Like a Magnet

May 13

Sometimes I feel like a magnet. Not just your everyday refrigerator magnet but the kind that is used to build massive steal buildings on the end of an enormous crane. Sometimes I dangle in the wind. Not knowing what I will draw close to. Sometimes I am seeking out something or someone specific. And sometimes it is all I can do to get away from a trigger. Usually I don't know what will be a trigger before it happens. But there is one thing, it could be one little word, that might send me running. Maybe even literally.

What do you think it is? What could be the one guaranteed trigger? It's an action, not a person or thing. It's not a baby. Of course, it has to do with a baby... I guess I'll tell you. It's when people fawn over babies while I'm around. I can't handle it. I don't care if you are 10 feet away and doing it. If I can hear it, I will get as far as possible as fast as possible. Do you know what it does to me inside? That cooing, baby talk hurts so bad. No one did that with my baby. No one saw her yawn. No one saw her crinkle her nose. No one heard her whimper for her momma or cry to be fed. Not even me. Besides a few select people, no one even met her until she was laying in her white casket. No one saw her grow. No one saw her eyes open. My parents didn't even get to see me hold my baby. And I didn't get to let them hold her.

No one cooed and fawned over my baby until she was in her casket. So please, if there is a baby in my general vicinity, please be aware that I am there. I can't handle it. I wish I could.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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