Emily.

Daddy Dreaming

May 8

Daddy

There are days where I say to myself, "Did this really happen?" It feels like something that only happens in movies because it doesn't seem like it happens too often.

The thing I will miss the most is being the protector of Addison. Being a father that she can come and talk to about anything, but leaving the girl stuff for her mom. I kind of wanted to be the dad that put the fear of God in the boys that she would go out with.

There is a commercial on the radio I hear a lot. A dad is crying before his daughters wedding. He says to her, "Just remember that I loved you first." Then the daughter starts to cry.

And then I think of her up in heaven. This isn't doctrine, but my own belief, I see her as being like an 8 year old. Or around that age.

I love her so much and can't wait to see her again. I love you baby girl.

Love,

Daddy

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Jennifer Culp: So sweet!

Ginger Faulk: So sweet. I just heard that commercial about 10 minutes ago...it's very touching and so true...dad's do love their little girls first.

Marcy Howard: Think of you guys so much. We all love you. I heard a song the other day that made me think of you as a husband and a father. I will try and find it later today and post it. Thinking of you always.

Joan Vernott: If you have the feeling that Addison is about 8 years old then she probably is!