How weird it is that she doesn't exist anymore. And don't try to get churchy on me... Cuz she is not here... Not like I want her to be. I have her ashes in a little plastic bag that has a metal tag on it... I guess that's her cremation number. That bag is in a little box that says "Baby Addison Rusch".
I have wondered why they added the word "baby" to her title. Does it change the significance or importance? Do other non-babies get titles? Like elderly person or 5 year old?
About my post yesterday evening... It never happened. I never said those things. But I feel them. I feel them all the time. When Addison came off the ossilator and was handed to me for the first time, I was calm. I was quiet. I resisted every panic, every scream so that I could hold my baby as she died.
You see, knowing your baby is going to die does not take away the panic and fear from the actual death. It may even make it worse because all those emotions and feelings must be suppressed in order to be mentally able to cradle your baby for the first time and somehow enjoy it.
And since I didn't express those feelings then, I relive them now. Because what would you do if you just found out your child was going to die? Well... I already told you.
It's not pretty. None of this is pretty, but it's real. I will never get over the loss of Addison. Shame on you if you expect me to.
With Love,
Addison's Mommy
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