Didn't I deserve to be a mother?

I found myself crying in the middle of the night last night, longing to be rocking my baby to sleep. Normally I'm not awake at that hour but I slept for much too long in the mid afternoon. I had made the mistake of visiting a newborn mother's fb page. I knew what I was doing though. I knew that I would see all the pictures I had blocked from my news feed. 

Now I am up late again wondering and crying to myself, "didn't I deserve to be a mother?"   

Didn't I take all the right steps? We were married. We waited one year before bringing her into our world. We saved our pennies to squeeze her into our lives. 

Didn't I follow doctors orders? Didn't I take prenatal vitamins every day? Didn't I practice my mothers love on every baby I could find? Didn't I call the doctor when I was sick? Didn't I enjoy every single kick? Didn't I look at three different apps for every day of my pregnancy to check on her progress? Didn't i do my best to eat healthy? Didn't I make room for her in my life?

So why don't I get to be a mother!! I'm so pissed that I'm not getting to be her mother. I wanted her so bad. And now I hurt more than I ever imagined I could. 

I need to be a mother. It's not the same. I  know in my head that I am just that. But my heart aches to be the mother I planned for. 

With desperation,

Addison's Mommy