3 days left...

Christmas is around the corner. Some have wondered how I am doing. Well, aside from a couple horrible events that happened last week (that I don't feel like talking about), I have been "okay".

It's funny when people ask me how I'm doing and I say "okay" or "fine". They usually go on with "Good! Good! Well, nice to see you..." And they continue on their way. Then I have some friends who will ask how I am, and I know that they are truly wanting to know. I like those people a lot. They have already prepared themselves for the probability that I am not doing well and I don't feel pressured to lie to them about my reality.

So for real though, how am I? Well, I miss her. That's a given. I try not to think about the Christmas that we should be having and aren't. But I have made as many plans to protect myself as possible. I know I have already mentioned some of these in previous posts but I figured you might want to know how well my plans are working.

#1- No Christmas Gifts. This has actually been working great. No one has sent me a Christmas gift, or if they did give me something, it wasn't wrapped. I also have gotten several Christmas cards, none of them including babies which is good. I have opted not to read any letter than are not hand written as I figure they are generic updates on the happy side of other people's families which may be painful for me to read.

#2- No Christmas Baking- I really, really want to make some Kringler (a family tradition of mine), but I also figure I'm keeping calories off by not baking it. My main fear with this one is just that I will somehow get in the middle of baking, remember her not being with me, and then never want to bake again as well as having created a huge mess in the kitchen.

#3- No Christmas Parties- So I actually cheated on this rule. I went to the Georgia Atlanta North Missionary Christmas Concert. Why did I go? To see the missionaries. I absolutely did not want to hear those Christmas songs. I almost didn't make it through. I started to sob as they sang "Angels We Have Heard on High" as I though of my Angel who I wish wasn't an Angel. What got me through it though, was watching Elder Pond. He was positioned on the very edge, wearing his beautiful Addison memorial flower, and getting very into the music. He bobbed back and forth, and would shake his head slightly in a operatic way when trying to reach a high note or perhaps adding vibrato. It was hilarious and kept Nathan and I laughing throughout the entire performance. After the concert, we were able to mingle with all the missionaries and it was a wonderful reunion. Many of the missionaries have heard of us because they have asked about the Addison flower that several missionaries have continued to wear on a daily basis. It felt nice to know how many people have learned of Addison by such a small act of wearing a flower.

But other than this one Christmas party, I have avoided all others and been more than happy to do so.

#4- Get crafty. Many of you have received your Addison Ornament. If you have not, it is either in the mail or at my house waiting to be picked up (assuming you requested one). I have realized that I probably could have made about 50 more ornaments and found people to give them to, although those people may not have known they could request one (like missionaries and people not as savvy with the internet). I have loved doing these Addison ornaments. I cannot wait to see hopefully many pictures of her ornament on the trees of my friends and family on Christmas day (posted on the fb page). I originally decided to make these ornaments after discovering a lack of such a product in the market. Since creating the Addison ornament, I have had 5 requests for personalized ornaments for others who have lost loved ones. I was able to turn around and deliver those ornaments in a 2 day period (I did not have all the materials I needed on hand). I now have supplies to make ornaments on an anytime basis. I have a craft table set up in Addison's nursery so that I can have her close as I create these blocks in her memory. I have set up and Etsy shop that I opened today (because I have nothing else to do today). I am super excited to be doing this. I think there is a huge market for it and I hope to help others feel closer to their lost loved ones through this project. Seeing as I have never started my own business, I am open to KIND suggestions as to how I can improve my product or improve my marketing. If you have a loved one that you would like a Memorial Block created for, feel free to order one through my etsy account. If you know me personally, I can also make an order for you to pick up so you don't have to pay shipping costs. I am also able to make blocks for other occasions such as weddings, grandchildren blocks, family blocks, or whatever you want. I'll be adding pictures of other blocks I have created after Christmas. If you haven't opened or received your Addison block yet, you may not want to go to my etsy shop so you don't ruin the surprise. Here is the link.

Some down falls I have had this Christmas is simply the lonely factor. I still don't like going shopping by myself. Nathan has been working quite a bit and many of my friends have their own families to attend to. I don't mean to put blame on my friends, it is completely understandable that they are spending time with their families. I just wish Addison was here. I have avoided spending family time with my extended family as to not put more emphasis on my feelings of being incomplete.

I have received one letter to Addison that is in her stocking for us to read on Christmas day. I am still happy to accept any letters from anyone else. If you don't think you can get it to me in person before Christmas Eve, feel free to create a Microsoft Word attachment in an email to me, and I can print it out, and stick it in her stocking. If you don't have my email, you may send me a private message for it.

I think that is all the updates I care to share right now.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy

Do you read me?

So, we survived Thanksgiving. Actually, we more than survived. We enjoyed it. I don't really feel like giving all the details but it was exactly what I needed.

So, here comes Christmas. I have been working very hard to finish the Addison blocks and they will be ready this Sunday, December 7th. I have not ordered any more than my original 100. I have about 80 names of those who will be getting a block. Those names include family members, people who have donated to the blocks, people who have requested a block, people who simply liked or commented on the blocks when I first announced them, and my go-to people (who always know who they are). I have added a few names of people that I think would like blocks as well. That being said, 80 blocks are spoken for, and if you have not spoken, then you may not know you want to be on the list. Of course, you are welcome to one of the 20 remaining blocks. But if I run out, you may have to wait for me to order and make another batch. So please, speak now if you want to be on the list (or even if you know someone who would want to be on the list)!

How else have I been working to survive Christmas? Well, we had our family pictures taken. Any day now, we should be getting them back. I plan to include a Christmas Card with each block that is given out. Addison is very well represented in the pictures. Also, I have actually decorated for Christmas. We have our first live Christmas tree up with all hand-made or modified ornaments as well as some other Christmas craft decorations. It has really surprised me that I even wanted to decorate for Christmas, but I have been able to make many memorial ornaments for Addison and you all know that I love all memorial projects.

I have also made a plan for surviving the actual day of Christmas. I'm not going to give all the details to that either, but there is one big rule that you may need to be aware of.... I am absolutely NOT accepting Christmas gifts this year. Call me crazy, but that is just what I need this year. And I don't have to explain myself to anyone. However, my birthday does happen to be 5 days after Christmas (December 30th) and I will be accepting gifts that day so long as they are wrapped in birthday paper (no Christmas paper allowed). Now please, do not get me a gift just because you know when my birthday is. I am not trying to solicit for any gifts at all. I am just trying to protect myself emotionally.... And while we are on the topic of my birthday, no one (and I really mean no one) is to sing me happy birthday this year unless you want to make me cry. I probably won't even answer phone calls that day, just in case someone doesn't get the message.

On a different note, you may have noticed my lack of posts lately. I know that I had previously written about my emotional stability improvement. While that is still true, I still need people to be sensitive to me. I need people to read me and see my needs. Can you tell when I want a hug verses when I don't want a hug? Can you tell when I want to talk about how I feel and when I don't? Can you tell when I am feeling uncomfortable because of the environment I am in? I know that not everyone is going to do this, not everyone even knows how to do this. My go-to girls know how to do this. That's how they became my go-to girls... I'm just trying to say that I'm not all better. I will never be the "all better" that I was before Addison died. Sometimes I feel like I am being treated "normal" when I feel the opposite. Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of tears and someone wants to talk to me about something funny that happened. Sometimes I am having a good day, and then someone brings up something about our loss and my good day is over. Really, these situations don't happen very often, but if you are wanting to be closer to me, this is what I need. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, that need will be space.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for not being offended and judging me.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy