Coming Down

April 24

I'm coming down. Down off the high from seeing my people. I miss Addison. There is no such thing as better.

Mother's Day is coming. What am I going to do? I am a Mother. But I have no baby. Should I sit at home all day? That way I could hide from all the mothers who have their babies. But I don't think that would feel right. That wouldn't make me feel like more of a mother. Should I go to church, the motherland of all the mothers I know? One of two things will happen if I do that. One, I'll get a lot of people making the most of my motherhood and I will cry and it will hurt. Or everyone will be afraid to talk to me in case it would make it worse. In that I think I would feel lonely and forgotten. I could go to a different ward (LDS church building not in my area). But I think that wouldn't feel right either. So what do I do? Those are my options, at least for the first part of the day. I don't know at all for the second part.

Did you know that Addison was #4. She was the 4th of 7 pregnancies at church due between February and May. She was the middle. The first girl. The only "1st child". I may have already said these things but guess what? Those other babies are coming. The one boy left and 2 girls. I love their mothers, but I'm scared. How can I look at them? The benchmarks for Addison. One day these other 6 babies will be in Sunday school together. They will have birthday parties. They will go on missions. They will get married. And my baby won't be here. I wonder when they will see what they are to me. When they will know that they were everything I wanted. Will they hide from me? Thinking it's less painful. Will they care? Will I treat them like I wanted to treat Addison. It will probably be different everyday.

It's not going to get easier. Not until I see her again.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

14 likes

Chelsea Yancey: This will be my 4th Mother's Day to endure. I wish it gets easier but it doesn't. I also wish we could make a childless mothers club on an nice island somewhere. *hugs*

Angie Thompson: Emily I will send you a link. But, NILMDTS is partnering with a company to sell some shirts to honor babies who have gone too soon. I think it would be a great way to honor Addison on this day that I know will be hard for you.

Sarah Latchaw: Celebrate the blessing of having ing birthed a perfect child. You need Nathan Rusch to pamper you and make you breakfast in bed and paint your toenails and tell you how beautiful you are because you are a mother!

Nathan Rusch: I already do that. Lol

Camden Fordham Inman: I don't know what your going through Emily, but I believe you should go to church. If you don't want to be confronted show up right add the first hymn is being sung and then you can leave before the last hymn is finished. Just another thought. Also since you are a mother of an angel baby I believe you should be pampered! Also heading this mother's day tasks in church might help. And you never know maybe who they called to talk will be aware of your situation and help you or in some way with what they say!  thinking and praying for you, Nathan, Addison and River!

Nadya Greene: I've had situations similar in difficulty to yours where at first I didn't know what to do because nothing felt right. Fortunately though, the mornings where decisions finally had to be made, the Spirit helped direct me. Mother's Day is coming up, but please don't stress yourself over it. I think you'll know what feels right once the day draws nearer. That still small voice will help you make a decision that's best for you.

Jessica Jones Marsaw: Your friends and fellow mothers at church want to mourn and remember and celebrate Addison with you. Especially the moms with babies about Addison's age- they understand and relate to you in a very special way. Draw from that, let them experience this with you. And just know that this first year after Addison passed will be the hardest. It is hard now, miserably hard, but I promise that time will help you give place to your pain and find peace. The Lord will bless you, this I know.

Serenity Anderson: I'm sad. I think it will be hard whether you go or not. I know if you go you will be able to take the sacrament. That always helps me feel better when I'm going through trials. But whatever you choose I'll support you, not judge you, and love you for being you. You are open and honest and I always know where you stand. I feel guilty sometimes having Jacob and you not having Addison. I don't want him gone but I don't want you to hurt either. I don't understand all of Gods plans. I don't know what He has in store for all these the other babies. I don't know His plans for Addison while she's working in paradise for us. I don't know what He has in mind for you. I do know He loves us all. I do know He loves you. I hope His love burns brightly as you grieve for Addison on Mother's Day. I hope the Spirit of God fills the tear in your heart and helps it keep beating with the pure brightness of hope you have always displayed. You have the talent of making simple events turn into magical memories. I love you Emily.