Christmas is around the corner. Some have wondered how I am doing. Well, aside from a couple horrible events that happened last week (that I don't feel like talking about), I have been "okay".
It's funny when people ask me how I'm doing and I say "okay" or "fine". They usually go on with "Good! Good! Well, nice to see you..." And they continue on their way. Then I have some friends who will ask how I am, and I know that they are truly wanting to know. I like those people a lot. They have already prepared themselves for the probability that I am not doing well and I don't feel pressured to lie to them about my reality.
So for real though, how am I? Well, I miss her. That's a given. I try not to think about the Christmas that we should be having and aren't. But I have made as many plans to protect myself as possible. I know I have already mentioned some of these in previous posts but I figured you might want to know how well my plans are working.
#1- No Christmas Gifts. This has actually been working great. No one has sent me a Christmas gift, or if they did give me something, it wasn't wrapped. I also have gotten several Christmas cards, none of them including babies which is good. I have opted not to read any letter than are not hand written as I figure they are generic updates on the happy side of other people's families which may be painful for me to read.
#2- No Christmas Baking- I really, really want to make some Kringler (a family tradition of mine), but I also figure I'm keeping calories off by not baking it. My main fear with this one is just that I will somehow get in the middle of baking, remember her not being with me, and then never want to bake again as well as having created a huge mess in the kitchen.
#3- No Christmas Parties- So I actually cheated on this rule. I went to the Georgia Atlanta North Missionary Christmas Concert. Why did I go? To see the missionaries. I absolutely did not want to hear those Christmas songs. I almost didn't make it through. I started to sob as they sang "Angels We Have Heard on High" as I though of my Angel who I wish wasn't an Angel. What got me through it though, was watching Elder Pond. He was positioned on the very edge, wearing his beautiful Addison memorial flower, and getting very into the music. He bobbed back and forth, and would shake his head slightly in a operatic way when trying to reach a high note or perhaps adding vibrato. It was hilarious and kept Nathan and I laughing throughout the entire performance. After the concert, we were able to mingle with all the missionaries and it was a wonderful reunion. Many of the missionaries have heard of us because they have asked about the Addison flower that several missionaries have continued to wear on a daily basis. It felt nice to know how many people have learned of Addison by such a small act of wearing a flower.
But other than this one Christmas party, I have avoided all others and been more than happy to do so.
#4- Get crafty. Many of you have received your Addison Ornament. If you have not, it is either in the mail or at my house waiting to be picked up (assuming you requested one). I have realized that I probably could have made about 50 more ornaments and found people to give them to, although those people may not have known they could request one (like missionaries and people not as savvy with the internet). I have loved doing these Addison ornaments. I cannot wait to see hopefully many pictures of her ornament on the trees of my friends and family on Christmas day (posted on the fb page). I originally decided to make these ornaments after discovering a lack of such a product in the market. Since creating the Addison ornament, I have had 5 requests for personalized ornaments for others who have lost loved ones. I was able to turn around and deliver those ornaments in a 2 day period (I did not have all the materials I needed on hand). I now have supplies to make ornaments on an anytime basis. I have a craft table set up in Addison's nursery so that I can have her close as I create these blocks in her memory. I have set up and Etsy shop that I opened today (because I have nothing else to do today). I am super excited to be doing this. I think there is a huge market for it and I hope to help others feel closer to their lost loved ones through this project. Seeing as I have never started my own business, I am open to KIND suggestions as to how I can improve my product or improve my marketing. If you have a loved one that you would like a Memorial Block created for, feel free to order one through my etsy account. If you know me personally, I can also make an order for you to pick up so you don't have to pay shipping costs. I am also able to make blocks for other occasions such as weddings, grandchildren blocks, family blocks, or whatever you want. I'll be adding pictures of other blocks I have created after Christmas. If you haven't opened or received your Addison block yet, you may not want to go to my etsy shop so you don't ruin the surprise. Here is the link.
Some down falls I have had this Christmas is simply the lonely factor. I still don't like going shopping by myself. Nathan has been working quite a bit and many of my friends have their own families to attend to. I don't mean to put blame on my friends, it is completely understandable that they are spending time with their families. I just wish Addison was here. I have avoided spending family time with my extended family as to not put more emphasis on my feelings of being incomplete.
I have received one letter to Addison that is in her stocking for us to read on Christmas day. I am still happy to accept any letters from anyone else. If you don't think you can get it to me in person before Christmas Eve, feel free to create a Microsoft Word attachment in an email to me, and I can print it out, and stick it in her stocking. If you don't have my email, you may send me a private message for it.
I think that is all the updates I care to share right now.
With Love,
Addison's Mommy
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