Life as Usual

May 5

I haven't written in a few days. I'm sure you noticed. I needed a break. I needed some time to cool down and forgive the world for not being stuck with me. That doesn't mean I'm unstuck. I just need to be more careful...

A while ago, I posted that I intended to continue life as usual. I laid out my plans and intended to follow them. A great friend who has also experienced tremendous loss told me to be careful of saying what I will or won't do in the future. She is very wise.

I can't live life as usual. Life has changed forever. It will never go back to what it was. I am a different person.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a slave to grief. My thoughts are not free to wonder. I can't think of things too painful. I can't stop thinking of things sometimes too. It's like I tune the whole world out but am powerless to stop it.

I used to be incredibly independent. I am not anymore. I cannot go to a store by myself. What if someone were to be impatient with me? What if I saw someone I knew and they forgot to be sensitive? What if I started talking about Addison and became completely vulnerable? It's not safe yet.

I love my girls. They know who they are. They help me. They make themselves available to me sometimes at a moments notice. They listen to me talk and talk about how I'm feeling and how I miss Addison. They have allowed me to pick them to hold me up. I could not ask for better support.

I miss her very much right now. I feel it physically in my heart that I am yearning for her.

With longing,

Addison's Mommy

19 likes