How many men?

How many men does it take to carry a baby's casket?

Just one... Her father.

I am grateful that Addison's grandfathers were able to escort her daddy as he took the most difficult walk he could imagine. Have you ever seen a baby's casket? I'm sure you never wanted to. I hope you never do, especially a second time if you were able to attend Addison's funeral. From other grieving mothers, I have heard they are not all the same. Addison's was a delicate white fabric. It was simple and perfect. It sat upon a wheeling cart which had a cloth draped over it, there were no handles. It had one single clasp, to open and close. When I first arrived at the church on her funeral day, her casket was closed. I ran (or did the best I could since I had a C-section just 6 days before) to it and opened it immediately. I needed to see my little girl.

How strange to see a baby wearing make up. I wondered what her skin looked like beneath it. There were some areas of her head, beneath her hair, that appeared red and splotchy. I tried to assume that's the way newborn heads look. I brushed her hair to the side. She had a natural part that mirrored mine. Her skin was cold to room temperature. Her feet had little white socks. Her fingers were open, as if my finger was permanently frozen in her hand. She had her hospital band on her left foot. Her ears were still a little squished. They never had time to adjust from being in the cool cap. The back of her head was flat from never having spent much time alive off of her hospital bed...

I have a duplicate of her funeral gown. I have not looked at it since the funeral. I just had a thought that I could dress Addison's sisters in it for their baby blessings... That might be morbid...

I accidently got some of Addison's lipstick on her dress when I set her back inside her casket. I was terrified when I saw it.... I thought it was blood.

Her feet where white. Ghost white. I noticed the black hairs on her arms because of her paleness. But she was not born fair... That came as part of the embalmment process (I think).

I thought to cut an extra lock of her hair... I couldn't do it. I had some at home... It would have taken away from her beauty.

I might continue this later and expand the post... I might not. I'm stuck in this memory of her at the moment.

With... who knows....

Addison's Mommy