April 19
I really wanted to be in a
better place today. I guess that won't be the case. I wanted to post all about
Daddy's and my first real date night since his new job. Now I don't feel like
it.
Addison was going to have
6 little buddies. She was going to be #4 in the series of 7 babies born between
February and May from church. I was so excited for the 7 of us. All the mothers
would get so close during our trips to the mothers' lounge at church. Addison
would have had so many little friends. I was the only one among the 7 to be
having my first baby. I sought advice during my pregnancy from these other
mothers and would have continued to do so for a long time.
What will happen now? I
love these other mothers but It hurts to see them getting to be mothers. I
guess it's best that it's not their firsts because I don't think I could handle
their joys of firsts.
I pretend like their
bellies and their babies don't exist. I don't look at the beautiful children they
created. That's what Addison might have looked like. She might have had their
tiny toes or little teeth. She might have toddled around learning to walk or
maybe just crawled everywhere. She might have stolen their toys or played with
them at the park. These babies, these other 6 babies are my bench mark of
Addison. Unfortunately, that may be all they can ever be to me. One thing I do
know is that Addison would have always been taller, just like I had been.
How will I have another
baby? I want to and am going to but I can't figure out what to say when that
day comes. How will I announce? How will I find out the gender? How will I do a
baby shower? I guess I technically don't have to do any of those things. A new
baby deserves those things though. He or she deserves a mother's joy. The hard
part isn't just the before though. It's the after. How can I do all the things
I wanted to do with Addison, with another baby? I can't even look at other
babies right now. And yet I will be so afraid that new baby will die. It's not
about having enough love. I know I have enough love and that mothers worry
about loving all their children. It's about loving Addison but hardly having
the opportunity to put use to that love with her.
Addison's Mommy
15 likes
Jeannie Childs: Hugs.
Might be the right time to make friends with the much much much older people at
church then there is almost no chance of
baby bellies etc...
Jeannie Childs: One of my
best friends at church is 91 years old!
Karen Chirinos Bradley: I
wish there were answers to comfort your heart. Truth is, you just will. You
will be excited for your future baby, but a part of you will be terrified.
Heavenly Father knows that and will comfort you and give you peace of mind. You
will experience all the baby first and some of it will be bitter sweet knowing
you were robbed of that with Addison, but it will ok. You will love your baby
so much, you will never take a minute for granted. You will tell your friends
when you are pregnant and they will be thrilled for you and will pray for you.
One day, you will you look at all those benchmark children and smile while
lovingly thinking of Addison and know she's right by you. After I lost my
little girl, we did welcome home parties for my babies instead of baby showers.
That was what I wanted, that is what felt comfortable for me.
Six years after losing my
daughter, when ever I hear another baby called Eva. I smile and think of my
Eva. This past fall she would have started kindergarten. I remembered. There is
something magical with time and faith that makes something so painful into a
beautiful memory. It doesn't hurt as much. I like it that way. The first year
after losing my baby I was destroyed. I never want to feel that way again.
You'll get there too. In your own time. Hugs to you from someone you never
meet.
Jessica Jones Marsaw:
Speaking from personal experience in mourning the passing of babies (belonging
to two dear friends of mine), it's comforting to know that Addison is a very
real and present part of your family. She always will be. Your relationship and
what you mean to each other will never change, your love for her will never
fade. Mercifully, what will fade is the acute pain of being separated. Time
teaches us how to live with pain that feels unliveable. And sometimes it takes
a long time. Be patient with yourself and your relationships with other moms.
The separation you have from Addison is temporary. That knowledge has kept one
of my friends going when she feels overwhelmed with sorrow. Separation is
temporary. Love, Jessica
Angel Perez Murphy:
Thought of you when I read this. Had a friend who lost her first sweet boy. She
has 3 more beautiful, perfect boys now.
Rachel Horlacher: You'll
be paranoid, but it will pass, I promise. Personally, we wanted to get pregnant
quickly after our 1st loss, but were more cautious after our 2nd loss. Ella's
pregnancy was not planned, but we loved it. Paranoid as all get out, but you
get through it.
Serenity Anderson: I
really don't know what to say except I love you and my heart sorrows for you.
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