He misses me

I know he misses her but often I worry about daddy missing me. We got married almost two years ago because I was the light of his life and he was the keeper of my heart. And I don't mean to say that it's not that way now... But my light is not as bright and somehow my heart got broken and there was nothing he could do about it. He can't protect me from this pain. The best he can do is distract me, which he does very well. He has given me all the slack he can give and I can see him becoming exhausted. It makes me want to buck up and fix myself, but I don't really think "faking me" is going to result in a happier marriage. 

It feels like my purpose in life was taken away. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. And because I'm no longer able to mother my child, I'm having a harder time being a wife. He needs me. He wants me. And I am lost in the depression. He has promised he will never stop taking care of me. What more could a woman ask for? But I don't want him to get lost in the process. 

Depression is so hard. I'm not a big fan of people calling the loss of Addison "a trial". It is so much more than that. Everyday is a trial. But the over all picture is a colossal tragedy that has changed who we are forever. We might as well have buried our former selves. 

I miss the wife I used to be for him. I know he misses her too. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy