Today was a weird day emotionally. We completely overhauled our yard. 7:30 am- 6pm we worked to till, rake, remove roots/rocks, fertilize, seed, rake, cover in hay, and water our yard. I hardly thought about Addison. I was too focused to really think about her. I'm still not sure if I think that's a good thing or not. Most people will probably think it's good.
I did have one thought of her in the midst of it... "There is no way I would be in the yard helping with this if I had a baby.... If Addison were here."
It's not that I wouldn't have been willing, but that's just not what nursing, 2.5 month, waking up all night mothers do. They need naps in the day. They need to stay clean to handle the baby. They need to make sure all the workers (especially Daddy) are taken care of with lunch, drinks, and treats. That's the kind of mommy I wanted to be today.
Later it happened. The slingshot effect. I have been warned about it and have been very careful to not allow it.... Careful can only get you so far.
We were getting ready for date night. I was blow drying my hair as Daddy took a shower with River. She had gotten pretty dirty with all the yard work. Daddy was having a hard time holding her still and I was laughing. Then he promised her that she would be the prettiest bell at the ball... I laughed harder. Then I stopped. Dogs don't go to the ball. Men don't care to go to the ball. Girls do. Little girls. Little girls who might be taking a shower with dady at 2.5 months old. I should be waiting to wrap that little girl up in a towel so she can go the ball...
It's not a little girl in the shower with daddy.
That little girl is not here.
She is dead.
Addison died and didn't get to go the ball.
I broke.
That was my first real slingshot. I'm glad it was in private. In glad I was at home.
I miss her.
Addison's Mommy
I really hate this for you!
ReplyDeleteI hate moments like this...I am truly sorry you are going through this. .
ReplyDelete