I Am So Careful

April 5

I am so careful. I hate being careful. I was not this way before. My heart is so tender now that I give warnings about myself. I could be a ticking time bomb ready to explode on one wrong comment or I could be a crying mess. I'm careful with who I talk to or might see if I go somewhere. So I don't go. Not unless I'm sure. And even if I do go, I make sure to have an escape plan. I do it more to protect others from me. I don't want to lash out at anyone. I don't want to fall to pieces and them not know what to do. I save the pieces time up. I hold it. I know maybe I shouldn't but it would be better for me to lose my cool with Daddy than with the grocery cashier or any unexpectant stranger. Sometimes they aren't even strangers. Sometimes I am just careful because an acquaintance or friend might not know what to say.

I have no advice to give on how to be a person I'm not careful around. I think a lot of people would hold me up when and if I needed it. I just am scared of the self I don't know. My emotions change nearly constantly. It's a combination of hormones and grief. I think my hormones are still crazy. I'm still sweating at night. I'm still producing milk. My metabolism has dropped back down but I still want to eat whatever I want. My incision still won't allow me to exercise. I lost my baby and I'm still recovering from her birth. What a horrid reminder of her not being here.

I love her. I miss her.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

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Deb Sutton: It's okay to be who you are right now. Grief comes on without warning! Have you read the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn? It was an anchor for me. Praying for you...

Emily Rusch I need to make you a sign that says:" don't talk, just smile" for when you go in public.

Rebecca Azianku: I wish I could hug you tightly right now and just listen to you speak of your feelings and pain. Sometime a hearing ear with no comments or thoughts to give is what you need. Constantly praying for you all

Jeannie Childs: If you want you can yell at me, no judgments, no questions, just someone you actually can yell at! I won't have any answers or try to make you feel better. I can just be the cashier, banker etc...