Dreaming

April 4

I'm dreaming again. Not the crazy day dream but the normal sleeping kind. Yesterday I dreamt that I went to a parade by myself. I went in a wheel chair and was dresses in my hospital gowns. Addison wasn't there. I knew in my dream that she had died. After the parade I wheeled myself home but found a couple young girls who lived under a bridge. They heckled me for money but stopped after I told them my daughter died. They softened and told me how they became orphans. I invited one to sit on my lap and I just held her to me.

Why did I dream that? I think there are a couple key things. The hospital gowns and wheel chair- I still feel very broken. I knew that Addison had died- I'm aware of my reality. I was by myself but surrounded by people- I'm trying to live again but it doesn't feel normal. I told 2 little girls that my baby died- I still need to feel validated that what happened to me isn't ok. I held one of the orphans- I still love children.

I was afraid of dreaming. I'm glad it didn't come till now. I thought my dreams would replay the horrific experience of discovering Addison's heart rate had dropped and the few minutes before she was born. I was also afraid that I would pretend Addison had never died in my dreams. That I would wake up expecting her to be here and she wouldn't be. I didn't want my emotions to be jerked around like that.

I hope that if I do dream, they continue to be like the parade. I can handle that.

Love,

Addison's Mommy

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Krista Mullins: How interesting! I think dreams are fascinating and I'm glad your first one back was gentle with you. Still praying for you! Did you make it to the activity last night?

Emily Beth Rusch: I did. It went well.

Sunny Green: if I may, one other way to look at that dream is that even though you are going through a rough time ("broken" as you call it)- you still helped those girls in your dream. Your experience is one that very few people can fully understand, but even in the midst of that, you are still able to help other people. Which to me, says that you're maybe not as broken as you think. (maybe that's my optimistic side coming out). This is not to diminish the pain you are going through at all... but even with the pain, or maybe even because of the pain, you are able to empathize and help others that are having different trials in their own lives.

Sunny Green: Does that even make any sense?

Emily Beth Rusch: It does. Thanks for sharing.