Migraines and missionaries

Well it's 3:35 am and I'm up. Have been for about 45 min. Daddy is breathing very heavy in his deep sleep. I'm not extraordinaryily sad. I'm just here, not sleeping, simply existing. The reason for my lack of slumber is not all that uncommon for me. Maybe I've written about this before, but I'm very prone to migraines and most of them are hormone related. So yesterday I had a migraine. I started to become slightly aware of it around 4pm. By 6 I was sure of it. I did have some excedrin on hand, but it was already too late for the monster in my head. I attended a missionary farewell before going home. Sister Carrigan (I think I spelled that right) completed her 18 month mission. She knew us when I was pregnant. She helped us move into our current house. She was so fun and full of energy. Then she was transferred to another area before I even began my 3rd trimester. She only heard through the grapevine that Addison had died and didn't get to see me until last night. 

Upon entering the building, I was immediately struck. I was alone, holding Addison bear (daddy could not attend due to his homework load). There were not 1, not 2, but three young babies nearest to me in the chapel. I had been nervous about this. I scanned the room, looking for help, a friend. I should have invited a friend. There was no one. So I went to sit in the back, as far as I could physically be from those babies and I started to cry. I held addison bear tightly and rocked, trying to soothe myself. I payed special attention to mybreaching, making sure I wouldn't hyperventilate. I made myself very unapproachable. 

Then, I saw an old friend enter the chapel. The last time I had seen her was at Addison's funeral. I wasn't sure if she was a blog reader. I avoided eye contact, not sure if she was aware of how broken I sometimes feel, even 7 1/2 months out. She sat down but must have glanced at me. Slowly she started to approach. I appreciated her obvious sensitivity. She down in one of the many chairs beside me and I just laid my head on her shoulder and cried. 

I don't remember all of our exchanged words but she offered to stay with me throughout the program, but only if I wanted her to. I more than wanted her to. With her present, I was able to compose myself. Following the program, her husband joined us. I felt very loved as they shared about a similar loss they recently experienced. 

Although my migraine had not lessened,I felt re energized enough to enter the buzzing crowd of members and missionaries to find my Sister Carrigan. It was a true gift to find her in the hall, away from the larger mass of people and especially away from all the babies. I waited my turn to hug her, despite feeling as though I had all the right in the world to cut in line. She was truly grateful to see me and spent a long time visiting with me. It definitely made the pain worth it. I also got to visit with her parents. They recalled reading about me in her letters home and shared how much they loved hearing about me. They were overwhelmingly empathetic to what I had experienced. It's always a gamble, sharing so much vulnerability with someone you have never met. I was glad I did. 

I was glad when I could go home, despite my wonderful visit, my migraine had gotten worse and I needed my prescription. Daddy was still working on homeworker, but he helped me as much as he could. As we went to bed, I worried my migraine would linger into the morning. And that's why I'm writing now. Thankfully my migraine did not linger, but often I will wake at the sudden departure of a migraine. 3 am today. And I'm not one bit tired. I'm actually hungry. I'll probably get up in a minute. 

There wasn't really a point to this post. I just needed to fill some time. And maybe a part of me wanted to show how much I'm still hurting. For you to see what a somewhat typical day is still like for me. 

Anyway. This is the end of my post. By the time you read it, tomorrow will have come. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy 

A Dead Day

I am thoroughly depressed tonight. I'm not sobbing. I'm not curled in a ball in my bed. I'm just really sad. It's not Halloween but tonight is the equivalent of the event. Tonight is the ward Halloween party, an event I usually look forward to every year. Right now a party is going on at my church. Moms have spent a large portion of the day preparing chili and deserts worthy of a competition. Kids have probably been wearing their Halloween costumes around the house all day in anticipation of the trunk or treat and costume parade. This year I was really going to participate too. I was going to make my moms award winning chili and Nathan probably would have made cheese cake. And Addison would have been in the most adorable outfit you could imagine. I never actually decided what I would want her to be, but it would have been very memorable. 

Well she is dead. My dream Halloween party died with her. I just couldn't bare to be there now. Especially seeing all the other babies. Even little girls would probably pull on my bereaved heart. But still, I wish I was there. Before River was exiled from church due to someone's allergy, I had planned on bringing her as goldi locks. Nathan and I would have put bear ears on and brought Addison Bear, thus being "goldi locks and the three bears". And I know I could have probably brought River to the trunk or treat part, but what's the point? 

So I'm home. Daddy is doing homework and I have a headache. River desperately needs some stimulation but I just don't feel like playing with her.

I wish she was here. Everyday I wish she was here and I wish I wasn't doing what I wouldn't have been doing because she was here. I resent this double life. I resent getting this incredibly horrible life that I didn't even know was possible. Not every second is horrible except for the fact that my daughter is dead every second of every hour of every day and that is horrible. 

Anyway, my point is that she is dead today. Dead on a day that I especially looked forward to her being here for. 

On a day that has died,

Addison's Mommy

The Thank You List of the Century

I had a hard realization last week and I hope you will forgive me. I have failed to say thank you enough. Perhaps I have said it here and there, but I never sent cards or set out specifically to thank anyone. So this is going to be a long list. And I'm even more sorry if I forget to put you on this list. I will partially defend my lack of thank yous though to the fact that my baby died. It is easy to say thank you for wedding gifts or birthday gifts. It is hard when your world has fallen apart. I have also been told that it is better to praise publicly and scold privately. So I am going to thank everyone publicly. Also, this is in no particular order of who I am most or least thankful for.

Thank you Nathan Rusch. You are more of a husband and father than I ever thought a man could be. You bathed me. You shaved my legs. You brushed my hair. You held me as I cried day or night. You protected me. You ran errands and served me anything I needed. You handled the masses of people for me. You didn't judge me. You loved me. And I am so thankful to call you mine.

Thank you Mom (Amy Granger). Thank you for dropping everything to be at the hospital. Thank you for praying your heart out. Thank you for being there at the hospital just in case we needed you. Thank you for all the love you have shown to Addison. Thank you for all the special mementos you have given in her honor. Thank you for respecting the space I have needed. Thanks for being my mom.

Thank you Dad and Martha. Thank you also for being there at the hospital. Thank you for being constant and steady. Thank you for being always available when I need you but never pushing for what I may not be ready for.

Thank you Chris and Mary (my in-laws). Thank you also for dropping everything to come to the hospital. Thank you for respecting my space. Thank you for bringing Nathan food at the hospital. Thank you for hosting all the family at your house around the time of the funeral. Thank you for talking about Addison. Thank you for putting Addison's picture up in your house.

Thank you Hannah and Marion (my sisters). Thank you for coming to meet Addison in the hospital. Thank you for doing all you knew how to do. Thank you for being there for me. I love you both.

Thank you Jon and Emily (Nathan's brother and sister-in-law). Thank you for recognizing the urgency and necessity of being here when Addison died. Thank you for taking care of me and Nathan during that horrible meeting. Thank you Jon for having the courage to read Nathan's letter to Addison at the funeral. Thank you Emily for doing my makeup for the funeral and conducting the music. Thank you for understanding my needs. Thank you for not hiding the reality of the situation from your children and teaching them about their first girl cousin.

Thank you Chris and Tina (Another brother of Nathan and sister-in-law). Thank you Chris for flying out so urgently for the funeral and Tina for being there in spirit. Thank you for respecting my needs including distance from your current pregnancy. Thank you for the beautiful necklace that I believe was also contributed to by Jon and Emily.

Thank you Matt. (Nathan's other brother). Thank you for coming to meet Addison. Thank you for sticking around when we first found out the terrible news of Addison's condition.

Thank you Jefrilyn and Paul Ellison. Jefrilyn, you were more involved with  my pregnancy than anyone. You were the most exited person I ever told about my pregnancy. You jumped for joy and could hardly contain the excitement. You found out only minutes after Nathan and I got that positive test but did an amazing job holding your tongue until we were ready to tell the rest of the world. You went to my first doctors appointment with me just so I could pee in a cup. You let me show up unannounced so I could be miserably sick on your couch because I didn't know where else to go. You organized Addison's gender reveal with us and kept our secret of her being a girl, even from us! You filled paint balloons and helped ice cupcakes. You donated your beautiful bassinet and worked so hard to help plan the baby shower. You offered all your help when we learned Addison was sick. You helped with things at our house and ran errands for some pineapple and clothes for Nathan. You scratched my furry legs that I couldn't reach because of the c-section. You came and held Addison's little hand the night before she died. You understood the severity of her condition and kept that information private as we asked. You came and helped us pack and take everything home from the hospital. Everything but our baby. You helped us unpack and ran errands for anything else we needed. You went and picked the most beautiful outfit for Addison to wear at the funeral. You protected us when we chose to go to church that Sunday. You helped set up for the funeral and you read my letter to Addison with all the elegance and grace that a mother could. You arranged meals and helpers and friends during the weeks that I could not be alone. You came when I was broken nearly beyond repair. You have loved us. You have loved Addison. I am so sorry that I have not thanked you for these things sooner. 

Thank you Amber Boyd. Thank you for your immense concern when I first started feeling itchy. Thank you for going to my last doctor's appointment with me when they decided I needed to be induced. Thank you for coming to the hospital to check on us. Thank you Amber and Cody for letting all of your children come to the funeral instead of school. Thank you for the beautiful flowers and vase you brought us. Thank you for coming when we needed someone the night of the funeral. Thank you for being there as one of my helpers during the weeks I needed a friend. Thank you for loving us from afar after the birth of your daughter.

Thank you Amanda and Lichlyter Family. Thank you for cleaning our home while we were in the hospital. Thank you for your involvement in the funeral. Thank you for allowing your kids to also miss school in order to come to the funeral. Thank you for coming and being with me during the weeks I couldn't be alone and making dinner for us. Thank you for keeping distance while being there as much as possible after the birth of your son. Thank you for every effort you have made to be there for us.

Thank you Krista Mullins for your deep deep sorrow for us. Thank you for following all of my posts so closely. Thank you for giving me everything I needed after the birth of your daughter. Thank you for the dinner you cooked for us. Thank you for your love of Addison Bear.

Thank you Tabitha Armstrong. Thank you for your mother's heart ache that continues to show for us. Thank you for your mother's intuition to the things my body would need after having and losing a baby. Thank you for coming and sitting with me when I could not be alone. Thank you for your wonderful children who love and obviously knew Addison before this life. Thank you for listening and loving me so much even 7 months after her loss. Thank you for helping me to set up this blog. You have been a constant and reliable friend who has asked for nothing in return.

Thank you Sarah Hamilton. Thank you thank you for pushing yourself to the for front of those who I would need after the loss of Addison. Thank you for coming and being with me for many days I could not be alone. Thank you for inviting me into your home on a daily basis where I could cry or smile or sleep or eat without being alone. Thank you for your wonderful sweet children. Thank you for all the times you have allowed me to vent. Thank you for the beautiful Addison flowers that are so cherished.

Thank you Sarah and Isaac Hohman for coming to the hospital and being so attentive to my needs. Thank you for allowing me to be distant from your pregnancy while still loving and supporting us.

Thank you Olivia Almendares for becoming a true friend despite not knowing each other well before Addison's birth. Thank you for going to loss group and hospital with me and having Nathan and I over for dinner. Thank you for the long conversations and understand of my struggles. Thank you for watching River when Nathan and I had plans.

Thank you Rachel Sanders for taking such a lead on the forget-me-not project. Thank you for keeping my company and talking about your little girl in heaven. Thank you for understanding my needs and checking up on me. Thank you for running errands with me and sewing Addison's things for me.

Thank you Jennifer Culp for the beautiful flowers you brought by that one day. Thank you for respecting my space when I was afraid to talk to others who had lost babies. Thank you for being there as soon as I needed you. Thank you for walking out with me during baby blessings and warning me of blessings to come. Thank you for your tremendous efforts towards the Untold Story event. Thank you for your brilliant remembrance ideas. Thank you for all your love and friendship.

Thank you Lisa Kotter for being the best RS president we could have had while in the hospital. Thank you for going with my to my first itchy doctor's appointment. Thank you for finding all the funeral information we needed before Addison died. Thank you for all the communication efforts you made in arranging the funeral. Thank you for the beautiful willow you gave us and supporting our needs.

Thank you Jennifer Wells for being one of my very reliable and sensitive friends. Thank you for cleaning the house and running errands with me and keeping me company when I couldn't be alone. Thank you for continuing to follow me and love me.

Thank you Kristy Campbell for being one of those very special friends who came when I could not be alone, especially not having known me well before. Thank you for being willing to drive me anywhere I needed to go. Thank you for coming on that one day where I just had to get some errands run and dropping everything for me. Thank you for all your love and support.

Thank you President and Sister Frost for coming and listening to what happened to Addison the day we came home from the hospital. Thank you president for speaking at the funeral. Thank you Karen for being with me on those days that I couldn't be alone and thank you for having me over for dinner. Thank you for inviting me to drop off missionary meals on a day that you didn't know how much I was struggling.

Thank you Bishop for coming many times to the hospital when we needed you. Thank you for speaking at the funeral and helping us to fulfill all of our wishes. Thank you for supporting us in our needs as we have dealt with the aftermath of losing Addison.

Thank you Mother's group for the beautiful Addison Chest that you all delivered to me as well as the jewelry box and necklace.

Thank you Valerie Merrel for having me over for dinner and listening to the Addison story when I couldn't be alone. Thank you for all your efforts behind the scenes. Thank you for inviting me to go get running shoes with you. Thank you for the beautiful books you have brought.

Thank you Blake Hoskisson to the beautiful words you said on the Sunday after Addison died.

Thank you high counselor in our ward for being so upset that Sunday, as well as the reverence of the entire congregation.

Thank you Rachelle Guymon for the tissues that helped me get through that melt down at church. Thank you for the gift and card you brought after not being able to attend the Untold Story event.

Thank you hospital staff. There are many names I can't remember and so I won't mention names. Thank you for loving Addison. Thank you for taking the best possible care of our family during the tragedy of our life. Thank you for holding me as we blessed Addison. Thank you for being so gentle in asking what we needed and getting to know us. Thank you for keeping Addison in your office for so many hours after we had to go to bed. Thank you for all the mementos you prepared in her honor. Thank you for the beautiful pictures you took of her. Thank you for crying over her. Thank you for being who you are and doing what you do for so many babies.

Thank you Allens for loving us. Thank you for finishing and sending the beautiful blessing blanket. Thank you for your path of discovery to our needs during this difficult time.

Thank you to all those who have helped in the arranging of the funeral and meals and things I don't even remember. I'm sorry to not thank you by name but I am very thankful.

Thank you Waters family for being patient with me as I struggled in coming back to work. Thank you for the fabulous vacation you sent us on. Thank you for following all of our needs.

Thank you other mothers who have lost babies or children who have grieved and loved me as you know the pain I go through.

Thank you Channy for attending the loss group with me and spending hours talking. Thank you for organizing a sign up sheet for others to hang out with me and talking with me during wee hours of the night.

Thank you for all of the people who never knew me well before the loss of Addison but have loved me, listened to me, sat with me, messaged me, sent cards and coming to the funeral and/or the Untold story event.

Thank you Nathan's cousin for the bracelet you sent.

Thank you Sheree Gossling for the hang out invites, the blue berries, and going to a loss group with me.

Thank you Shellie Gossling for coming to learn more about Addison. Thank you for the beautiful bracelets and the heart felt love.

Thank you Courtney Taylor for helping me get my body back and all the talks and venting sessions.

Thank you Heather Farhy.

Thank you Chelsea Yancey for taking me to get my toes done and the excellent friendship. Thank you for the orchid and goodies you sent to the hospital.

Thank you to all the Missionaries who have loved and supported us, done laundry with me, yard work, dishes, just sat and talked, and any other things we needed.

Thank you Serenity for being such a great friend and acknowledging all the needs I have had as well as allowing the distance I have needed because of your baby.

Thank you to all the family and friends who came to the funeral from out of town or to all the people who skipped work to come to the funeral.

Thank you Trudy and Dr. Pearson's office for recognizing the severity of the situation and sending the beautiful flowers to the hospital.

Thank you Beth Peterson for the beautiful work you did to paint Addison's Urn.

Thank you teachers and staff of Georgia Gwinnett College for understand and being patient with all my needs during and after pregnancy.

Thank you Catherine Doerr for coming to the hospital and supporting me during my pregnancy. Thank you for the heart attack on our door and all the effort you put into the baby shower. Thank you for allowing us to prepare for the Untold Story event in your craft room. Thank you for giving me the space I have needed after the loss of Addison.

Thank you Cat Martin for being with me when I couldn't be alone and be so sensitive to me especially with your expecting baby.

Thank you to the lady at the park (who's name I can't remember) who only asked how old River was but also learned of our loss of Addison. You went out of your way to follow a complete strangers blog and give me the only Mother's Day gift that was not from a family member. 

Thank you Kristi Yancey for coming and learning of Addison's story. 

Thank you wages funeral home for the beautiful service you provided for Addison all for free. 

Thank you Suellen Weiler for bringing muffins by, inviting us to dinner and FHE, and listening to Addison's Story. 

Thank you Victoria Clearfield for showing us so much love. 

Thank you Cousin Marcus and Ali for letting us stay at your beautiful home on islamorada. 

Thank you Eli and Brigetta Love for letting us stay with you when we went to pick up River and for that wonderful darling morning chat. 

Thank you Taurus Womble for checking on us continually while we were in the hospital. 

Thank you Jelaire Womble for all the cookie dough and keeping me company on those late nights when I couldn't be alone. Thank you also for all your help on the Addison wall, donating a kennel for River, and helping me start working out. 

Thank you Steve Nickerson (I think) for house sitting for us during the funeral. 

Thank you Helen Ziga for sharing your knowledge of grief over the loss of a child. 

Thank you first therapist for suggesting I get on drugs. 

Thank you second therapist for being amazing. 

Thank you Caleb Weiler, Kendal Kotter, and Terry Heaton for employing Nathan with the best job he has ever had at a time when we really needed it. 

Thank you young women who helped to provide child care for the untold story event. 

Thank you Grandma Sarah for caring so much. 

Thank you to all those who have sent cards, messages, and texts. 

Thank you to all those who came when I needed and asked you to come and also all those who wanted to but couldn't. 

And thank you to all those who have read and followed this story. 

Thank you to all those who have donated to molly bears (you can still donate if you haven't) www.mollybears.com.

Thank you to all those who have gifted us financially in our time of need. 

Thank you Kaiser Permanente staff. Especially my midwives for the excellent care you continue to give to me. 

Thank you especially to Vivian Alvarez.


I hope I have included close to the amount of people who have helped in our grieving process. We are not done grieving. We never will be. How we show our grief might change over time but it is my belief that time can not always heal all wounds. Anyway, thanks for being there

With Love,

Addison's Mommy