Compare Not Compete

Compare not compete. Compare not compete. Compare not compete...

Tonight I met with several other angel mommy and daddies. It was wonderful. It was awful. I am one of them and we never wanted to meet each other. Not like this. It's not some social group to talk about books. It's not some team where we practice our skills. Our babies died. My baby died...

I always knew no loss was the same. Tonight I learned that on another level. Some babies were lost early. Some were full term. Some lost twins. Some have a lot of support. Some seemingly almost have none. I know I'm not alone. That's what this is supposed to be about. Unfortunately though, there was one thing I found myself jealous of. It's hard to understand being jealous of someone else's loss. It's easy to be jealous of someone who has not lost...

Addison NEVER cried. She NEVER moved. She NEVER opened her eyes. I do have a video of hiccups. And some might think "that's movement". But that's not voluntary. She never had the opportunity. I will never know her voice in this life time. I will never know her eye color. I don't get to remember a quivering chin or a desperate hand reaching out for someone to hold. IT SUCKS. It's so stupid!!! She was there, she was in that body. She moved in me. She stretched and grew. It was so unfair that she didn't get to show off what she practiced. Blinking. Sucking. Breathing on her own. She didn't get to because.... because....

She died. My baby died. Addison died.