Remember Her

I went to the church mingle the other night. Every Wednesday hot dogs are provided and the rest is a pot luck. I used to love going to these things. I actually once even played in the rain with the kids. Well, I really contemplated going for about 2 days. I wondered how many babies would be there. How many people in general? How many people who have said inappropriate things? How many of my go-to people.

I guess I didn't contemplate enough. 5 out of the 6 babies were there. The crowd was small. They were hard to avoid. I stood in line with my back to the crowd so I didn't have to make eye contact with them, the babies. 

What was I supposed to do once I got my plate? Where was I supposed to sit? The babies had started to be passed around. I guess most of them are old enough for that now. Addison would have been old enough. She would have turned three months on Wednesday. So now, not only did I have the literal babies that were getting carried and passed around, but I also had to avoid their families. By families, I don't mean the people exactly. I mean the location of their car seats and strollers and blankets and pacifiers. So really, where was I supposed to go? I walked down the hill to sit on the bench. Nathan went with me. We just sat there. The two of us and River. It was embarrassing. I wanted to go. No one talked me into it. I honestly thought it would go well. And it didn't.

My baby died. She should be in my arms. More than that, she should be in yours. She should be adored and passed around and I should have to worry about who has her. She should need a stroller and car seat. She should be cooed over and tickled. One of the things I hate is not knowing what she would have been like at 3 months now. I have no other children to know or compare to. Could she role over? Could she hold her head up? Could she sleep through the night? How much should she weigh? What size clothes would she really be in? There is one way I can know. One way I can get an idea of how she compares to mile markers. And it hurts too much. I don't want to look up on the internet what a 3 month old baby can do. I don't want to look at all the church babies and see what she can't do.

How can anyone help? What can you do? I feel like I've said it, but maybe not directly enough. REMEMBER HER. Well what does that mean? Reading this blog is HUGE to me. It really is the biggest thing anyone can do. Secondly, somehow tell me that you are still reading. I don't expect anyone to read every day. Not everyone's life can revolve around mine. But it really does bring so much joy to me when someone asks me a little more about something I wrote recently. Or I get to read a comment that said you hear what I'm saying and feel this loss as well. I trust you people who read my blog. That is a big deal. Especially if you have one of those 6 babies. I feel like I can hang out with you and you will be able to be careful about my triggers and know where my heart is. And please, never stop asking about Addison. Ask if I have felt her recently. Ask if I am working on any more memorial projects. Ask. And know that sometimes I might cry, not because you have hurt me, but because I have gotten to share my memories with you. They are the biggest burden of blessings I will ever carry and I am nearly begging just to have someone to share them with.

One of the things I realized early on that I would be very sad about is her name. Addison's name was hand picked, even before she was born. I just loved it. I wrote it a million times. My calendar, my school notebooks, any scrap paper always had me practicing writing her name. I hate that I hardly get to use it now. Maybe I still use it as much as I would if she was alive but over time, I think that will change. Not as many people will remember. Not as many people will know. That beautiful name for my precious baby. I know it wasn't wasted. She deserved a beautiful name. But I just hate that I don't get to say it, or won't get to, as much as I wanted. And you won't say it as much either. Not in the long run.

Today is her 3 month angel day. I don't know why it is that I remember these days more than her birthday. I worked all day in the yard. It was a good distraction. On our way home from dinner, we stopped for fathers day cards. Sorry dad, I just couldn't get in the right mindset to get you one. I was focusing on getting a card for Nathan. I don't suggest you ever try it, but it really is quite a challenge to get a card from a child that has passed. I'm sure it is also very difficult to get a card for a father who has passed. And a father who has not been a father. Where is that section at the hallmark store? Where is the unfair father's day section? I think these holidays might be even harder than Christmas.  I don't really have a plan of how to get through tomorrow. Not like I did on mother's day. I guess I will just rely on people's prayers to get me through.

Very soon the dates are going to start recurring. The day Addison was conceived (July 6th), the day we found out we were pregnant (I think the 18th), the day we took announcement pictures (our anniversary the 28th)  the days we announced to our families (about August 18th), the day we announced to the world... and so on. I don't think its the numbers that will bother me the most. It will be the feelings. The things I was doing a year ago on those days...

Anyway, thank you guys for reading. I know I don't write as much. That doesn't mean I don't have as much to write about. But sometimes I need to process it myself before I tell it to you. There are a lot of things going on right now. Things I want to share but am nervous to. Sometimes even the happing things are incredibly overwhelming. I don't want the slingshot effect.

With Love,

Addison's Mommy