Do you read me?

So, we survived Thanksgiving. Actually, we more than survived. We enjoyed it. I don't really feel like giving all the details but it was exactly what I needed.

So, here comes Christmas. I have been working very hard to finish the Addison blocks and they will be ready this Sunday, December 7th. I have not ordered any more than my original 100. I have about 80 names of those who will be getting a block. Those names include family members, people who have donated to the blocks, people who have requested a block, people who simply liked or commented on the blocks when I first announced them, and my go-to people (who always know who they are). I have added a few names of people that I think would like blocks as well. That being said, 80 blocks are spoken for, and if you have not spoken, then you may not know you want to be on the list. Of course, you are welcome to one of the 20 remaining blocks. But if I run out, you may have to wait for me to order and make another batch. So please, speak now if you want to be on the list (or even if you know someone who would want to be on the list)!

How else have I been working to survive Christmas? Well, we had our family pictures taken. Any day now, we should be getting them back. I plan to include a Christmas Card with each block that is given out. Addison is very well represented in the pictures. Also, I have actually decorated for Christmas. We have our first live Christmas tree up with all hand-made or modified ornaments as well as some other Christmas craft decorations. It has really surprised me that I even wanted to decorate for Christmas, but I have been able to make many memorial ornaments for Addison and you all know that I love all memorial projects.

I have also made a plan for surviving the actual day of Christmas. I'm not going to give all the details to that either, but there is one big rule that you may need to be aware of.... I am absolutely NOT accepting Christmas gifts this year. Call me crazy, but that is just what I need this year. And I don't have to explain myself to anyone. However, my birthday does happen to be 5 days after Christmas (December 30th) and I will be accepting gifts that day so long as they are wrapped in birthday paper (no Christmas paper allowed). Now please, do not get me a gift just because you know when my birthday is. I am not trying to solicit for any gifts at all. I am just trying to protect myself emotionally.... And while we are on the topic of my birthday, no one (and I really mean no one) is to sing me happy birthday this year unless you want to make me cry. I probably won't even answer phone calls that day, just in case someone doesn't get the message.

On a different note, you may have noticed my lack of posts lately. I know that I had previously written about my emotional stability improvement. While that is still true, I still need people to be sensitive to me. I need people to read me and see my needs. Can you tell when I want a hug verses when I don't want a hug? Can you tell when I want to talk about how I feel and when I don't? Can you tell when I am feeling uncomfortable because of the environment I am in? I know that not everyone is going to do this, not everyone even knows how to do this. My go-to girls know how to do this. That's how they became my go-to girls... I'm just trying to say that I'm not all better. I will never be the "all better" that I was before Addison died. Sometimes I feel like I am being treated "normal" when I feel the opposite. Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of tears and someone wants to talk to me about something funny that happened. Sometimes I am having a good day, and then someone brings up something about our loss and my good day is over. Really, these situations don't happen very often, but if you are wanting to be closer to me, this is what I need. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, that need will be space.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for not being offended and judging me.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy