She Died in My Arms

Did you know that she died in my arms? I held my baby girl as she took her last breath. What a beautifully terrible experience. You will likely never have someone die in your arms. Not literally anyway. If you do get that opportunity, I hope you cherish it. I hope you can say all the last things that need to be said. I hope you can feel the comfort you are sharing. I hope you can know it was better to hold them than for them to die alone. 

I held her. I sang to her through a barely audible voice. I shared her with the father that did everything he could on this earth to protect her, but yet could not save her. I kissed her. I held her hand. I swaddled her in the blanket I had carefully made for her. 

Can you imagine holding your dying child? Can you put yourself in my shoes? How could anyone want anything else? How could anyone want life to go on? 

Have you heard of PTSD? If not, look it up. I have it though. I frequently relive the death of my baby. Not just the moment I held her as she became an angel but even the moment they ran my bed into the OR. It plays over and over in my head. And I don't want it to stop. Some times I will get stuck in a memory. I can't hear anything. I don't really see anything. I just see her. I just hear the news. I just watch my life fall apart and try to remember to pick up the pieces. I have been through multiple traumatic experiences. Try to put yourself in my shoes. Would you ever be ok? What about just 2 months after? 

I'm glad I got to hold my baby as she died. I held Addison as she died. 

With love,

Addison's Mommy