Disappointed

Disappoint

 

verb: to

fail to fulfill the hopes or expectations of (someone).

 

This is my new word. This is how I have decided to answer the forever "how are you" question which seems like such a stupid question but people don't know what else to say. And then they don't know how to react to my shrug of the shoulders. My "I'm alive (but she isn't)" statement. I am disappointed in so many things and in a few people. Before I had used the word angry. But that wasn't true. That wasn't the right word. That was just the only word I could find at the time.

 

More than anything, I am disappointed that I don't have Addison. My hopes and expectations have been so, so ruined. I hoped to have a painful, labor intensive delivery. I hoped to cry and moan and be completely exhausted. I hoped to eventually hear that they could see her hair. Her beautiful black hair. She would have been almost here. Daddy would have been ready to cut the cord. I would have heard her cry as they passed her up to me. We all would have cried.... for joy.

 

Did you know I never got to cry for joy? Not once did I get to do that after she was born. To put it simply, I have been excruciatingly disappointed.

 

Since the horrific disappointment of losing Addison, I have been disappointed by many, many things. Some have been facts of life. Some have impossible circumstances. Some have been mistakes made by myself, like losing her hair. And I have been disappointed by a small group of acquaintances, friends, and family. It is strange to think that  I ever had hopes of their sensitivity to the loss of my child. But I guess those hopes, maybe even expectations, came shortly after my life changed forever.

 

I do have one friend (not the only one) who has not once failed my hopes and expectations. She is the mother of Baby #1. She came into my life as she was running from her own life changing events. Now, we want exactly what the other has, but nothing of what the other doesn't. See, our families are a bit broken, to say the least. I have lost a child, but have an amazing husband. She has two beautiful children, but has an abusive husband. She needs help. She is doing her very best to raise these boys in a healthy, loving, Godly environment and her husband has not made this easy. Her divorce has put her into severe debt and she has humbled herself greatly in order to ask for help. My friend deserves her babies just like I deserved Addison. We couldn't save Addison, but we can save her boys. If you are able to help my dear friend, please consider donating. She has also asked for encouragement and support. This is the link to the fundraiser she has set up (Click Here). Please read her story that she so bravely has shared. I know what it's like to lose a child. No one else should have to.

 

And I have one more thing to ask on her behalf, if you know her personally. Go hold her baby. Go love on him and say how stinking cute he is because I can't. It hurts too much (and if you don't understand that, stop reading my blog). I wish I could.

 

With Love,

 

Addison's Mommy