These memories I have with her aren't enough. I need more. I had 37 weeks and 3 days to dream about the memories we would have and I only got 4 days that no parent ever imagined possible. It's not enough. There aren't enough happy places to go to in my head. I want to remember her first smile. Her first giggle. The first time she responded to her name. Where are my memories? The ones I dreamed of having.
She is so frozen. She's not growing. Not moving. Not smiling. Not crying. She's just laying there, helpless. She's just laying there, dying. She just laying there, dead. How am I supposed to get through life with just those memories of her? How do I keep breathing when it hurts too much to breathe? Why does my heart keep beating when the pain feels unbearable?I don't know. It just does. And so I just do, survive that is, on just those memories. Even though they aren't enough.
I'm ready to have her back. But that's not possible. Not in this life.
With love,
Addison's Mommy
Oh Emily… :( …. what to even say. As usual I feel like I should comment and yet there is just utter helplessness and sorrow in my heart over your loss. Nothing anyone can say can begin to approach the depth of pain you must be experiencing. Only Christ's love and healing can go there. I pray that love will touch you in a way you can feel today and will ease your suffering, if only a little, if only enough that you are able to get up and moving today. And if you can't, I understand. No one is judging. No one should judge, unless they have walked in your shoes. And even then, mothers will grieve differently. As ever… I am so sorry. Though you must feel so very alone, please know you are loved and thought of by many.
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