Many Emotions

April 14

I feel like a rubix cube sometimes. There are many emotions going on, even on the surface. There is usually one color, one emotion, that is the surface everyone sees. But one turn, one bump, can change a whole row. Maybe it won't change all the colors but a different emotion could become the majority. Right now it looks like happy is winning. It just looks that way. Sad is still there, just not on the surface everyone sees. You may see some in the surface sometimes.

Today I am mostly happy because I have never had this much of my husband in our entire relationship. It's amazing to get to know him all over again. I am better with him. Not just fake better either. Real better.

I am also sad today. I keep reliving things. I don't think it's bad. I want to remember. But it hurts a lot too. Has anyone ever taken anyone else off life support, knowing he or she would die? What about a child? A baby? I did that. I took my baby, my 3-day old daughter off of life support because it was the right thing to do. I did it out of love. I did it out of respect. I did it because I knew Heavenly Father wanted her to return to Him. But nothing can truly make that decision feel good. I hate that I did that. I hate that that decision was given to daddy and me. I wish I hadn't done it only because I wish she had lived. I wanted her to live. I know many others did too. So now the rest of us just have to live together. Together we must make living worth it. Life must be worth living, otherwise I can't hate that I took her off the machines.

How are you living? I'm living the best I can.

Addison's Mommy

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Victoria Romero Clearfield: So proud of you for living the best way you can!! That's what God wants from us! I love reading your posts. You are loved!!!!

Debra V. Wade: Two of my sisters had to take children off life support. Alexis was 7 weeks old, Necia was 3. I spoke at both of their funerals, both were very difficult but also each was a very sacred and humbling experience. Alexis would be 27, Necia would be 16. Both beautiful girls are missed still but we are ever grateful for the Gospel and eternal families. Both of my sisters say that no one else can quite understand the empty spot in their hearts. I see in both of them even all these years later a very private and selfish (a good selfish) relationship with their daughters. I can only imagine the tears of joy when they each embrace one another again.