Something Big

April 23

I did something really big a couple of days ago. I had not planned on doing it. It just happened to be convenient. Monday morning I had an appointment at my school to discuss financial aid relating to Addison. Daddy had to work and so I went by myself. On my way there, I attempted to call Gwinnett Medical Center to see how things were coming with insurance. It was incredibly frustrating. I kept getting transferred around and put on hold. I was on the phone for 30 minutes and did not get to tell anyone my real issues. I hung up on the elevator music once I got to school. My appointments there went fine. It's best when people expect me to be coming and have been filled in on a little bit of what happened. When they already have the prior knowledge, I don't have to see them attempt to console me. The best thing they can do is tell me how sorry they are and not ignore or avoid talking about it. I like when the timber of their voice is gentle and slow. This actually probably applies to most people.

Anyway, I finished at school and was going to head home but thought, "I am really close to GMC, why don't I just go talk to someone. It would be a lot better than having to explain my situation about insurance over the phone." So I drove over. I parked in front of the women's pavilion. I got out of my car. I walked into that same lobby that I had walked into when I was pregnant with Addison.

Before I go any further, I just want to say that going back was incredibly hard. It should not be taken lightly. I wanted to. I'm glad I did. But please don't make little of the fact that I even was able to walk into that same lobby because that is big.

I walked up to the front desk person and told her what I had come to do. She helped me to remember the woman's name who had helped us before and called her to come to the lobby. I sat down. Not in the same place Daddy and I had sat. There was only 2 other people sitting and thank goodness neither was pregnant.

I didn't know how long I was going to wait but another thought popped into my head, "There are some very special people in this building. People who know exactly what I have been through because they went through it too. I should say hello to them. I should let them see that I made it back. I should show them that I love them and I know how hard they worked to save my angel." I asked the desk girl if she could call back to the NICU and just tell them, "Emily Rusch is here if anyone knows her and would like to see her." Then the representative came up to me, she remembered exactly who I was. The chaplain we knew also came up. I told the Chaplain that I needed to sort out some stuff with insurance and then I would let her know when I was finished.

It didn't take long to talk through the insurance stuff. It was probably the least stressful insurance conversation I have ever had. When we were finished, I called for the chaplain to return and I made the very hard decision to go back to the NICU so that I could see some of the staff who knew me better than most people ever will.

We walked and I remembered the halls. Those same halls are where they brought my entire hospital bed right up to hers. Those same halls are where Daddy walked me and my IV to sit by her side. Those same halls are where I knew I was going to see my baby. And then they are also the same also halls where I had to leave the memories of everything I had ever wanted behind.

We got there. I stopped. I could not go around the corner to where she was. I didn't want to see another baby there. Even worse, I didn't want to see her empty bed. Maybe someday I will go around that corner but not that day.

They started coming. Those people who knew me best. It was so wonderful to see them. I hugged them all. I don't remember any of their names mostly. I apologized for that and reiterated that I had been on so many drugs myself.

We talked about Addison. What had happened. How I was doing. They all remembered me. They all thought and prayed for me often. They felt like family to me. I only wish that more had been there. There were about 6 or 7 but I will need to go back during a night shift to see some others. I love them so much.

I noticed and remembered a wall they have there. It's a picture wall with babies and their beads of courage. I asked if Addison could go on that wall. "Absolutely." She will be there. She will be home. The only home she got to know. And she will be there for other babies to see. To know how courageous she was. I don't know if those other babies on the wall are angel babies. I don't think so. They need an angel up there.

I visited for about an hour. I never had to be careful. I was never worried about what they would say. I can't wait to go back. I wish I could have a giant party for all of my people and all of Addison's people to be a family again. Maybe I'll try to plan something down the road.

Remembering Addison is my favorite thing to do. I love her. I will always remember her. She will always be there. My hope is that other feel the same because it is the greatest joy I have.

Loving my Addison today.

Addison's Mommy

46 likes

Tabitha Weiler Armstrong: Oh Emily, that's a HUGE step! I'm proud of you for going there, especially by yourself, and I'm so glad it was such a wonderful experience. The NICU staff there are some of the best people who walk this earth. And I love that Courage Wall. Your sweet angel will be a beautiful addition. Love you, friend. I think of all of you every day and continue to pray for you.

Angie Thompson: What a huge step! So proud of you! Continue to pray for you daily!
Ginger Faulk: Emily that was a huge and courageous step! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I love Addison and hearing about her...she is NOT forgotten! She certainly belongs on that Courage Wall to represent you, Nathan and most of all your sweet angel Addison.

Sarah Latchaw: How wonderful!

Danice Lewis: Emily, I heard you had visited us the other day! You are so courageous and strong!! I'm so sorry I wasn't there to see you and hug you tight! We all still remember Addison...and will never forget her or your sweet family!!

Brandie Hill: That was a delightful read. I am so proud you were able to make those steps towards that door. I can't imagine how hard it was to take those first step, but you did.

Taurus Womble: Dude, you can to my hospital and didn't come see me... smh... just kidding that's awsome you had the courage to go back, great that you were able to reconnect with the staff there. Good for you

Mary Rusch: Thank you for sharing. So happy that you were able to have this experience. Love you and Addison and Nathan.

Krista Mullins: Wow, that is awesome Emily! What a great experience to have had, I'm so happy for you! And crazy impressed, that's huge! I'm glad you were happy and comfortable there, I can imagine those nurses hold a very, very special place in your heart

Joan Vernott: The individuals who you shared such an intimate time with, who took care of Addison, Mommy and Daddy will always be very special to you. It's wonderful that you went back to visit them. They need to know they are loved and appreciated. Those in that part of the medical profession experience some of the greatest joys, and sorrows. They grieve for all those little angels too. I'm sure they remember each and every one of them. Much love to you Emily and Nathan, and precious Angel Addison.

Tina Marie Rusch: Reminds me of the people I used to visit who took care of me after my accident. Those were some very special times with them.

Tonya Robertson Lowry: That was a huge step and you did it alone! I was so happy to see you and hug your neck! I think of you and Addison often. Like I said, I'm always here if you need me! Love and hugs!!!

Melissa Jensen Allen: Emily that's great courage!! I'm happy you did that!! I'm sure that was wonderful for everyone that cared for you and your family! They probably never get to see anyone again ever and they must have wonder how you were!!
Your stronger then you think!!!