Lately I have noticed the phrase "______ is in heaven right now". But who they are talking about is not dead. They are very much alive and joyful. It's almost a cruel phrase. They're child or baby is not in heaven. Mine is. My daughter had to go through death to get there. Heaven is her reward. I don't think there is anything on earth deserving to be "in heaven" than to die. I pray no one ever uses this phrase on me while I'm on earth. In a lot of ways, I would rather be in heaven. That's where Addison is. But I can't get myself there. I won't try.
I take words very literally now. Heaven. Angel. Baby.... Unless you are speaking litteraly, those words hurt out of context. Those words should not be joked about or said lightly. Not around me atleast.
When I was a teenager, I went to a camp in the summertime. There was a boy there who liked to tell cruel jokes. He was "cool" and so I tried to be friends with him. But he told dead baby jokes. I pray you have never heard these. Now they play in my mind though. How could anyone joke about such a tragedy? A true nightmare? It takes a lot of effort not to hate people sometimes...
These are the things that slip into my head at night. Terrible, terrible things. How could anyone expect me to be ok? My life has become my worst nightmare. I'm just trying to survive...
Addison's Mommy
Love you girl! If survive is all you can do right now, it is all He expects from you. It is easy to say "It'll get better", especially for those of us who could never be as brave as the two of you or who have had such a time in their lives but have healed the best they can in this life. I know you know one day you will be 'better', a little 'happier' but you will always cry from missing her I know you will. I thank Heavenly Father that He gave you Nathan. I know he is strong for you and you are for him when he needs it. I think of you often and love you deeply. Your friend, Marcy
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you are going through Emily, but I recently came across an old family friend who published a book about miscarriages she has gone through. I don't know how interested you would be in reading it, but here is a link if you are interested. Take care.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.infantswhichneversawlight.com/
I pray for you often and pray that our Heavenly Father gives you and Nathan the strength you need.
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