You are Contagious

Did you know you are contagious. Everything about you is. Your love. Your hope. Your pain. Your fear... I want to talk about that last one some more. 

I am not afraid. I am not afraid of anything anymore with a couple exceptions. I am afraid of getting cholestasis again. I believe it did not cause Addison's decline but if I do get it again, I will become an immediate c-section and I will only be allowed to have c-sections there after due to having 2 c- sections in a row. Therefor, the amount of children I am able to have will decrease in number. 

I also am afraid of insensitive people and comments who could worsen my pain for as little as a moment. 

But there are so many things I am not afraid of anymore. Petty things. Things that could have been contagious for stupid reasons. 

Do you think Addison was afraid? Was she afraid because of me? Was I afraid of death and was she?

Well I wasn't afraid of Addison dying. What I was afraid of was life afterwords and rightfully so. But I pray she didn't feel that fear. I tried to be so strong for her. Because that's our job as parents. We are supposed to teach our children they can do and be anything. They should not be afraid. Especially not of our fears. They shouldn't even be afraid of death itself. 

Most fears of the world seem so petty to me now. Spiders. Ghosts. Physical pain. A bad grade. Disagreements. I have lived through my greatest fear, the loss of a child. Something I didn't even know I should be afraid of. But it was never death that scared me. It's always been life there after. 

So don't tell me I'm afraid. And if you need someone to be stronger than your fear, I am. 

With confidence,

Addison's Mommy