Will you go out on a limb?

Well, I just finished making myself cry again. Or maybe "finished" isn't the right word... or "making"...or "again".... Let me rephrase that... I am crying. You see, the time doesn't matter. How long I cry or not doesn't matter. How often doesn't matter. I still just cry.

I was reading my post... The one from the day she died... Her death announcement to the world. It wasn't the announcement that pulled on my heart though, it was all the comments. All the outpouring of love and prayers. It was so immediate. So constant. Everyone had so much sorrow for us... you see every day is that day. Every day my baby dies over and over again in my head. But now, the outpouring of love isn't as constant. It's not as immediate. There are a few people who have become the ones I lean on (my husband is a given). They are the ones I trust to call or invite to a grief group or visit the hospital with me. They are the ones I ask to intervene when something becomes too painful or who I trust with sharing my darkest sorrows. How did I get here? How did I get to the point where the majority of the world keeps me at arms length. In reality, I know how. No body knows what to say. No body wants to make it more painful than it already is.

Is it ok if I ask people to go out on a limb though? Would someone please invite us to go to a movie? Or a double date? Or on a walk? Or over for a game night? Our house really is too small to invite many people over. And really, it's usually messy because I'm just too depressed to clean it. When I say depressed, you probably think that I am too sad to clean my own house... but let me take a minute to talk about the symptoms of grief...

EXHAUSTION. I am tired all the time. I would always like a nap. I would always like to NOT get out of bed. But then, I can't sleep. So I end up thinking myself into sad places.... So I occupy my time. I fill my brain with nonsense.

FORGETFULNESS. Even if I wasn't too tired to clean my house, I never remember to do it. There are better things my less exhausted body could be doing than cleaning my house.

Anyway, those are just a few symptoms of grief and depression... you can look the rest up yourself. But back to inviting myself to hang out with you... I guess I should put out a few warnings/pointers. If you ask me how I am, I might really tell you. That means you might need to sit through a conversation of me talking about my life without Addison for about 30 minutes before the conversation can go anywhere else. If you try to avoid talking about her, I'm going to feel pretty uncomfortable and may not want to hang out again. I might cry. And that's not the end of the world. Just keep listening and I will stop. Also, please try to protect me if there is pain coming my way or I'm walking in that direction. So if you see a baby coming near us, steer us in a different direction, or ask to be seated at a different table so I don't have to. Sometimes I tell random people about Addison. She probably wanted them to know about her. So don't let that alarm you... If you happen to mention something about a post I recently made, you are scoring major bonus points with me. I love to know people are hearing me (remembering Addison). If you have any other questions about how to hang out with me... ASK. I am an extrovert that has been put in an introvert reality. It's weird. Sometimes being alone hurts more than it helps. I like to make new friends. Don't feel like you had to know me or have ever met me to hang out with me. Sometimes loss can bring people together.

Feeling a little lonely,

Addison's Mommy