I Don't Want to Let Go

April 11

I haven't cried in a few days. I don't exactly like it. Most of you will think it's good that I'm not crying. I don't really want to hear that. By not crying, it feels like I'm letting go of her.

I don't remember where exactly I heard this but there was a kid who really wanted to go play on a play ground. He was holding mom's hand. He was afraid to let go of her hand. He just watched as the other kids played. Mom didn't rush her son. She just patiently held his had until he was ready to go. Finally he let go and cautiously approached the playground. He had fun once he went. Scraped his knees a couple times. Felt the wind and the sun kiss his face as he went down the slide. He knew mom was still there. He could go back to her at any time. But the playground was too exciting to go back to mom.

I feel like this kid. I want to move on but I don't want to let go. I know there is joy and fun to be had but I don't want to scrape my knees. The sun could kiss my face but this hand is what I'm used to. I don't want to let go.

Please Don't encourage me to let go. That's not the point. The point is that I have this internal turmoil that is debilitating and painful. I am watching life move around me, wanting to be a part of it but I'm not emotionally ready. I know I will be someday. Maybe even someday soon. And that worries me too, But for now I'm just going to hold Addy's hand and watch.

Thank you all for holding my hand as I hold Addison's. Thank you for not pushing me into life. And thank you for being there when I'm ready to go back because I'm going to need to know that you are there...waiting... Just in case I get scared.

With love,

Addison's Mommy

17 likes

Krista Mullins: This makes a lot of sense, I like that analogy. I can imagine feeling the same thing in your situation and there is definitely wisdom in letting your child sit withyou and watch, then warm up and let go at their own pace. We love you and want you to take whatever time you need. Grief has no time lines and everyone is different so don't ever feel like you're somehow not fitting "the mold". There is no mold and there are precious few out there who even know what you're going through. Just hold on to He who knows your pain perfectly and as long as you're doing that and he's guiding your footsteps or even carrying you, nobody has place to say a thing. Happy 1 month miss Addy! Love you all

Tonya Robertson Lowry: Sweet Emily. My heart breaks as I read the words from your heart because I have experienced many of them myself. I always love to say we "move forward" instead of moving on. Moving on feels like we leave our babies in the past and moving forward allows us to carry them with us always. I know you have a great support system but please know that I am always here if you ever need anything. (((HUGS)))