She was for Daddy too

I survived fathers day. Some may not like that I might sound like I'm making father's day about me. It wasn't my day. I wasn't the one who should have been falling apart as the church talks discussed wonderful father-child memories. Well I wasn't the only one at least. I actually got through mother's day better than father's day. I'm going to try to explain it. I don't really expect many people to understand. Those who have suffered infertility will probably relate to what I'm talking about.

All my life, I wanted to be a mom. First I would get married. I figured around 20-21. My plan worked. I got married when I was 20. After marriage, I decided I wanted to have my first child around 21-22. That worked too. But I never imagined this could happen to me. I couldn't be the one to have a miscarriage, or have a handicapped child, let alone a child that would die. It was not in my plan. It shouldn't be in anyone's. What was really the most flawed in my plan though, was that "I wanted my first child". Well Addison was not mine alone. She is ours. Mommy's and Daddy's. So I should have said, "After marriage, I hope WE can have our first child by the time I was 21-22." Because Addison was not just for me. She was for Daddy too. I wanted to give Daddy a child. I wanted to see him hold her and kiss her. I wanted to see daddy toss her up in the air as she giggled and screamed for more. I wanted to watch Daddy read a book to our little Addy and watch her head fill with wonder. I wanted to see her run to the window when she would hear his car come in the driveway. I wanted to watch her melt his heart as he let her brake Mommy's rules. I wanted to watch him dress up for her tea party's and then teach her how to shoot a gun in the same week. I wanted so many things for them. And now Daddy doesn't have his little girl. Sure, he has me. But I'm not who I used to be. Not without Addison. And sure, he has her, but not in his arms. I know Daddy adores me. I know I will get to see him do those things with her and also with our other children. But I just wanted Daddy to have his little girl. He should get to have his baby. Especially on Father's Day.

Yesterday I posted this poem to his wall. I hoped that I did enough to make him feel like the amazing father that he is. I'm very thankful for those who wished him a Happy Father's Day. It took some of the pressure off of me.

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test, ...
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown