A Beautiful Vacation

We're back... In case you didn't know, we were gone. My wonderful boss sent us to a beautiful vacation at my cousin's beach house in Islamorada, Florida (one of the keys). Both of us are burnt, but I don't hurt as bad as I look. I didn't tell many people we were going because I didn't want the pressure of having "a good time". But we did. We had a great time.

I'm having a hard time finding what to write about. There is so much I could say about our trip. I could give the whole itinerary. I could say how it made me feel. I could say all the other things that have been in my head... which is what I normally say. Maybe this will be a long post.

I don't think I want to give our itinerary, that sorta seems like bragging to me. I felt good. I missed Addison. I wish we could have shown her that beautiful place. Daddy reminded me that she was there. It is different to know she is there and feel that she is there. Most of the trip I didn't feel like she was there. Actually, it wasn't till the last day that I felt her. There was a dolphin in the bay, not very far from the house at all. That is super rare and not even my cousin has seen a dolphin yet. Daddy got pictures which I will have to add later. But that was it, that was Addison. She brought us a dolphin to top off our trip. It was a lovely gift from her and I knew she was behind it.

I think there were only 3 things that could have gone differently about the trip (which is pretty good). One thing was that we went out to a wonderful restaurant but didn't expect a few incidents there. First, there was a baby there. That was it. The baby was just there. It was enough to put me a little on edge. I wondered if the baby would cry, if it needed a diaper change, if it was sleeping, if people were going to coo ever it loud enough so I could hear... Then there was also a little girl. This girl reminded me a little of Addison, but not a lot. She was maybe 8. Mid way through their dinner, she spilled her water all over herself. She started to cry. I felt very sorry for her. Her table of family tried very hard to be kind and reassuring by saying, "It's just a little water honey." Her mom helped her to the bathroom. A little bit later, the mom came back, nearly dragging the daughter to the table. The girl kept crying, "Take me home, I'm soaking wet." The mom would say, "I'm going to finish my dinner." The girl kept tugging on the mom's arm while she was trying to eat, repeating the same thing over and over. She was making quite a scene in this small restaurant. Eventually, the mom took the girl outside. I don't know if they ever went back in because we left shortly after.

I'm not sure why this upset me so much. Did I want the mom to give in to the daughter? Did I want the daughter to be kinder to the mother? I don't think either had unreasonable goals. Later, I discussed it with Daddy. I told him how I almost started to cry and how badly I wanted to tell them about Addison. I couldn't see how Addison could help though. I wasn't looking for them to console me. I maybe just wanted their mother-daughter relationship mended for this little moment in time. We decided we would do our best to keep a spare pair of clothes for our children in the car, but we found no real solution for this family.

Later that night, we watched a movie. I don't remember the title but it was all about new year's in New York and all these different stories happening at once. Well of course, one story was about a pregnant lady. I guess the first baby born in the New Year in New York gets a large amount of money. So these two women were "fighting" over who was going to have their baby first. They kept trying to induce labor and their husbands were being very competitive. No one cared about the safe arrival of their babies. It was only time that mattered. They both did go into labor and one couple, unselfishly changed the time of their baby's arrival so the other couple could have the money. I cried. The poor wives finally let go of the competition once real labor came, but it took a while for the husbands. It was just so stupid.

The other thing that was on my mind during the trip was something someone said right before we left. I thought I was going to be in the clear, but then it happened.

I don't think people like to put themselves in these shoes. These "my first child died at 3 days old because we took her off life support because she lost brain activity because her heart rate dropped for no reason" shoes. Even more, I don't think people can bear to imagine holding that baby as she died. And the worst, I don't think people can imagine holding their dead baby. Feeling the warmth leave from their body. Watching the color drain from their face. Feeling their arms and legs become stiff. Can you see it? Can you feel it? It is real. It happens to families, not just mine. It happened to us.

I was recently given a list of misconceptions about grief over a baby. I would like to share some of them.

• All losses are the same.
• I have already discussed this in my post http://addisonriver.blogspot.com/2014/05/exactly-same.html
• All bereaved parents grieve the same way
• I think I have touched on the fact that Daddy and I grieve differently, but I also have discussed with many other angel mommies the way they grieved and we are vastly different. Some can go in their baby's rooms. Some can't talk about it at all. Some go make a million living memories. Some never leave their bedroom for a long, long time. We are all different.
• When grief is resolved, it never comes up again
• I have already said there is no such thing as better. When people say I will get "better", it's like they think I have a cold. There is no such thing as better. I may look more normal, but you have no idea how I feel and just because people read this blog, doesn't mean they know me.
• Infant death shouldn't be too difficult to resolve because you didn't know the child that well
• No one has said this to me. Most people aren't this dumb.
• Children need to be protected from grief and loss.
• Loss is real and you are kidding yourself if you are trying to make the world seem perfect to your children. I have not encountered many insensitive children but I will say that children need to be coached on how to communicate with someone about their loss. Sometimes children don't understand how painful it can be to grieve and then say things or ask questions that hurt more than help. One example is the endless "Why?".
• Couples who experience the death of a child have a higher incidence of divorce
• First, I think my marriage has become a lot stronger because of this. And second, it is NONE of your business about my marriage. You don't get to "check in" on my marriage any more than I get to "check in" on yours. So before you ask about my marriage or life, volunteer your own information because the loss of Addison did not give you the right to judge my life.
• It is not important for you to have social support in your grief
• I think this one is obvious for me. I write. I write for my future children but also so I don't feel alone in my feelings. I need social support a lot.
• It takes two months to get over grief
• This makes me want to hit people
• Children grieve like adults
• You readers might know this better than I do since Addison is our only child
• Parents only feel crazy if they are going crazy
• I don't like people suggesting for me to "get help". You go get help. If what I am saying makes you uncomfortable, go figure out why. Don't tell me I shouldn't be saying it. The only person who has that right is Daddy because he is the only person who walked with me through this. Even still, Daddy and I had very different perspectives and so we didn't and don't feel the same things all the time. Anyway, it is not your job to diagnose me. Find a better hobby.
• The intensity and length of your grief are testimony to your love for the deceased
• I struggle with this one personally. I'm afraid to let her go because that feels like moving on. Again, don't diagnose me.
• Bereaved parents do not have a relationship with the deceased baby after the death
• I don't really know how to explain this and often I don't share about this. This relationship is sacred and I don't expect anyone to understand. I also don't like people making a relationship there when there might not be one. I know when Addison is around. It isn't all the time. She has things to do. People to help. She has a mind and a spirit that cannot be spoken for. She has a personality. Likes and dislikes. She is not a made up person that fits my ideology of her. I look forward to watching our relationship grow as I get to know her better.

I think the last thing I would like to say is that if you have an opinion or thought for me, consider if it will help me. People say, "love is honest." But honestly, if I am not ready for your words, keep them to yourself. Don't push me to go through this any faster than I want to or can. And I have a hyper sensitivity to words across an email. If you can't say it to my face, or over the phone, don't say it at all. Words are easily misconstrued in writing so whether you meant something different or I took it the wrong way, the first mistake was sending it in an email. I write to make me feel better. I don't need others writing to make me feel better too.

Sorry if this wonderful post went south. Daddy and I really did have an amazing trip and if you would like to hear about it, I would be happy to tell you on a more one-on-one level.

With love,

Addison's Mommy