Who Am I Now?

April 28

Sometimes I wonder if this is me. Me in this tragedy. I don't fit here. I don't belong here. I am not me when I look in the mirror. I am not me when I think about what makes me happy. Or sad. Or how I might go about my day.

Even when I was in high school, I planned to be married by at least 21 and having a baby by at least 22. I never planned to be the girl who's baby died. And I think sometimes that is my new title. Whether I'm talking with someone or they are talking about me. "That's Emily Rusch, the one who's baby died". I don't think it's bad that people define me with that statement. I define myself by that statement most of the time. I am a few other things too but most of them are not as important.

Do you know what a sling shot is? What does it do? How does it work? It operates in two motions. The first is to pull back, and the next is to let go. The harder you pull, the farther an object flies. That's what it's like when I try to feel happy. The more happy I get, the further I get thrown into sadness. There are a few people that this doesn't happen with. So instead of getting thrown too far, I stay in a certain range of emotions to protect myself. Again, it's being careful. Don't tell me that I need to be less careful. Don't tell me I am allowed to feel happy. I know I am. But it hurts too much. I just like for people to understand. To see how I feel without needing to fix or repair my broken heart.

I love my baby, Addison.

Addison's Mommy

Amy Dupras Granger: I love when Nathan says, I am going to spend some time with "my lovely wife." He sees you for who you are on the inside.... Lovely. We are defined not by the things that happen to us but by who we are on the inside. You are a wonderful person, full of faith and love and courage and enthusiasm. Joy is on the way. God is sending it to you because of his mighty love for you, Emily. Addison loves you so much and she is so proud of you. She loves when you smile.....

Love,

Emily's Mom

Sarah Latchaw: I think we all agree it's pretty surreal and especially that this happened to you. We love you.

Amy Dupras Granger: I agree.... Surreal..... There is a spectrum of pain.... From anguish to sorrow... I hope and pray that the anguish will be carried more and more by Jesus as you choose to release it to him. I carried a lot of extra weight after you were born and I did not love exercise so I had to discipline myself to do a very hard 55 minute FIRM workout EVERY day to get my body ready for the babies I wanted to have in the future. I know your babies that are coming will want to feel all the love and joy you had carrying their sister, Addison. So please, my sweet sweet Emily, let Jesus carry the anguish. It does not mean you love Addison any less. It just means you are making room in your heart for less anguish and more hope and love so you will be ready to carry your babies. I love you so much! Huge hugs! Mom