Day 3 of Jeans

April 3

It's day 3 of wearing jeans. I'm trying to do normal things. I know I don't have to but it makes life easier to at least try to be normal even though I'm not.

I went to the bank today. I didn't tell anyone at the bank about Addison. They didn't say anything that would assist in me bringing her up and that was fine. I really just wanted to get in and get out. That is probably a normal feeling to have at a bank. 

One thing I wish random ppl (like bank ppl) would stop saying is to have a great day. It's not that I don't want a positive day but I don't like the pressure. I know they could probably care less if I really enjoyed the rest of my day or not. It's just a conversation closer. And I don't mind if they enjoy their day, but just don't worry about mine. 

It seems people in general just want to make me happy. They want me to smile. To live. To love. That's a lot of pressure right now. I need to feel my feelings out loud without covering them up. I want to feel angry and sad. I want to feel numb or overly sensitive. What happened to me wasn't and isn't normal. Therefor the normal things don't apply. I know that when someone is sad, you want them to be happy. But really if you want to help me, be sad with me. I won't be this horribly sad forever and I don't want anyone else to be. Just let me be normal and sad.

With much love,

Addison's Mommy

P.s. I'm not sad every moment. I do smile. I do laugh. I do put pants on and go out into the world. That in itself is pretty big right now.

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Jennifer Culp: EVERYTHING that you are feeling IS normal for the situation! It's a process and you are entitled to feel many things all at once and nothing at all! Scream! Rant! Rage! Anything that will help you to get through the hard days-moments is all acceptable! Losing Addison wasn't normal, you're right-everyone is just sick over it and we do want you to be happy again because we all love you and Nathan, but that will come in your own time-whenever that is. Meanwhile, we are all here for you; good days and bad!

Jennifer Culp: I hope you don't mind me sharing that.

Olivia Margarita Almendares: I love the honesty, and I think you're spot on