I Grieve

April 13

River is sleeping. Daddy is sleeping. I should be sleeping but I don't want to. I want to think of Addison. I want to hold her and kiss her head. I want to feel her tiny fingers wrapped around mine. I thought after getting River I would feel better. I don't think better is the right word anymore. I feel distracted and distracted might look better and even trick me into thinking I'm better but that really isn't true.

I already love this dog very much. I needed to get her. But I learned a few more reasons why I needed to get her today...

River was great on our way home from Kentucky. She slept most of the time and hardly whimpered. I caught myself a few times watching her breath. Making sure she was breathing. That she was still alive. That she had not died. Died like my daughter had. I think River is going to help prepare me for another chance with a baby. I will get to practice not being paranoid with River.

It's not so easy to just not be paranoid now. So many things hurt. There are things I can't and will not do yet because it hurts too much. Like going in her room (again) and reading the notes people wrote in Addison's funeral book (not sure what that's called). Those things make it more real. I find myself repeating sometimes that my daughter died. Just to myself. I say, "my daughter died. My baby died. Addison died." There are 3 losses there. They are not all the same.

I grieve for the loss of my daughter. The bows and curls. The dresses and jewelry. And the journey of raising a girl to be a woman.

I grieve the loss of my baby. The nursing and rocking. The swaddling and burping. The diapers and bath time. Teething and walking. First words and new foods. I really could go on forever because every child will always be a mother's baby, no matter how old.

And I grieve for Addison. Getting to know her personality. Would she have been sassy or sweet. A drama queen or a tom boy. An artist, athlete, nerd, or all three. I know she was kind and gentle but I never really got to know her.

I miss her and I love her.

Addison's Mommy

32 likes

Jeannie Childs: I think sleep is way over rated. Your little distraction is so cute. Praying for you both daily.

Taurus Womble: I AGREE Your dog freaking ROCKS!!!!!

Emily Rusch: Distraction can be good! And having something to sink energy into. Plus she's really cute. That always helps.

Cade Robertson: Sometimes distraction is the cure... It allows you to make room for new memories by letting go of just a little pain