I would have brought my baby

Do you know where I would have brought my baby? Everywhere. My baby would have gone everywhere with me. Because that's what babies do. You don't leave a baby in the car with the windows cracked. You don't tie them to a tree with a leash. Even when they are crying and screaming, you don't send them out of the grocery store. 

Well my baby isn't here. She is dead. Daddy and I took her off life support so that she could die in our arms instead of on machines. Machines that couldn't do enough to keep her alive because her mind was already gone when they resuscitated her. 

It's so lonely to go anywhere without her. I should have to lug around a huge car seat and worry about all the things I should have in the diaper bag. I should try my best to fold up that chunky stroller to fit in my car. I should be conscious of when the last time was that she ate and how many diapers I might need. 

Well I don't my baby, instead I have a dog. It's a poor replacement. But it's the best I can do to fill this gaping hole in my heart where my baby should be. I am getting sick of people telling me that I can't bring River.  I debate whether I should tell them. Can I even speak the words? My baby died. I would have brought her instead. Unfortunately, all I have to bring is my dog. Can she please stay? Can she please help me to not feel alone? At least I look like a mom when she is around. I have her bag of chew toys and extra dog food. I don't want to look alone. Even worse, I don't want to feel it. 

Currently, we are in the process of trying to get River trained as a service dog. PTSD is accepted as a disability in which a service dog can help calm anxiety attacks. Not many dogs qualify to become service dogs. First she must go through extensive training for obedience for about 3 weeks in NC. This costs about $1500. Then she must be assessed for her learning ability. 

I have spoken with the owner of one training facility. I am hopeful that River is capable of learning the skills to be a service dog. I was told that the best thing I can do is expose her to everything. They said not to sweat the small stuff like chewing and "sit". They will fix all that. Worst comes to worst, atleast I will have an incredibly obedient dog. But the best case scenario is that River can go with me ANYWHERE the public is allowed. This alone will help me tremendously. I could maybe breath when I go to the grocery store. I could relax at church. I could never worry about scheduling a puppysitter because "dogs aren't allowed" where I need to go. 

Anyway... If you know of some places or things I could expose River to, that's the first step in this process. Some things they have recommended aside from the ordinary are crowds, crashes, revolving doors, wheelchairs, diverse groups of people, other animals (not just dogs) and other things I can't think of right now. 

Another thought I have had is to my local grocery store, library, doctors office, and other common places to see if they would be willing to let me expose River to their environment. I don't know if I want to call. It might hurt too much if they say no. But it would mean a lot if they said yes. Let me know if you feel like calling...

With Love,

Addison's Mommy