For the past few days I have been reading. Not anything immaculate. Actually, I've been reading about you. Now really it's only been a couple people. But I wanted to see what you were doing during the hardest week of my life. Are there traces of comments you made to me? Are there joyous pictures of your family? Are there no posts at all? I'm not looking to be mad at you if your life didn't revolve around mine, but sometimes I just wonder if that week existed to others. Was it documented? Did it change you? I know we had and have a lot of support, but it's not in my face anymore. I have to look for people to be supportive OR tell people how not ok I am so they remember I need them. It's exhausting. I know I don't need to prove anything to anyone, but somehow that's the only way I feel close to people anymore. I have considered sharing the dirty details. The things that would make you cringe and give you nightmares. They are sacred and lonely memories of my baby. But I don't think you can handle it. I don't want to make you try.
My baby died. That statement should provide all the support I will ever need. It should...
With Love,
Addison's Mommy
I didn't learn of you and Addison until March 13. I felt terrible for having posted a frivolous silly post for Emily that day not knowing the struggle within her family. My heart was immediately drawn out for you, and I found myself crying and pleading for a stranger and her baby.
ReplyDeleteThanks Channy :)
DeleteIf it helps, know that we still think of you and pray for you and Nathan often in our home. Knowing Addison has changed me, even if I don't often express it. It is a deep, personal change, but it is insignificant compared to what you are feeling, so I don't talk about it. I'll risk saying it now, and please forgive me if it's the wrong thing to say. Knowing Addison has made every moment with my Lily more precious. Those times I feel myself getting tired or frustrated or running low on patience, Addison comes into my mind. Thinking of Addison reminds me of the eternal nature of our lives. How we come as precious and beloved children of our Heavenly Father and will one day, on His time, return to His presence if we are faithful and worthy. Addison reminds me that life is so much bigger than these moments and that these small moments are a gift to be treasured. Knowing your daughter has helped me to be a better mother. She may have only been a few days on this earth, but your daughter has had a profound impact on more lives and in more ways than you might realize. Much of that impact is made possible, because you, as her mother, open yourself up and share her with those around you. That is the work of angels. It may seem unnoticed by the world, but it affects deep and lasting change in those it touches.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you know this Emily, but I am terrible with words. I have a terrible time expressing myself. Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with us. They have helped me be stronger and braver.
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