A Dead Day

I am thoroughly depressed tonight. I'm not sobbing. I'm not curled in a ball in my bed. I'm just really sad. It's not Halloween but tonight is the equivalent of the event. Tonight is the ward Halloween party, an event I usually look forward to every year. Right now a party is going on at my church. Moms have spent a large portion of the day preparing chili and deserts worthy of a competition. Kids have probably been wearing their Halloween costumes around the house all day in anticipation of the trunk or treat and costume parade. This year I was really going to participate too. I was going to make my moms award winning chili and Nathan probably would have made cheese cake. And Addison would have been in the most adorable outfit you could imagine. I never actually decided what I would want her to be, but it would have been very memorable. 

Well she is dead. My dream Halloween party died with her. I just couldn't bare to be there now. Especially seeing all the other babies. Even little girls would probably pull on my bereaved heart. But still, I wish I was there. Before River was exiled from church due to someone's allergy, I had planned on bringing her as goldi locks. Nathan and I would have put bear ears on and brought Addison Bear, thus being "goldi locks and the three bears". And I know I could have probably brought River to the trunk or treat part, but what's the point? 

So I'm home. Daddy is doing homework and I have a headache. River desperately needs some stimulation but I just don't feel like playing with her.

I wish she was here. Everyday I wish she was here and I wish I wasn't doing what I wouldn't have been doing because she was here. I resent this double life. I resent getting this incredibly horrible life that I didn't even know was possible. Not every second is horrible except for the fact that my daughter is dead every second of every hour of every day and that is horrible. 

Anyway, my point is that she is dead today. Dead on a day that I especially looked forward to her being here for. 

On a day that has died,

Addison's Mommy