So Stuck

April 10

Lately I have wondered why I'm still so stuck in what happened. Why my life is so hard to live now. I know it's normal to be grieving but daddy has been able to do more normal things than I have. Someone once commented that there is nothing greater than a father's love and that made me mad. A father and mother's love are equal but I do think mom gets a head start. Daddies get to express their love by providing for the family and soaking up all the love they can get when they are home. But mommies make the home.

My life was Addison. Every decision was made around her. Even in the beginning I had to decide what to eat based on how it would feel when I threw it up because of morning sickness. I felt every move. I played with her as she poked me and I poked her back. Our relationship started much sooner than her birth. Daddy loved to feel her move but it wasn't the same as feeling everything.

My life wasn't just Addison in the pregnancy but it was going to be all about her afterwords. I was going to have a job that allowed me to stay home with her. I was going to go to school during times that others could look after her. I was going to feed her every 2 hours ish and change all her diapers. I was going to wash her clothes and take her to the doctor. I know Daddy would have loved to do those things but he was thankful to go to work so that I could be with Addy.

Addy was and was going to be my entire life. Now I am doing my best to make her my life still. The pictures on my wall, the things that I write, and the jewelry I wear all are for her to be here in as much as she can be. Her 3 days mean something. They mean everything to me.

A mother's love cannot be compared nor replaced. I am a mother. A mother without my baby.  

With love,

Addison's Mommy

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Kristi Yancey: Dear Emily, I understand what you mean when you talk about a mother's love, if not your grief. A mother loves her baby from the second she sees that positive on the home pregnancy test. From that instant, her world is no longer about herself or anyone else. It's about that little life she's been charged to grow and protect. All decisions she makes from that moment on are for the good of her child. In those nine months of pregnancy, you don't just prepare for a baby, you prepare for a whole life. You see her take her first steps, go to her first day of school, worry about a boy, and try on prom dresses for the first time. You watch her put on another white dress and walk out of the temple, for the first time, belonging more to someone else than to you. What some who haven't been there don't understand is that you've poured an entire lifetime of love into sweet Addison. That doesn't go away after a month or a year or fifty. I pray that the Holy Ghost will wrap you in arms of love and comfort. After all, you've been asked to do the unthinkable. To give up your world and survive.

Cheryl Solomon Collins Well said Kristi Yancey! I talked to a friend yesterday who also lost their first baby (about 30 years ago) and he said what was hard was that his wife was able to feel her move and hiccup and grow, he only got to hold an unresponsive baby for a few moments. To me that explains why it is so difficult for both mom and dad in very different ways. I am so grateful to be a woman and to be able to bear children. As Kristi said our love and thoughts for that child starts way before they are born! We start a relationship with them that dads don't get to experience. My heart continues to break for you both. My friend says you don't ever forget, or not think of them on their birthday or sometimes cry, But you will learn to live and still feel joy,when you are ready, in your own time.

Taurus Womble: Your husband is a great man!!!!!

Ginger Faulk: Emily you did do your best to nurture Addison for 9 months and tour love and closeness to her are different from Nathan's for that reason. Your every action during your pregnancy was with her in mind and no matter how much a dad loves a child he can never quite experience what a mother does as she carries that child in her body. I don't think the sadness and feeling of loss will go away but perhaps in time you will feel a little less raw emotionally.

Amy Dupras Granger: We are separated from her physically but we are forever with her spirit. I know she is in the great cloud of witnesses mentioned in Hebrews 12:1 in which we are exhorted to "run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Addy is very proud of her Mommy and Daddy. Me, too! Love, Mama Bear. Aka Addison's Grandmother